Never underestimate the power of bitter people. They try to make the rest of the world as bitter and miserable as they are.
I am truly sorry about that though, it bites to be put in a situation where a family member is trying to "win battles" against you, especially if you're the type of person who doesn't want to "win" against your family. I'd love to see the look on her face when you show up.
My family is
very competitive, and every member of my family (including myself) is sadistic in one way or another, so relationships are always tense. I think I'm the only one who hasn't tried to destroy another relative's life.
Strength comes from within, as do the meanings we assign the BS that flies at us. You know, maybe that little boy in the Oracle's waiting room was right; there is no spoon. Maybe all the BS is just someone flapping away for attention, and instead of dumping loads of it on you, maybe it's a bunch of nothing at all. Nothing will tend to pass through you with no effect, other than the fact that your brain acknowledged it. This makes the one flapping away seem extremely ridiculous compared to the resilience you're showing, and that will get noticed. "I'm sorry you feel that way" is a good thing to say instead of drawing the blade and seeing purple.
I'm at the stage now where I don't even 'wear my armor' because I expect that no battles are even possible. Peace is coming again; I can feel it.
I tend to be that way, but when it's family it's really hard to ignore
Especially now that she's made it personal... Normally family business is really business-like and cold, but she's made it into a personal vendetta against everything I am and everything I have ever done, which is a first.
Some folks have a martyr complex.
This is your aunt setting you up so that she can play the wounded card.
My wife's grandmother would do the same sort of thing.
From an outside point of view: if this is to honor your father, then the rest of the family's slings and stones to attempt to deter you, especially with everything that has occurred for you personally, matter little. It's awfully petty of your aunt to attempt.
Petty is exactly how I would describe my family. They would kill someone just to one-up one their siblings.
So I'll go and focus on the memorial aspect of it rather than the fact that I'm surrounded by evildoers.
This is a quandary.
On one hand, if you go, you are playing right into her hands, giving her the opportunity to belittle you in front of the rest of your family. On the other hand, if you refuse to go, she has more ammunition to say that you are a terrible daughter for not showing up (because I sincerely doubt that she shared her dilemma about whether or not to invite you with anyone else).
Hmm... the best option, in my humble opinion, is to go to the dinner. Remain calm the entire time, even if she starts in on you. If she starts insulting you or your mother, calmly refute her claims. Above all else, have a serene smile on your face, as this will drive her insane. Let her show everyone else that she is the crazy one, and if it gets to be too much for you, politely excuse yourself, hug everyone else goodbye, and leave her place with these parting words to her, spoken in a sincere and loving tone: "I sincerely hope that I can grow into a kind, sweet, loving person. The kind of person that you are not."
I think I'll just act like nothing happened and pretend that I dropped my phone (which isn't really a lie. I dropped it violently
). My etiquette will be as flawless as ever and I won't break character even slightly. She's probably expecting me to either not show up or to show up and break someone's nose, and serenity will confuse her greatly - probably too greatly for her to react very well. It might actually be entertaining to see her caught off guard.
Well, I dunno what to say, but go, at least for a little while.
try to stay calm and polite, that'll throw it in her face!
and hugs! You sound like you need some hugs
Thanks, I definitely need hugs these days
You're walking into the lion's den going to that dinner, and with all the baggage associated with family, this must be a difficult trial for you. Not to jump onto the Yoda bandwagon (repulsorlift?), be calm, charming, and polite.
That being said, I noticed that you're using a lot of terms like 'enemies,' 'allies,' 'winning,' 'campaign.' It sounds like you're very much in a fight-or-flight mindset regarding the dinner. Going to a function held by a hostile host will do that, but in feeling cornered, your aunt has an advantage even before you walk through the door, and it may prove difficult for you to maintain composure for the duration of the dinner. All she has to do is just casually throw a couple personal insults your way and she gets a desired response from you to her satisfaction. So how to deal with that...
Some suggestions that might be helpful:
- Before you arrive at her house, treat yourself to something you like - listen and sing along to your favorite music, watch a funny clip from Comedy Central, treat yourself to a scoop of your favorite ice cream flavor. Set the mood within yourself before walking through the door. Take a couple deep breaths, put on that smile, even if you still don't feel like it, even if you're greeted by a frown, and head on in.
- Smiles and grins are infectious, fake it even if you don't even feel like it. Not saying that you have to have a permanent Cheshire grin, but when starting a convo, do it with a smile. Just doing that can set the mood, and it's almost an instinctive thing, other people will become more receptive toward you.
- Body language is very important in dictating and indicating how you feel. If you have time, watch this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ks-_Mh1QhMc#ws
- It may be good to be engaging positively with the others attending, regardless of how you think they feel about you. Just doing that can set the mood so that if/when your aunt makes snide remarks at you, other members of the family will experience some cognitive dissonance compared to their experience with you.
- If none of the above works, and she does start making your rage boil, recognize that she's trying to get a rise out of you. Mentally tell yourself, and recognize, that you are getting angry. And then let it go. If you're the visual type, picture that rage like a campfire, and then imagine yourself pouring a gigantic tank of water to douse it. Think of the soft gurgling of a clear stream on a bright spring morning. Whatever positive images/sounds/tastes etc. works best for you. Take a deep breath, think before you speak.
Hope you have a successful evening.
Like I said earlier in this post, my family is
very competitive and cliquish. Even the only trait we all share - sadism - places us in distinctive groups - the psychological sadists (my aunt) and the physical sadists (me), and they'll even use that difference to demean each other. Terms like enemy and ally are generally replaced with less harsh terms, but they're practically used in casual conversation when referring to other relatives, and although "campaigns" are normally too clandestine to be discussed openly, their existence is accepted and apparent. It's like I was born into a family of socialite Sithies...
Anyway, that's all great advice and I'll keep it in mind (and I'll watch the video in a bit). Especially the last point about controlling anger... Normally my first instinct is to calm myself down by smashing whatever is on hand (often a phone, although I hate them in the first place), but I'd never really considered thinking of water.
Speaking of water, I'm hoping that she did something illegal to obtain the information that she had so that I can take her to court. That would be great.
In this case, I think it's worth the effort... I've got nothing to do tonight anyway, and if worst comes to worst, I can squish her like a bug (she's maybe 5'4" and frail, and I'm around 5'11" and fit)
