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Author Topic: A Tarnished Knight  (Read 15811 times)
Lord_S_Gray
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« Reply #75 on: October 29, 2017, 02:27:10 PM »

Good Ending...I like the interaction re his disobedience and the consequences of that, yet still his head strong actions are acknowledged as being useful in this investigation.  I guess they seem to acknowledge the imperfections of every situation and promoted on the basis of making the best with the situation they are given rather than say proving they understand some philosophical mumbo jumbo.

Only one thing to consider, it seemed to me a little odd Jaim got them out so easy...I'd have thought a ceiling crashing would've triggered a security lockdown? Though deep into Imperial territory I suppose they might be a bit asleep at the wheel with regards to such protocols, arrogant and slow to respond, or maybe mention Jaim had a difficult time given its from Zearic's POV....but that's probably just me being pedantic, just seemed like an odd jump...I should know my stories have more than a few! 
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Lord_S_Gray

Surik: "Kreia, what are you—are you a Jedi, a Sith?"
Kreia: "Does it matter? Of course it does, such titles allow you to break the galaxy into light and dark, categorize it. Perhaps I am neither, and I hold both as what they are, pieces of a whole."

TheDutchman
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Force Alignment: 1026
Posts: 3842


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« Reply #76 on: October 29, 2017, 02:48:41 PM »

Good Ending...I like the interaction re his disobedience and the consequences of that, yet still his head strong actions are acknowledged as being useful in this investigation.  I guess they seem to acknowledge the imperfections of every situation and promoted on the basis of making the best with the situation they are given rather than say proving they understand some philosophical mumbo jumbo.

Only one thing to consider, it seemed to me a little odd Jaim got them out so easy...I'd have thought a ceiling crashing would've triggered a security lockdown? Though deep into Imperial territory I suppose they might be a bit asleep at the wheel with regards to such protocols, arrogant and slow to respond, or maybe mention Jaim had a difficult time given its from Zearic's POV....but that's probably just me being pedantic, just seemed like an odd jump...I should know my stories have more than a few! 

Not at all LSG^^  I really appreciate your comments. It's constructive feedback that helps me as a writer  Smiley

While I would LIKE to say "yeah it's Zearic's POV, etc." that is a VERY good consideration you brought up my friend  Wink. And no, I don't think that you were pedantic at all.  Again, good critique will enable me to become a better author, and since I consider myself in good company (you, TR, Karm) I legitimately appreciate all of your responses  Smiley
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Cataphract Triarch of the Vhal'Dan

My sabers:Zearic's Aldrnari, Archon v3 (modded w/ activation box) w/Obsidian, AS; Zearic's shoto, Apprentice v4 w/Obsidian, AS; Graflex SE w/Obsidian, GB; Archon v3 (modded w/ activation box) w/Obsidian, CG; Dark Sentinel v4 w/Obsidian, BR; Sentinel LE v4 w/Obsidian, GB; Initiate v5 w/Obsidian, AS; Sentinel LE v4 stunt, EG; Aeon LE v4 stunt, FO; Dominix v4 stunt, BR; Aeon v3 stunt, SY

Lord_S_Gray
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Force Alignment: 307
Posts: 1660



« Reply #77 on: October 29, 2017, 02:58:58 PM »

Not at all LSG^^  I really appreciate your comments. It's constructive feedback that helps me as a writer  Smiley

While I would LIKE to say "yeah it's Zearic's POV, etc." that is a VERY good consideration you brought up my friend  Wink. And no, I don't think that you were pedantic at all.  Again, good critique will enable me to become a better author, and since I consider myself in good company (you, TR, Karm) I legitimately appreciate all of your responses  Smiley

No worries mate.  One of the more interesting things I've found through feedback you guys have provided me is that different people tend to pick up on different aspects of your story, and often in ways you don't expect...e.g. I hadn't anticipated the positive reaction I got from Soryu's chapter, to me he was like Lyr (which I was also surprised you liked!) a bit of a 'filler' to see things other POV couldn't...made me re write some other chapters I had for him a bit to emphasize some of the comments I got from you guys.

I'd have thought Valens massacring and mutilating people would've been more of a shock to the system, but it seemed to go unnoticed, perhaps because I've set my characters up as having a culture so radically different to the Republic already it wasn't unusual.

Anyway to sum up you can't predict what people pick up on, but what you can do is take it all on board then adapt what you write in the future on the feedback you get.
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Lord_S_Gray

Surik: "Kreia, what are you—are you a Jedi, a Sith?"
Kreia: "Does it matter? Of course it does, such titles allow you to break the galaxy into light and dark, categorize it. Perhaps I am neither, and I hold both as what they are, pieces of a whole."

TheDutchman
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Force Alignment: 1026
Posts: 3842


Avatar courtesy of For Tyeth


« Reply #78 on: October 29, 2017, 05:26:41 PM »

No worries mate.  One of the more interesting things I've found through feedback you guys have provided me is that different people tend to pick up on different aspects of your story, and often in ways you don't expect...e.g. I hadn't anticipated the positive reaction I got from Soryu's chapter, to me he was like Lyr (which I was also surprised you liked!) a bit of a 'filler' to see things other POV couldn't...made me re write some other chapters I had for him a bit to emphasize some of the comments I got from you guys.

I'd have thought Valens massacring and mutilating people would've been more of a shock to the system, but it seemed to go unnoticed, perhaps because I've set my characters up as having a culture so radically different to the Republic already it wasn't unusual.

Anyway to sum up you can't predict what people pick up on, but what you can do is take it all on board then adapt what you write in the future on the feedback you get.
Lol SO true! That's why I enjoy the feedback: completely different perspectives than I thought!  BUT it allowed me to write a better piece  Wink.  Well stated, my friend^^
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Sig courtesy of DarthScrub

Cataphract Triarch of the Vhal'Dan

My sabers:Zearic's Aldrnari, Archon v3 (modded w/ activation box) w/Obsidian, AS; Zearic's shoto, Apprentice v4 w/Obsidian, AS; Graflex SE w/Obsidian, GB; Archon v3 (modded w/ activation box) w/Obsidian, CG; Dark Sentinel v4 w/Obsidian, BR; Sentinel LE v4 w/Obsidian, GB; Initiate v5 w/Obsidian, AS; Sentinel LE v4 stunt, EG; Aeon LE v4 stunt, FO; Dominix v4 stunt, BR; Aeon v3 stunt, SY

Karmack
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Light side points please.


« Reply #79 on: October 30, 2017, 07:21:46 AM »

No worries mate.  One of the more interesting things I've found through feedback you guys have provided me is that different people tend to pick up on different aspects of your story, and often in ways you don't expect...e.g. I hadn't anticipated the positive reaction I got from Soryu's chapter, to me he was like Lyr (which I was also surprised you liked!) a bit of a 'filler' to see things other POV couldn't...made me re write some other chapters I had for him a bit to emphasize some of the comments I got from you guys.

I'd have thought Valens massacring and mutilating people would've been more of a shock to the system, but it seemed to go unnoticed, perhaps because I've set my characters up as having a culture so radically different to the Republic already it wasn't unusual.

Anyway to sum up you can't predict what people pick up on, but what you can do is take it all on board then adapt what you write in the future on the feedback you get.

Diverting a bit...

I think Valen's actions don't shock us as much for two reasons.  First, we don't SEE it (visual) so there's a layer of insulation within our own perception of the event.  I have a visual that my mind created for the the events, but ironically after thinking about it I realized I'd somewhat sanitized the event a bit in my own mind.  Visually I was focused on Valens, not his targets, so what he was actually doing to them didn't register quite a strongly.  Second, he was killing "bad guys", so there's a touch of justice/vengence there that strikes a chord with me as an American.  I tend to fall more into the category of someone who looks more at what a person is doing than necessarily why, for the simple reason that its often not possible to know why.  So he's using force lightning to kill his oppressors.  Not going to shed many tears for those oppressors.  And I like to root for an underdog anyway.  Smiley

So....  Wrong thread, but that's kinda my take on why we didn't react as strongly to Valen's ... outbursts.  LOL

as for the ending...  Honestly, I was caught up in the story and I didn't notice it.  I guess I just assumed that Jaim used the confusion of the moment to get his friends out. In retrospect it might be something that could have been addressed in the closing narrative, but most likely if you did have that explanation and were trying to publish your editor would probably edit it out anyway as TMI.  LOL

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Master Singer of the Mak'Tor

Lady Revan
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Posts: 2349


I leave my alignment to Fate-whether Light or Dark


« Reply #80 on: November 09, 2018, 12:22:47 AM »

“Gaetana.  A High Inquisitor.”  The Kage’s voice echoed throughout the dome, a collective gasp of disbelief coming from the assembled Gray Jedi.  Again, the Kage’s eyes shown bright, this time with anger.  Controlled, true, but anger nonetheless.  So, she didn’t know everything.  “Yet I find it difficult to believe that she would embark in a subterfuge that would directly lead to the deaths of her confederates.”

“Forgive me, but you don’t know Gaetana.  Or rather, you didn’t have the…experience with her that I did.  When our minds joined, I saw not only the immediate events prior to her trap; I saw EVERYTHING.  She was one of the architects of the razing of the Temple at Kewda. With Astar, she’d instructed her Inquisitors to “keep him alive, just short of death.”  And when Jorya had thought she heard Gaetana say “Take care,” she’d really been telling her Inquisitors to “Take her.”  She had left instructions for the two cells of Inquisitors to ambush us: capture, if possible; kill if not.  With Vader, she helped to orchestrate this entire incident.” Having said it aloud, I felt ashamed.  I had fallen for her ruses; lead into confrontation after confrontation.  I was the dupe, Gaetana, the chessmaster.

“And how do you know all of this?”  The Kage’s question was monotone.

Involuntarily, I sighed.  “Simple.  She told me.”

            __________________________________

“And so, you’ve been my puppet all this time and I, your marionette.”  Her melodious laugh was incongruous with her evil nature.  “But, I always knew that you would come before me.”

Still dazed, I fought to regain my faculties.  Slowly, I was recovering.  I had to keep Gaetana distracted, keep her talking.  “Me?  How?”

Her lidded eyes looked amused.  “Zearic, you forget: I KNOW you.  Quick to anger, somewhat arrogant, and prone to strike out.  Overly-reliant on your strength to overpower opponents.  Intelligent, yes; but easy to manipulate.  How D’Aylanna married you is beyond me.”  Her last came out as a laugh.

“Is this what you’re about?  Jealousy?  Really Gaetana.”  Stronger now, my mind almost free of cobwebs.

At first, Gaetana looked bewildered, then she laughed.  Loudly.  “Oh my.  Zearic, you poor deluded fool.  I have no such…romantic designs with you.”  She kneeled by Jaim, checking his pulse.  Whatever she found, she seemed satisfied when she stood.  “No, you wouldn’t understand.  The Dark Lord only wants the strongest to serve him.  In that, I know you will prevail…at least with…instruction.  Then: you will serve him, strengthening the Dark Side and our Empire.”  She lazily paced towards me.

But I still wasn’t recovered enough.  Stall, delay.  I laughed.  At that, Gaetana stopped, a questioning look crossed her face.  “‘Strengthening the Dark Side?’  How can you say that when you’ve caused over a DOZEN Inquisitors’ deaths?!  Or did you ‘foresee’ that as well?”

Again, the tall woman smiled, voice filled with amusement and contempt as she spoke.  “I did, or rather, I had—how do you say—hedged my bets?  Again, your lack of perception illustrates my point: you are a fool.  I already told you: the Dark Lord wants only the STRONGEST to serve him.”

She was still too far from me.  “All of those Inquisitors?  They were nothing but…but a metric by which to gauge us?”

Gaetana’s smile deepened.  “Chaff among the wheat.  And not ‘us’ Zearic, just you.”

Closer now.  “So Vader would applaud Avvon’s death?  Really, a battlemaster?  Or is it because he was more powerful than you and you feared his position above you in the Inquisitorious?”  At that, I grinned.  “And—like you said—the Dark Lord wants ONLY the strongest.”

Now Gaetana faltered, her smile gone.  And with it, her casual attitude.  But before her thought could become action, I attacked.  Igniting my lightsaber, the blue blade threatened to impale the High Inquisitor.  But even distracted, Gaetana was a master.  Quick as thought, her orange blade sprang into existence, easily blocking my assault.  But, I’d anticipated that she would; having gone low, I was able to connect solidly with my elbow to her face.  Stunned, she retreated backwards.  Seeing the opening in her defenses, I fought furiously, utilizing Djem So.  Orange and blue blades crossed, many times coming close to their target but never connecting once…

…Until I noticed that despite the concerted attacks against her, Gaetana was smiling, and had been doing so almost the entire time.  Switching tactics, I shifted to Juyo, thinking of D’Aylanna’s training.  And I knew that I was good, very good.  My blue blade sliced through Gaetana’s sleeve, exposing the skin underneath.  But, still, she smiled.

Looking at the cut sleeve and seeing her arm undamaged, her stance…changed.  As I said: I was very good.  Gaetana was a master.  Faster than thought, she took the fight to me, attacks like lightning, yet precision unlike anything I’d ever seen.  She was even better than D’Aylanna.  It was all I could do to keep my defense between myself and Gaetana’s deadly blade.  Sweat began to pour onto my face.  Gaetana hadn’t even begun to perspire.  And still she came: her orange blade faster than any Kodashi viper.  Pressed, I clumsily switched to Soresu, trying with everything that I had left to keep Gaetana’s blade at bay.

But it was only a matter of time.  Blinding pain erupted along my arm where the High Inquisitor’s lightsaber cut effortlessly though my right-forearm below the wrist, my blue blade extinguished as it fell from my severed hand.  On her recovery, she swept her blade through my extended left leg, bisecting through the calf.  Falling, I hit the floor hard.  I saw the trauma of my amputated extremities and fought myself from going into shock.

Almost lazily, Gaetana closed down her lightsaber.  Her smile was still on her face.  “Well.  I am sorry to say that I hadn’t foreseen that.  But you should not have threatened me, Zearic.  Avvon WAS favored…but only by the smallest of margins.  And certainly not as a result of his saberwork, as evidenced by your victory over him.  Still, even a…HINT of impropriety can be fatal, even for a High Inquisitor.  The Dark Lord can be…changeable with his favorites.  It would do no good if I had a…former candidate try to denigrate my position, even before he was accepted into the Inquisitorious.”  Her eyes had a dangerous look, mirrored by the contortion of her mouth.  She ignited her saber and raised it above me.  Gaetana, High Inquisitor.  Executioner.  “Such a waste,” she intoned.

Before her orange blade fell, I caught movement out of the corner of my eye.  Gaetana must have also seen it because she arced her lightsaber to intercept a green blade, locking both opponents for a moment.  Standing toe to toe with her, G’av barely came up to the High Inquisitor’s chin.  Gaetana’s smile slowly widened before separating from the blade lock.  Both opponents said nothing as they stared at one another.  And then it began.

G’av’s Ataru was unmatched, his form infallible.  Each of his strikes was faster than the last.  And each time, Gaetana deflected.  Both combatants circled one another, orange and green blades too fast to track; strike, parry, riposte.  Even if I wasn’t fighting my body’s efforts to go into shock, I would have been unable to follow the intense dual.

But Gaetana’s skill with the saber was better still: her attacks savagely beat at G’av’s diminishing defense, his saber swinging in tighter circles around him, coming near to striking himself.  The tall woman struck, feinted, and feinted again.  G’av responded accordingly…unfortunately creating an opening in his right flank.  It was miniscule; I doubt most saber practitioners would have noticed it.  Gaetana was not “most.”  Knocking G’av’s green lightsaber aside, her next cut arced upwards through G’av’s back.  The small koawan fell hard, unmoving on the ground.  Letting out a breath, Gaetana finally relaxed.

I used the pain to focus, fighting off the shock.  G’av.  Grief as bad as my physical pain hit me.  Jaim.  The loss threatened to overwhelm me.  Gaetana.  Rage, bordering on hate, begin to rise.  A thought, not even a plan, began to form.  Again, I must stall.  What was that name?  I focused on Gaetana.

“Looks like you’ll lose standing in front of your master, Ja’ce Yiaso.”

She slowed, turning her head slightly while her eyes narrowed.  “What do you know of the Grand Inquisitor?”

Grand Inquisitor?  Interesting.  “You all bicker like children to the most powerful member of your order and think that you’ll still be in good graces.”  Yes, Gaetana, come closer.

Walking sideways, Gaetana’s smile turned into a wry grin.  “‘Most powerful?’  The Grand Inquisitor IS powerful, but he’s not the ‘most.’”  She began to casually inspect her fingernails.  When she began speaking again, it was in an almost conversational tone.  “The most powerful Inquisitor of our Order is a man to be feared, almost as much as the Dark Lord himself.  In fact, he alone has been awarded the affectation ‘Darth,’ same as our Sith Lords.  The Emperor knows why he isn’t Grand Inquisitor, but Darth Rowahn could take the mantle from Grand Inquisitor Ja’ce Yiaso.”

Even half-listening, I made a mental note.  Darth Rowahn.  Feared even by a High Inquisitor.  And Gaetana had defeated me easily.  But, knowledge was power.  Not that it would matter.  Only another meter, Gaetana.

“Who knows?  Maybe, in time, you could have attained the power that Rowahn possesses.”  Her smile vanished.  “Instead, here you die.  But, don’t worry.  I shall take care of D’Aylanna myself.”  Then she smiled, a rictus grin full of teeth.  “Open your arms wide, Zearic.”  And as she swung a killing blow down on me, she stepped forward.

Just as the orange blade descended intent on cleaving my head, I brought up my left hand, catching the blade in my glove.  My cortosis glove.  Gaetana’s lightsaber immediately deactivated, pulling her off-balance.  Before she fell on top of me, I saw a look of pure astonishment fill her face.  Wrapping her in my arms, I reached out with the Force to the stanchions overhead.  Using ALL of my effort, strength, and willpower, I PULLED.

As the metal ceiling, framing and electrical all, came crashing down upon us, I whispered to Gaetana, “Open your arms wide.”

The last thing I saw was a five-meter length of ceiling collapse.

Then there was pain.  And, blessedly, darkness.


Don't mind me! Just bookmarking! Smiley I love what you have here so far, Dutch! Cheesy I can't wait to finish and head off to the next one Smiley I have to ask though... Is this the same Gaetana Inquisitor who was in "Shadow of the Outcast"? I feel like there was a Gaetana High Inquisitor there too, though I could just be tired and mistaken
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Author of: Only Light Can Cast Shadow A pre-KotOR Fem!Revan Fic

Twisted Morality (Part III of "Only Light Can Cast Shadow")

I leave my alignment to fate--Light or Dark

Lady Revan
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Force Alignment: -1055
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I leave my alignment to Fate-whether Light or Dark


« Reply #81 on: November 09, 2018, 03:28:43 AM »

That was awesome! And I've been able to answer my own question finishing lol. Onto the next! Cheesy Bravo, Dutch!
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My Sabers: I'mma make a link eventually. list doesn't fit in sig any more Sad

Author of: Only Light Can Cast Shadow A pre-KotOR Fem!Revan Fic

Twisted Morality (Part III of "Only Light Can Cast Shadow")

I leave my alignment to fate--Light or Dark

Karmack
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Light side points please.


« Reply #82 on: November 09, 2018, 12:54:25 PM »

Yeah.  Pay attention to Gaetana.  She keeps popping up...   ;-)
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