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Author Topic: An excerpt from an ongoing story.  (Read 8662 times)
MeepleWood
Knight Sergeant
*

Force Alignment: -5
Posts: 84


Dark side points appreciated!


« on: January 24, 2015, 09:34:40 PM »

Let me explain the bit you're about to read. Me and a few friends decided to create a story, In which we were characters and wrote to further it. All you need to know for this story, Is that There are three of us over the other four. One apprentice and one odd one off (The strange boy). The top three are Aetus(Me) , Zane(Friend of mine) Luna (Friend of mine) The names of our apprentices don't really matter for this part. Enjoy.I led the strange boy into my Meditation room and sat him down on my floor. "What are you going to do to me?" he said in a stern voice, which I could tell was laced with worry. "Nothing, really." I said as I handed him a plate of meat I had cooked with my lightning earlier. "This isn't poisoned is it?" he said. "No, maybe, I can't remember honestly." I replied, obviously fooling with him. "Well...eh, why not?" he said as he took a bite out of the meat. While he was eating I began to silently probe at his mind, until all of his Memories came to me in a rush, and he fell unconcious infront of me. Suprised I said to myself, "I didn't even apply any extra force..." As I levitated the child alongside me I decided it was best to place him in Zane's room. As he stank and I didn't want him in my meditation chamber. I laid him on Zane's bed and said "You can stop hiding now. I've known you were there the whole time." I said to the not-so stealthy blue child behind me. "You knew I was there?" my apprentice said. "Yes, I have since the interrogation room." I replied. Obviously trying to change the subject my apprentice pointed to something sticking out from under Zane's bed. "Odd....What's that?" I said out loud. Levitating his bed, With the child on it, into the air I upset several piles of Magazines. "Oh, dear." I said as I noticed that they were in fact, Twi-lek gone wild magazines. "Uhh.... We're going to go find Zane now." I said as I walked out of the room and down the hallway toward the temple entrance. "And did I tell you that you could take a magazine from under his bed? Never mind, Just...don't let Luna see it." I said to my apprentice as we exited the temple. Before I even stepped out I sensed that Zane was doing something stupid, and stopped the Pod in midair while levitating up to the roof, to stand behind Zane. "Well I guess he sensed it coming." Zane said. "I also sensed you wouldn't catch it." I replied. "Hey, I totally had that under control!", he snapped at me. "Indeed", I replied. Zane said, "Where is the kid?" I replied, "After I got the information I needed he passed out from exhaustion and starvation. I put him in your room with a glass of water next to him for when he wakes up. And don't worry, he's harmless for now. Also I find it very disturbing that you have so many issues of Twi-Lek gone wild magazine." his jaw dropped as he said, "YOU PUT HIM IN MY ROOM??? There must be a hundred rooms in this temple and you put him in my room?!?!?! And those magazines aren't mine, they were on that cargo ship I raided earlier!" I rolled my eyes and said, "Uh huh sure" as I started walking away. We were bickering the whole way down to Luna and the ships. When we got to Luna she stood up and said, "What did you find out?" And as I replied, Zane said the exact same thing I did. "We all need to talk."
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"There is no peace....Wait, screw War I might die.."

Darth Severus
Knight Commander
*

Force Alignment: -141
Posts: 2824



« Reply #1 on: January 27, 2015, 08:45:10 PM »

MeepleWood,

I've read through the excerpt and it seems pretty solid, but one bit of feed back I would give is formatting. If you look at it is one solid wall of text. Breaks between paragraphs are essential espicially on this site with white text on a black background.

If you want more people to read through it and give feed back on the storyline, I'd suggest an edit. With a paragraph break between the intro and the excerpt and then between every switch in character dialogue. It would clean the piece up a lot and allow more people to read all the way through.
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It is not the side of the force we chose, but our actions that define us.
Dark Liberator-AS
Phantasm Staff -DVA

MeepleWood
Knight Sergeant
*

Force Alignment: -5
Posts: 84


Dark side points appreciated!


« Reply #2 on: January 28, 2015, 08:37:36 PM »

Thank you Severus, But it won't let me edit it anymore sadly.
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"There is no peace....Wait, screw War I might die.."

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