Click here for lightsabers
  • Home
  • Help
  • Login
  • Register
Pages: [1]   Go Down
Author Topic: Chapter One - The Fist Trial  (Read 1148 times)
Kuroth Metro
Knight Ensign
*

Force Alignment: 34
Posts: 155

I Fight For Justice, And Serve The Jedi Order


« on: February 25, 2013, 06:22:45 PM »

Kuroth Metro had just turned 17, the age he was allowed to become an apprentice. Although he was allowed to be an apprentice, it does not mean he was skilled to be one. This of course was not what young Kuroth Metro was afraid of. No, he was more afraid of being thrown into the wild with no gear or weapons. He was only allowed one set of clothes and 3 companions. All of them were meant to be trained as apprentices as well. So the day finally came and he had spent weeks preparing for harsh wilderness. “Kuroth” called out a voice from behind the door. “Are you ready for your trial?” a tall man appeared in the doorway. It was Aaal Jaku, Kuroth’s beloved friend. Kuroth’s face lit up and he said “Yes I am, I am excited but also nervous. Can you tell me of when you were in the position that I am in now?” Aaal Jaku chuckled and sat down on the chair placed beside the bed. “Of course” he said “It was a while ago indeed. I remember having the advantage of sleep. The nights were long but the days were fast. I remember the friends I made while I was there. They are long gone now though” Kuroth tilted his head and looked at Jaku. He began to say “I am sorry to hear that.” Aaal Jaku laughed and Kuroth looked at him confused but less saddened. “They aren’t dead they just wondered off and left the Jedi behind. Back to the story, we were camping on what may have been the third night of the five. It was really quiet until the second watch. That’s when we saw the dark beast. Luckily for us, one of us had smuggled weapons in for the group. He is in prison now if I recall correctly. He shot it but only chipped its tusk off. I’m sure it’s long gone now.” Kuroth started to sweat, he was nervous as it was but hearing of a monster. “Kuroth… you’re frightened?” Aaal Jaku didn’t understand what Kuroth was going through. He forgot how he was terrified as well. The countless years of training had made him numb to fear. Kuroth heard a buzz as Aaal Jaku pulled out his communicator and said “Kuroth, it’s time to go”

The roll was called, over 80 students were being sent out to see if they were worthy for becoming a Jedi. Everyone knows that a Jedi knows to trust his instinct. Whether it be a Sith or just a wild animal. This is what the test was. Kuroth was place in a group with three others, Zerrak Starlight, Kahn T’ang and Shi Long. They had spent 15 minutes in a small room together, talking, getting to know one another. Kuroth stayed quiet and distant. The others didn’t like him very much. They had seen him around, helping out where he could. They were all jealous except for Zerrak Starlight who approached the lonely Jedi. “Are you nervous?” He asked as he sat on the chair opposite Kuroth. “I’m not nervous, I’m just anxious” said Kuroth trying so desperate to cover up his fear. “Well I’m nervous” said Zerrak trying to make Kuroth feel better. Zerrak had a good knowledge of the force. Just like Kuroth he had grown up lost and alone. His family was against his dream of becoming a Jedi and would always be abusive to him. Kuroth thought it was time to introduce him-self. “I’m Kuroth Metro, I never caught your name” he said in a way of asking that wasn’t direct. “I’m Zerrak Starlight.” They laughed and joked with each other when an announcement rang. “Young Jedi, containment unit 4-1-3-6-4 to the loading platform” Kuroth looked at the sign above his door, hoping it wasn’t his group. Those extra minutes would seem as seconds to Kuroth but he was trying to avoid going. He read the sign “4-1-3-6-4” the others shunned him but Zerrak stood by him. “We need to stick together out there.” He said as Kuroth started to walk out with him. “Let’s form a pact” So they did. They vowed to not forsake one another in any circumstances. The ship had a tense feel. Kuroth looked at the others who were there. The two Jedi who despised him, Zerrak Starlight his first friend and the three clone troopers who looked as though -even behind there masks- they were falling asleep. The ship landed in the harsh wilderness. All around, Kuroth noticed the trees that were forty stories high, the jungle that never ended and the vast variety of the plants around him. Kuroth jumped out, Zerrak by his side. The other two had already jumped out and were inspecting the environment. The ship took off and they were alone. The area was silent. Shi Long and Kahn T’ang approached Kuroth and Zerrak. “We can survive without you slowing us down. We are going south that means don’t follow us” Shi Long said as she walked away. She was about 5 meters away from Zerrak when Kuroth asked rhetorically “You do realize south is the other way don’t you?” She walked back and shoved him and kept on going. Kahn T’ang looked at Kuroth and Zerrak then left following after Shi Long.

Minutes of gathering supplies turned to hours and before long it was dusk of the first night. Kuroth started to put together the shelter while Zerrak started the fire. “Where did you learn to make shelters?” asked Zerrak. Kuroth looked over and gazed into the orange blaze that was letting out a tremendous amount of light. “I learnt this when I would go camping with my…” he stopped and realized he was going to say father. “Your what?” asked Zerrak looking into Kuroth’s eyes. “With my friend. We would go out every week” He said turning his head to the giant rock beside them. “We should climb it and see where they are” Kuroth said as he put in the last patch of leaves to cover the shelter. Zerrak looked over and nodded at him. They got to the top and looked down on their own campsite. Kuroth scanned the area but couldn’t see the other two. “Look over there in the distance, do you see the orange glow from their fire?” asked Zerrak “I see it, but how do you expect to see if they’re there. Unless you have the eyes of a bird.” Zerrak looked down and gathered a small pair of binoculars from his boot. “They never check the boot.” He said passing them to Kuroth. He looked through and saw the two in anger unable to set up shelter he laughed. Zerrak looked through and laughed. Then as Kuroth was about give them to Zerrak to put them away he saw something rustle in the trees. Kuroth peered through and saw a large grey beast with two tusks, one was severely chipped. “We need to save them” Kuroth said as he flew down the steep rocky surface. Zerrak came tumbling down when Kuroth turned to see he was incredibly injured. He went back to Zerrak and helped him up. A beast had come behind them. Kuroth was terrified, the thing he feared the most had happened. Unable to help the others Kuroth dragged Zerrak to the shelter. He came back outside and stared at the beast. It ran at him so Kuroth turned to the fire and grabbed a flaming stick. The hot embers scorched his hand but he didn’t care. He attacked the small beast and it ran off into the deep jungle were he had feared to go. Kuroth heard the blood curdling screams from the other two in the distance as he ran off, leaving Zerrak alone. Zerrak didn’t mind he just hoped Kuroth could make it on time…

=======================================================================================================
Hey guys me again, here is the first chapter of my stories, It isn't as long as I thought but it is long-ish. Hope you enjoy. As always I love to hear from you and leave a good old lightside point if you enjoyed. Also to people who have read my other issues, this is a clean up book. That was to test out my author skills and see if people liked it, and oddly enough some people do. So thank you Cheesy
=======================================================================================================
Logged


Waxman
Knight Commander
*

Force Alignment: 114
Posts: 696



WWW
« Reply #1 on: March 04, 2013, 08:47:49 PM »

I've been formulating some of my own stories but I've thought about this particular story in that it has roused my interest in finding out more how Jedi, in particular, train as Initiates and apprentices.  Much of it is rather elusive, or perhaps it's better explained in books and novels, however, I just don't have time for that.  From what I can gather, the training of a Jedi is rather intense, which is surprising considering the so incredibly cheerful training shown in the movies.

Anyway, I like how you are going into the origins.

One thing that I would recommend, although you aren't required to follow it, is to separate your paragraphs in between dialogue and exposition.
So, say for example I'm talking right now as the narrator and I'm explaining how this tree in front of me is really big and has a rather morbid appearance when all of the sudden Jarek speaks up "hey there how are you doing?  Boy is this tree large".  I couldn't agree more, "you're right Jarek" said Waxer.

This type of writing is okay, but it can be somewhat confusing as to what is actually going on and who is talking.
Another way to think about is to have your narration like this:

The dust was really thick, and then this gigantic, Ikiak came stomping and tromping down the mountain.

"Hey Jarek, look at that Ikiak on the horizon," Waxer said.
Looking towards where Jarek was pointing, "oh hey, that's really interesting," Jarek replied.

Suddenly the Ikiak stopped in its tracks and waved to the two spectators.  The Ikiak gleamed a smile before continuing on its way.


Again, it's not necessary, but it would greatly improve your writing mainly in terms of organization.  Everything else is pretty much fine and dandy.
Logged

Ultrasabers:
Bellicose-VA. Bane-BR. Consular-CG. x2 Initiate V3-SY. Aeon V3-GB. x4 Yari [Pike] Extensions.
Grab-Bag:
Aeon V3-GB. Dark Liberator V3-AB. Dominix V2-AB. Dominix V2-GB. Initiate V2-BR
Wishlist:
Manticore-PO. Dark Catalyst-Emerald. Shock LE-SY. Overlord-BR. Bellicose-VA. Archon-CG. Arbiter-AS.

Pages: [1]   Go Up
Send this topic | Print
Jump to: