Venting.

[Noctis]

So you're banking on fear instead of naiveté? You probably already know that most foster hope for change, not realizing that people don't change without a life cataclysm. They retain the same mentalities they had when they were children.

The biggest wretch of the situation is that although you love your friend, you don't want to offer the shoulder to cry on when dick-nuts hurts her again, because you are so opposed to her decision.

My sympathies.

I'm not sure if you're referencing her or her partner in that first sentence.  If you are referencing her partner, then yes, the partner has to want to change.  The partner doesn't want to, despite going through all of the motions of pretending to want to.  They are lying to her.  We all see it.  It's part of the abuse cycle.  "I can change!  J/K, I'll abuse you.  I AM SO SORRY!  I can change!"

On her side of things, if one has never been in an abusive relationship of this nature, it's hard to understand that one can't just "walk away."  Fear holds you where  you are.  It's got NOTHING to do with wanting to change or not, at least not on her part.  She knows what she has to do, but because the vast amount of change necessary to do so is a factor, she is bound by fear of doing it.  It's also got nothing to do with me not offering her a shoulder to cry on.  I will gladly listen to her and she can rant all she wants (she's not a crier), but I have no further "advice" to offer her.  She knows where I stand, so while I can listen to her, the response will still be the same.  That's not being unsupportive.  I would expect the same.   And if she needs a place to stay until she can get on her feet, she has one.   Mine.   And she knows it.

[Darth Logos]

I'm not sure if you're referencing her or her partner in that first sentence.  If you are referencing her partner, then yes, the partner has to want to change.  The partner doesn't want to, despite going through all of the motions of pretending to want to.  They are lying to her.  We all see it.  It's part of the abuse cycle.  "I can change!  J/K, I'll abuse you.  I AM SO SORRY!  I can change!"

On her side of things, if one has never been in an abusive relationship of this nature, it's hard to understand that one can't just "walk away."  Fear holds you where  you are.  It's got NOTHING to do with wanting to change or not, at least not on her part.  She knows what she has to do, but because the vast amount of change necessary to do so is a factor, she is bound by fear of doing it.  It's also got nothing to do with me not offering her a shoulder to cry on.  I will gladly listen to her and she can rant all she wants (she's not a crier), but I have no further "advice" to offer her.  She knows where I stand, so while I can listen to her, the response will still be the same.  That's not being unsupportive.  I would expect the same.   And if she needs a place to stay until she can get on her feet, she has one.   Mine.   And she knows it.

I have actually been on both sides of this equation, and equally inadvertently.

My ex-wife complained that I refused to change, and therefore kept hurting her. It wasn't a matter of refusal, rather than I didn't know how to change despite my sincerest wish to do so to make her happy.

On the flip side, but in the same relationship...the marriage was dead, but I was terrified of all that would have to change if I let it go. Had I been braver and more decisive there is a very good chance that I could have made something better work, but now that's gone too.

From both sides of the experience, though, I have learned the value of being honest, especially with myself, and to not be petrified by fear of making a decision. It was a major catalyst in forming my Sith mentality.

[Noctis]

I hope you weren't anything like her partner.  It's bad for her and very obvious.

As for my ex,  his brand of abuse was far more subtle than what this person is doing to her.  It was years before I realized what he was doing because he was that skilled at it.  Hardly anyone else saw it on the surface, but my friends who knew me best and had known me for years began to see it much quicker than anyone else.  What actually prompted me to leave him had nothing to do with his abuse, though, oddly enough.  It's a long story I have no desire to retell.   It took me nearly 7 years to undo the damage and reclaim who I was before and I did it on my own through trial and error. 

It's all pretty messed up with her, but my intuition tells me that eventually, she'll pull herself out it.  But SHE has to do it.  No one can help her do it.  I don't say that to be cruel, I say it because that's how she will heal.  Myself and other friends can support her when she does, but she has to be the one to do the change work.  I've seen her pull herself out of some unbelievable crap that most people would run screaming from even attempting, so this?  Yeah, she's got this.  She can do it.  It's just a matter of when the desire to do so is greater than her fear of the extreme changes it will require. 

[Darth Logos]

I hope you weren't anything like her partner.  It's bad for her and very obvious.

Oh no. My so called "abuse" was completely unintentional and therefore devoid of malice. It mainly had to do with my ADHD making it extremely difficult read social cues. it also didn't help my cause that I was on a medication that had the possible side effect of increased feelings of anger (that she failed to tell me  ) on top of a track record of occasional temper issues.

I despised failing in the one area I prized more than anything else, but I am now in a better state of mind, and preparing to be better in my next endeavor.

[Darth Justicar]

My temper is one reason I worry sometimes about the idea of marrying and having children.

(And despite popular belief it is no more acceptable for a woman to engage in such things and a man DOES have a right to not have to endure that.)

[Darth Logos]

My temper is one reason I worry sometimes about the idea of marrying and having children.

(And despite popular belief it is no more acceptable for a woman to engage in such things and a man DOES have a right to not have to endure that.)

You're not Irish are you?

[Darth Justicar]

You're not Irish are you?

Not that I'm aware of, but there is a great grandfather whose heritage the family knows nothing about.

[Darth Logos]

Not that I'm aware of, but there is a great grandfather whose heritage the family knows nothing about.

My ex was of Irish decent, and she made no excuses for her temper, yet mine was uncalled for. There were no shortage of reasons that we were compatible, despite being in love for a time.

(And despite popular belief it is no more acceptable for a woman to engage in such things and a man DOES have a right to not have to endure that.)

Still fuzzy about what you're trying to say here.

[Darth Justicar]

That a woman has no more right to mistreat a man, than the other way around.  Meaning it would not be acceptable for me if my temper got out of hand.  

(The belief that women are allowed to act towards men in ways men aren't allowed to act towards a woman is an unfortunate belief that some people have...some kind of weird chivalry whatever.  Me...I feel that I have no less obligation to own my actions and exercise self-control than a man.)

[Kham-Ryn Kurios]

That a woman has no more right to mistreat a man, than the other way around.  Meaning it would not be acceptable for me if my temper got out of hand.  

(The belief that women are allowed to act towards men in ways men aren't allowed to act towards a woman is an unfortunate belief that some people have...some kind of weird chivalry whatever.  Me...I feel that I have no less obligation to own my actions and exercise self-control than a man.)

_________________________

On the other side of the fence...I cannont stand to be around my father-in-law, which is to say, neither can the rest of his family.

[Noctis]

I, too, have a fantastically absurd temper that I manage to control for the most part.  I would blame it on being Scottish, but there are other (biological) reasons for it, none of which have anything to do with being one sex or the other.  There have been many times when I've tossed everything off a table or out of the freezer because I couldn't find something or simply "just because," but I tend to do that more so when I'm alone than in the presence of others.  No one needs to see my table-flip moments, even if some of them are kinda funny.   

However, I have always been vehemently opposed to the idea that it's "okay" for a woman to hit a man.  No, it freakin' isn't.  It's not "okay" for ANY sex/gender to strike another in anger and I can promise you, if someone hits me?  It's the only time they'll do it.  I don't think I've ever lashed out at anyone physically whilst angry.  It's just not my style and it's never appropriate.  I'm disgusted by it.

[Drahcir]

I think I'm pretty good at managing my temper - mainly because I'm always slightly annoyed and have built an insane tolerance for "dealing with it".
That being said my extended family are so stereo-typically old-fashioned that I can only handle brief visits with them. If I get asked when I'm getting married and having kids again I might go insane.

[Darth Logos]

That a woman has no more right to mistreat a man, than the other way around.  Meaning it would not be acceptable for me if my temper got out of hand.  

(The belief that women are allowed to act towards men in ways men aren't allowed to act towards a woman is an unfortunate belief that some people have...some kind of weird chivalry whatever.  Me...I feel that I have no less obligation to own my actions and exercise self-control than a man.)

Yeah, that. It's sexism at its finest. Kinda like how if a Black comedian makes fun of white people, it's funny. But vice versa, and it's racist. (I know that this statement might be a little charged, but it is merely an observation.)

However, I have always been vehemently opposed to the idea that it's "okay" for a woman to hit a man.  No, it freakin' isn't.  It's not "okay" for ANY sex/gender to strike another in anger and I can promise you, if someone hits me?  It's the only time they'll do it.  I don't think I've ever lashed out at anyone physically whilst angry.  It's just not my style and it's never appropriate.  I'm disgusted by it.

Totally agree. If you have the balls to hit a man, you'd better have the balls to get hit back.

I think I'm pretty good at managing my temper - mainly because I'm always slightly annoyed and have built an insane tolerance for "dealing with it".
That being said my extended family are so stereo-typically old-fashioned that I can only handle brief visits with them. If I get asked when I'm getting married and having kids again I might go insane.

So when are getting married?... (I just wanna see what happens)

 I've finally learned that for me, it's best to hold off Kylo Renning for a few when the occasion arises. I'm usually pretty good at finding a distraction to forget that I was upset (times I love my ADHD). But if the problem follows (namely a person), they are treading on frost thin ice.

[KraytDragonPearl]

Once upon a time in my last life I spent 8 years as a cop.  In my experience I have seen everything:  men hitting men, women hitting women, men hitting women, and women hitting men, its never pretty and it always ends messily.  I have had to hold my temper for many years and know when to release that anger.  I have hit men, women, and even teenagers when the need arose, but I never abused my power (I wasn't that kind of cop).  I have been spit on, crapped on, and thrown up on.  I fought with a guy who had a loaded .45 handgun in his pocket and he was going to shoot me if I hadn't fought harder than him.  I believe that a person is entitled to defend themselves no matter what.  I don't condone violence, but I believe that a person has a right no live as he/she likes and they should never be someone else's punching bag.    I have tried to help people get out of abusive relationships, but when a person doesn't want to leave, you can't make them.  It often takes a massive amount of damage before someone chooses to leave.  I wish  it were otherwise, but sadly no!

[ThreadJack]

I think I'm pretty good at managing my temper - mainly because I'm always slightly annoyed and have built an insane tolerance for "dealing with it".
That being said my extended family are so stereo-typically old-fashioned that I can only handle brief visits with them. If I get asked when I'm getting married and having kids again I might go insane.

I too am always slightly annoyed, and have built the tolerance for it.