Click here for lightsabers
  • Home
  • Help
  • Login
  • Register
Pages: [1]   Go Down
Author Topic: Beginning Of a Much Longer Story  (Read 2232 times)
DandoKhaan
Knight Officer
*

Force Alignment: 7
Posts: 123


Vibro Squad Leader


« on: July 12, 2013, 08:45:08 AM »

Hey Guys, I'm giving writing a shot so I started writing a story. Here is the very beginning. Please be critical and let me know what you guys think. Thanks!!!



Alex Knight slowly reached into his bag and felt the familiar grip of his lucky lightfoil. Drake, a very arrogent and annoying guy was standing opposite him, was continually insulting Alex and his family. Unlike most saber rakes, Alex was very hard to anger into a duel but Drake had hit his mark when he insulted Alex's lightfoil. He had built it himself and cosidered it his lucky charm, after all he had yet to be defeated while using it, and he wouldn't let anyone insult it without retaliation.
   "My little brother could build a better weapon, and he's barely out of diapers" Drake jeered. That's it Alex decided. He grabbed his lightfoil and tore it free, throwing his bag aside to the cold duracrete in the process. He pressed the button and watched the familiar emerald blade come to life in his hand. He decided long ago that there's nothing better than the feeling of a lightfoil in his hand. Drake instinctively drew and activated his own yellow bladed lightfoil. Alex began to feel the adrenaline course through his veins, and as a result time seemed to slow down as it always did during a duel for Alex.
   Danny quickly lunged towards his opponent, taking Drake by surprise so the young duelist was barely able to deflect the incoming slash. The following thrust was even closer. Alex's skill as a duelist was well known but Drake had been certain the stories were exagerated, but he was now forced to admit their validity. Alex continued a flowing series of attacks that kept Drake on the defensive, and each successive blow slowly destroyed Drake's defense.
   Alex loved to duel, it always made him feel alive. He could tell from the first blow that Drake was an excellent duelist, but nowhere near Alex's level. So rather than end the duel quickly as he was capable, he decided to toy with Drake and put on a show for Drakes friends that were watching. Alex could see the awe in their eyes as their friend was proven helpless against the quiet outcast. Alex smiled, the time had come to end this duel. He slashed Drake's blade hard from right to left, causing the blade to point tip down. He followed with another slash from left to right, striking the tip of Drake's blade and sending spinning it out of control and deactivating in mid-air. Almost quicker than the eye could follow, he whipped the the tip of his emerald bladed good luck charm to Drake's throat, stopping just centimeters from his exposed flesh. Alex held it for a good ten seconds before deactivating his lightfoil. He figured it was his turn to insult Drake.
   "Why don't you wait until your a little older before you try to play with the big kids, huh?" The crowd chuckled along with Alex as he slowly picked up his bag and returned his lightfoil to it's hidden compartment. Alex turned his back on a bewildered Drake and crowd and headed for home, a huge grin on his face. Sometimes he wished less people knew how good he was, then maybe more of them would challenge him.
Logged

Vibro Squad leader, boards are green and weapons are hot

Alvalon
Knight Commander
*

Force Alignment: 6
Posts: 834



« Reply #1 on: July 12, 2013, 08:59:36 AM »

First, let me state that I think it is a good beginning to a story.

That said, and I feel bad saying this because it's just a personal preference, but I'm not exactly what you would call the biggest fan of third person omniscient. But, an actual piece of advice, do something to mark off what is an actual thought that a character has. For example,
That's it Alex decided.

The "that's it" is an actual thought that Alex thinks, in his head, no? If it is, then it's helpful to mark it off as such, with italics or some such. So, it would become: That's it, Alex decided.



Sorry if I sound mean or anything, that just jumped out. But, as I said, seems like it could make a good story.

Logged

DandoKhaan
Knight Officer
*

Force Alignment: 7
Posts: 123


Vibro Squad Leader


« Reply #2 on: July 12, 2013, 09:02:02 AM »

No it doesn't sound mean at all, and thank you for the praise and advice. I'll definitely try to remember it as I continue the story.
Logged

Vibro Squad leader, boards are green and weapons are hot

Alvalon
Knight Commander
*

Force Alignment: 6
Posts: 834



« Reply #3 on: July 12, 2013, 09:16:17 AM »

No it doesn't sound mean at all, and thank you for the praise and advice. I'll definitely try to remember it as I continue the story.

whew. I was just kinda worried because that first point was purely a personal preference.
Logged

DandoKhaan
Knight Officer
*

Force Alignment: 7
Posts: 123


Vibro Squad Leader


« Reply #4 on: July 12, 2013, 06:08:56 PM »

No you're fine. I'm actually really glad that you told me that. it was originally going to be first person, but I'm still practicing that.
Logged

Vibro Squad leader, boards are green and weapons are hot

Alvalon
Knight Commander
*

Force Alignment: 6
Posts: 834



« Reply #5 on: July 12, 2013, 08:55:41 PM »

No you're fine. I'm actually really glad that you told me that. it was originally going to be first person, but I'm still practicing that.

I get you there. First person can be really hard to write in, especially for a longer work.
Logged

Pages: [1]   Go Up
Send this topic | Print
Jump to: