a little help

[Darth Scorpious]

So this is what I have so far I'm a little stuck what do you think? Be gentle with me I haven't written in years 



It seemed like the stars were falling from the sky, burning bits of the republic cruiser came surging through the atmosphere. Parts of the behemoth fell across the planet destroying whole cities a piece of debris was falling towards a small settlement. A young twi’lek boy stood watching the chunk of ship heading towards the village, other people were running and screaming but the boy just stood watching. Within minutes smaller pieces crashed through buildings and into people. The boy’s grandfather ran towards him whilst in mid-flight he scooped the boy into his arms. A large fragment of the ship smashed into the ground behind them an enormous ball of razor sharp dust and flame spewed from the wreckage the young boy was ripped from his grandfather’s grasp.
After a few moments the old man rose to his feet, there in front of him was this ball of death encapsulated in what seemed like a Devine light it just seemed like it was hanging there motionless. The realization that the boy was not with him sparked panic in his amazement there stood the boy his pail skin shimmering in the dirty gold light holding the ball in place, the boy struggles and manages to push the enormous cloud back in on its self until there is no more. How did you do that the old man asks, the boy stands mute shocked in himself.
The boy was carried away by his grandfather back to their home as they entered the door there was a Human Male standing in the middle of the room. The grandfather stopped, who are you?
Please I just want to see the boy, the dark figure moved out of the shadow the grandfather dropped to his knees, I’m sorry sir I didn’t realize it was you. The master of the house Nalars walked forward and stud above the boy. Tell me your name boy, the youngling looked up and spoke Sona Hapet.
The dark figure smiled looked at the old man and motioned him to walk, Nalars placed his arm around the grandfather’s shoulder, tell me Silais how long have you served me? Silais took a step away and took to his knees once again, I have served your family for 59years Sir, if I may ask why? Nalars pauses for a moment, The boy Silais, why didn’t you tell me about the boy? A look of confusion fell over Silais.

[Frizzenflyer]

reads well, perhaps a little rushed, but that is better than being too slow. you might also consider structuring your writing in such a way that the quotes are easily distinguishable.

given the amount of deference the old man shows for the master it might be best for him to simply ask for clarification, and then you can use the master as a vessel for a little much needed exposition regarding how the force adepts are seen in that part of the universe.

[Darth Scorpious]

Thanks for the criticism it is really helpful I have been slowing the pace down, once I re-read it seemed to rushed. I have added a little more but will put it in once I've gone back through the original work. Point to you 

[Darth Scorpious]

Here's an updated version with a small added part to it.




It seemed like the stars were falling from the sky, burning bits of the republic cruiser came surging through the atmosphere. Parts of the behemoth fell across the planet destroying whole cities a piece of debris was falling towards a small settlement. A young twi’lek boy stood watching the chunk of ship heading towards the village, other people were running and screaming but the boy just stood watching. Within minutes smaller pieces crashed through buildings and into people. The boy’s grandfather ran towards him whilst in mid-flight he scooped the boy into his arms. A large fragment of the ship smashed into the ground behind them an enormous ball of razor sharp dust and flame spewed from the wreckage the young boy was ripped from his grandfather’s grasp.
After a few moments had past the old man rose to his feet his ears ringing from the explosion, his eyes blurry but there in front of him was this ball of death encapsulated in what seemed like a Devine light it just seemed like it was hanging there motionless. The realization that the boy was not with him sparked panic in his amazement there stood the boy his pail skin shimmering in the dirty gold light holding the ball in place, the boy struggles and manages to push the enormous cloud back in on its self until there is no more.
How did you do that? The old man asks.
The boy stands mute shocked in himself his grandfather picks him up and carries him away back to their home as they entered the door there was a Human Male standing in the middle of the room very well groomed his hear slicked back off his face and tied in a small top knot, his face was that of an ageing man but still young in the dim fading light of the small and shabby apartment.
The grandfather stopped, who are you?
Please I just want to see the boy.
The dark figure moved out of the shadow the grandfather dropped to his knees.
I’m sorry sir I didn’t realize it was you.
The master of the house Nalars walked forward and stud above the boy.
Tell me your name boy, the youngling looked up and spoke Sona Hapet.
The dark figure smiled looked at the old man and motioned him to walk, Nalars placed his arm around the grandfather’s shoulder.
Tell me Silais how long have you served me?
Silais took a step away and took to his knees once again.
I have served your family for 59 years sir, if I may ask why?
Nalars pauses for a moment, the boy Silais why didn’t you tell me about the boy? A look of confusion fell over Silais.
 I don’t know what you mean sir.
Nalars pauses for a moment and turns slightly so he can see both boy and grandfather.
You didn’t tell me that the boy is force sensitive.
Silais tries to answer but grips his throat he starts gasping for air, his eyes start to roll in his head and blood excretes from his ears eyes and nose, trying to speak through the pain but it becomes to much until the grip is broken. Silais regains consciousness to find Nalars pined to the wall two feet of the ground in agonizing pain.
Sona realise him.
The boy standing in the middle of the room hand stretched out in front of him, anger and fear surging across his face his out stretched hand trembling, Sona realises his grip on Nalars. He falls a short distance and lands on his face lying on the ground gasping for breath Nalars pulls himself to one knee.
Bravo little one that’s just what I was hoping for.
A smile motions on Nalars face, reaching out a hand to grab something in the room so Nalars can stand.
Come to me Sona.
The boy walks slowly and stands directly in front of Nalars.
How long have you been able to do these things Sona?
Sona looks down at his feet and just shakes his head.
Would you like to find out how much you can do? I can send you to a place that will unlock potential for you to be able to be extremely powerful.
Sona’s eyes widened, again Nalars smiles he knows that he has the boy in his hand. With a promise of wonder the boy looks for approval from his grandfather but his grandfather would not look at him it was then that Sona realises that the decision he makes would be his and his alone.