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Author Topic: A long way from home  (Read 1877 times)
DarthVonJadus
Force Sensitive
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Force Alignment: -2
Posts: 7

The dark side has the best parties


« on: October 24, 2014, 01:06:52 AM »

Hello to everyone checking in on this, I hope you enjoy my tale.
For the moment the thread is a placeholder but will be updated soon ( I have to do a little more research, and get some sleep. not in that order haha)
I aspire to tell a great story as well as shed light into the backstory of Darth Von'Jadus. I have a good idea as to the direction of the story however a few details still elude me, so bear with me and I will do my best to provide a literary work worth reading.

I would love feedback, comments, or observations along the way.
      Von'Jadus
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DarthVonJadus
Force Sensitive
*

Force Alignment: -2
Posts: 7

The dark side has the best parties


« Reply #1 on: October 25, 2014, 06:54:22 AM »

      People always said that when you get frozen in carbonite you hibernate; you’re not supposed to be aware of anything, think anything, or feel anything. Just sleep until thawed until thawed. I’m starting to think I have been lied to. I suppose I cannot be completely sure that I’m not dead, however I was taught at the academy that upon death those strong enough in the force could remain as ghosts or something more. While the Jedi I killed all claimed to be heading to unity with the force. I cannot even feel the force anymore. Even so here I am, trapped in a blinding light with nothing but my own thoughts and memories to keep me company.

     The question how did I get here, wherever here is, and a good question it is. I suppose to answer that I should go back to the beginning.

     I remember it quite clearly now, it seems odd how fuzzy memories can get until they are all you have left. It was a hot dry morning in Mos Eisley, the first sun had already risen fully and the second was following quickly behind it. I awoke drenched in sweat to the sound of the latest tune coming across the holonet. “great the climate control must have broken, I knew I should have slept on the ship” I muttered to himself. Jadus yawned and stretched as he moved towards the holocumputer to silence the music. “Oh my neck! What was that pillow made of durasteel? This day is just going to be wonderful I can already tell.” he mumbled groggily. Normally I would not have been on such a harsh world, normally I would have been sleeping in a nice bed, in a rather nice apartment on Corellia, but you see that day was not normal, that day was the day of the swoop bike interplanetary championship race.

      It seems like a life time ago now, but at one point I was a professional swoop racer, Sure a galactic war was raging between the Jedi and the Sith but I had no part in it. I was just a regular guy, and we regular guys had to make a living somehow. People need entertainment, and have credits to spend. Hutts love to gamble, and swoop racing brings in big money so if I can make credits  while riding my bike at speeds that would make a Wookiee shriek all the better. Besides what’s the harm in taking everyone minds off of the madness raging around them for a while?

     As soon as I had turned off the music there was a rather loud knock on the door *BANG BANG BANG* “Jadus, Let ME in, and so HELP me if you aren’t awake!!!” *BANG BANG BANG* I quickly got dressed and opened the door to the rather annoyed face of my Cathar pit chief, Dae’Jaa. “Just WHAT under the TWO suns do you think you are doing? Do you know what time it is? YOU were supposed to be at the space port an hour ago.” He stated emphatically as he swung full force at me with a left jab. I shifted just enough so that it just lightly skimmed my shoulder. “Look fuzzy I set my alarm for the time you gave me, 0700, so I don’t want to hear it.” I said with one eye open and a smirk on my face. “No space for brains, I said the check in was at 0700. Luckily we managed to get you in the race anyways... a few thousand credits later. They are coming out of your cut by the way.” He uttered in a somewhat flustered tone. “and I still can’t figure out how I’ve never hit you… too bad too it might knock some sense into your helmet holder… Just make sure you’re at the race track at 1400, we can’t win if you don’t show up.” “No worries, I’ll be there but for now I’m off to get something to eat.” And with that I shut the door behind me and headed off to the nearest cantina.

Never in a millennia would I have guessed just how drastically my life would change in the following hours.


haha cliff hanger, I decided that I couldn't put it up all at once so this will be written up and posted in installments
I hope everyone likes the story thus far
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Frizzenflyer
Knight Commander
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Force Alignment: 271
Posts: 2462


Triple Ace


« Reply #2 on: October 25, 2014, 01:04:27 PM »

Very nice, its well written and your characters are already mostly defined. I have just a small suggestion, and it may be inconsequential, but you might try separating dialogue between characters a little, it took me a second read through of the fifth paragraph to realize he was talking to his crew chief and not that the chief just kept talking (in my defense its nine o:clock on a saturday)
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"we did it first, and we did it old school... none of them fancy Incom T-65 X-Wings... we had ARC-170's and Z-95's... we had to work for our kills."~Jestucker

DarthVonJadus
Force Sensitive
*

Force Alignment: -2
Posts: 7

The dark side has the best parties


« Reply #3 on: October 27, 2014, 12:50:16 AM »

it took me a second read through of the fifth paragraph to realize he was talking to his crew chief and not that the chief just kept talking (in my defense its nine o:clock on a saturday)


Thank you for the info, I was kind of wondering how readable the conversations would turn out, but i started writing at midnight after work and finished at about 2 so i was in no shape to reread and judge

I'll work on that on my next installment
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