The TRUE Dark side

[Darth_Arkanus]

I hit a wall two months ago myself. I had to take three weeks off of work on stress leave. I thought it was depression also, well, I didn't really know what was going on, so I got help.  A terrible incident made everything surface, and the walls in my mind closed in on itself, and there was nothing I could do about it. The mind can be a very scary place, and I was shocked, and frankly, terrified. After many sessions with professionals, it turns out that I almost completely ignore my emotions and 'rationalize' them using logic. So, I was retaught how to get back in touch with my emotions at 35 years old, and I've been steadily climbing back up the ladder since. So I buried the teenage angst I had and forgot about it, (I had it too, Rem), but I guess I suppressed mine and forgot about it.

On a side note, my anger is gone! I didn't think that was ever going to be possible, but it came mainly from within, but also from all of my friends' and family's support when I couldn't do it on my own. At first I was embarrassed about it, but now I see it as a monumental obstacle that's been both recognized and is well on the way to being overcome.

We'll hold the ladder for you where we can, man. Just let us know when it starts to wobble on you. You are certainly not alone and in good company here.

Thanks so much for being so open about what you are going through.

I have actually had my first session with a counsellor (well, she didn't CALL herself that, but you know what I mean?) She seems to think that my issues stem from self-esteem & self-confidence problems; namely the complete and total LACK of it! Also, I am in "survival mode" a lot, what with the last 5 years of my father's ill health, bills, mum on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and starting off with the collapse of my third attempt at a relationship.

I think it's gonna be a long road back, but I don't really see an alternative that keeps me breathing. lol I very much appreciate the friendship and support offered here. I cannot thank you enough. xx

[Mors dilectio]

There are ways to determine a person's personal feelings and thought patterns through certain questions but because the light and dark side of the force are so broad topics I would suggest your personal alignment comes from a perception of power.

Your depression can be treated my friend. Drugs can help but going to a psychologist or councseller will help more. You will never be fully cured but you can change how you see yourself and how you see others by talking to a psychologist.
There is a time for life and a time for death,
A time for war and a time for peace.

May you be given piece mate.

[Nhylus]

Both codes have valid points. I found a fanfiction Grey Jedi code once. And it was very well done. It made a lot of sense, even though it isn't canon, it still hit powerfully.
http://swfanon.wikia.com/wiki/Gray_Jedi_Code

There is always a moderation between logic and emotion. You must know when to feel, and you must know when to think in it's place. It's tough, I know, I really do. Instead of growing colder from the world, learn to have an understanding of it. You will absolve your negative emotions and feel free.
And the best possible advice I have ever heard in my entire life was "Love yourself".
Because if you cannot love yourself, you cannot love someone else, you cannot trust other people, you can't trust yourself.
If you become connected with yourself wholesomely, life will not disappoint you. Feel passion, but live in the now. The Jedi focus on the here and now. Sith are obsessed with the past and the future, and thus blinded to the world in front of them.
Understand that time flows in one direction (no really, it does. Physics as we know it dictates you can't travel backwards. You can only move forward, or speed up time forward.) What happened in the past cannot change. It will never change. No matter how many emotions or thoughts you run through, no matter how many "what if"'s and "If only I had.."'s you subjugate yourself through, the past can and never will change. You can only change how you feel about it. You can only control right now. 20% of life is what happens to us, and the other 80% is how we react to it. When you change the perspective, the reality changes. The past can only hurt you if you let it. It can only haunt you if you don't learn from it.

As a final note. Anytime I am having a very bad day. I watch/listen to this.

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlm-puZNZbg" target="_blank" class="aeva_link bbc_link new_win">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlm-puZNZbg</a>

[Darth_Arkanus]

Both codes have valid points. I found a fanfiction Grey Jedi code once. And it was very well done. It made a lot of sense, even though it isn't canon, it still hit powerfully.
http://swfanon.wikia.com/wiki/Gray_Jedi_Code

There is always a moderation between logic and emotion. You must know when to feel, and you must know when to think in it's place. It's tough, I know, I really do. Instead of growing colder from the world, learn to have an understanding of it. You will absolve your negative emotions and feel free.
And the best possible advice I have ever heard in my entire life was "Love yourself".
Because if you cannot love yourself, you cannot love someone else, you cannot trust other people, you can't trust yourself.
If you become connected with yourself wholesomely, life will not disappoint you. Feel passion, but live in the now. The Jedi focus on the here and now. Sith are obsessed with the past and the future, and thus blinded to the world in front of them.
Understand that time flows in one direction (no really, it does. Physics as we know it dictates you can't travel backwards. You can only move forward, or speed up time forward.) What happened in the past cannot change. It will never change. No matter how many emotions or thoughts you run through, no matter how many "what if"'s and "If only I had.."'s you subjugate yourself through, the past can and never will change. You can only change how you feel about it. You can only control right now. 20% of life is what happens to us, and the other 80% is how we react to it. When you change the perspective, the reality changes. The past can only hurt you if you let it. It can only haunt you if you don't learn from it.

As a final note. Anytime I am having a very bad day. I watch/listen to this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlm-puZNZbg#ws

Makes it sound so easy really (that video), but if it was, wouldn't everyone be doing it? I try though, really I do.

[Kitra]

Dont think of it as easy or hard.
Focus your efforts to the success.

Do or do not...

Leave your doubts behind every step you do is a step closer to your goal.

I am holding both thumbs for you pal!

Best wishes
PS: Anecdote... meditation is the easiest thing in the world: breathe in, breath out. repeat. nothing more, nothing less. the hard part for some is realizing that.
Meditation is.

"You arnt meditating till you are meditating."

It's important to remember not to confuse mindful breathing for a meditative state. It's like confusing the brushstrokes for the painting.

[Darth_Arkanus]

Dont think of it as easy or hard.
Focus your efforts to the success.

Do or do not...

Leave your doubts behind every step you do is a step closer to your goal.

I am holding both thumbs for you pal!

Best wishes
PS: Anecdote... meditation is the easiest thing in the world: breathe in, breath out. repeat. nothing more, nothing less. the hard part for some is realizing that.
Meditation is.

"You arnt meditating till you are meditating."

It's important to remember not to confuse mindful breathing for a meditative state. It's like confusing the brushstrokes for the painting.

Erm, so how do you tell "mindful breathing" from "meditating" then? I REALLY should know this, considering my spiritual leanings; but I guess I've never thought of their being a difference.

[Kitra]

Erm, so how do you tell "mindful breathing" from "meditating" then? I REALLY should know this, considering my spiritual leanings; but I guess I've never thought of their being a difference.

I encountered some people who said that meditation did nothing for them or lets say its not a very big difference.
My time with them (we were all free to come and to go no teacher or anything just free nature with about 15 like minded people) was mostly consisting of eradicating the thought that they are meditating.
They couldnt let go of thinking that they meditate holding the rythm and the deppnes(?) of their breath thus the mind couldnt settle.

It was just an anecdote on doing without thinking intuitive without the limits of your mind since there are the only limits you "know"! You posted:

"Makes it sound so easy really (that video), but if it was, wouldn't everyone be doing it? I try though, really I do."

And there was already doubt before engaging it while you want to give it a try.
Let go of your thoughts and feel your way through is what i wanted to point out.

Again i feel with you and hope compassionately for your well being!

[LightAndDark]

I know what the dark side is then. For all of high school, I suffered with suicidal thoughts, seeing things that werent really there, they would tell me things like How I was supposed to save the world. I had stress levels that made it impossible to carry out simple tasks, as well as headaches that wouldnt go away, which I had for years. I felt physical pain all the time from it. Eventually my delusions and internal suffering turned into anger. And eventually hatred towards all other people that rejected me and made me feel truly alone. I would punch walls, inflict self injury, and want to bing others down. Until recently, I found a way to control myself, supress my inner anger, and do the right thing for others. That is why I choose to have my first lightsaber have a green blade, to show that I have contemplated who I am, have returned to the light, and have explored both the light, and dark side.