*** Tears of the Singer ***
I spun though the forms, always moving, shifting... Targets floated around me, a dozen blaster-balls firing random shots as they whizzed around the periphery and several target drones moving in and out, some firing as well, others wielding practice blades. My own staff was also one of the practice weapons, but I'd made some small modifications to the hilt so that it perfectly mimicked my new weapon in both weight and balance. Only the pale blue of the low-power blades set it apart, and after days of hours-long workouts it was finally becoming the natural extension of my body and thoughts that I needed it to be.
Sweat flew from me and fatigue was creeping up. I intensified my battle-song and added a small counter-melody that fed new energy into lungs and limbs. My body responded nicely, the fatigue poisons leached away and renewed energy and vigor flowing into arms and legs. But on the edge of perception I could feel the burning beginning again...
You need to back off. Rest. Recover..."No!" I said, not realizing I had spoken out loud. I threw myself into the form, flowing from point to point, increasing speed. The blue blades disappeared into a whirl as they spun through strikes and orbits, moving in arcs and combinations that no one had taught in the classroom. This was pure improvisation: the balance of form and function on the knife-edge of creativity. Moving like a shade I slid through the salle eliminating targets, deflecting blaster bolts away from myself and into other drones... I suddenly stopped in an extended stance, the blades still as the last target drone fell, the last blaster ball dropping from the air, deactivated by a deflected shot. There was calm and stillness broken only by the ragged sound of my breathing and the hammering of my heart in my ears...
Slow clapping erupted from the doorway. "Well done, Master Karmack! Arnor told me you'd decided to brush up on your staff techniques, but I had no idea you were working on Juyo."
I turned and bowed to the dark figure in the doorway. "Thank you, Master Zane. I ... would appreciate any feedback you may have."
L'Gan Zane, Master of Blades, stepped into the room. She was small, three centimeters shorter than Arnor, and lithe in form and movement. Her black hair was cut in a short style that was both feminine and practical, and her hazel eyes practically glowed with challenge. I had not sparred her in years, but had watched her best Kage Lo several days earlier staff to staff while barely breaking a sweat. She moved like lightning and with the utter smoothness of quicksilver. She was an expert in all seven of the recognized Jedi forms of saber combat, and preferred Juyo.
It was the ferocity form, and she was ferocious...
Zane picked up one of the fallen remotes and examined it. "Twelve remotes and eight target drones, all set for maximum AI and interlinked. One might think you were preparing for an army, Master Karmack."
I bowed again. "I am, Master Zane."
She nodded, her bright eyes probing me. "Well then. Your form looks impeccible. But as they say, good against remotes is one thing. Good against flesh-and-blood..."
I felt the attack coming and blocked it, the force energy of her thrust diverting around me. Behind it a mind probe - trying to gather my intentions and cloud my actions - while simultaneously calling her own customized practice hilt to her hand and sending every single piece of loose equipment, targets, drones, even several extra practice saber hilts, flying at me.
I blocked the probe and rode it back into her own mind, going for her center of balance and looking for her intent as well... She slammed the door on me, but it put her on the defensive in the mind war. Simultaneously I caught the flying debris and channeled it all into a stream spinning around me, then sent that stream rifling back at Zane like a stream of machine-gun bullets. Her force block scattered the pieces all over the room, but using it left her open...
I trailed the last target drone with a massive push of my own, catching her by surprise. The push hit - hard - and sent her flying backwards. She caught herself and turned it into a somersault, landing gracefully across the room from me. "Well done! Now, the fun begins..." She smiled, and I suddenly felt the floor beneath me shift as the section I was standing on suddenly shifted and flew away, throwing me awkwardly onto my back.
My own trick! She used my own trick on me....The thought barely formed before she was upon me, blades ignited. I blocked her initial attack and tried another force push, but her defenses were up fully now.
As were mine. Our battle songs were in full voice, the tambre in the force making it clear that we were just sparring but it was as close to an all-out death-match as anyone ever came. Zane was serious when she sparred. She hadn't lost a match in years. And I...
I will NOT lose. Never again...I felt something harden within me... A resolve I hadn't known was there. A shell around something else... I shook it off.
Not now!Battle-light was in Zanes eyes, but there was something else there, too... "Let it go, Karm. Whatever you're holding onto, let it go."
"What?" I drew up a touch. "What are you...."
She struck, blades flashing. I barely managed to make the block, and the force of her attack threw me backwards. I rolled, came upright and rebounded, using a force-augmented push to throw myself up and over her as she slashed through the place I should have been had I recovered normally. I landed and spun, launching and attack of my own but she wasn't there....
Agony ripped through me as her blade hammered into my side. I collapsed forward, the searing pain coursing through my torso, and then in a fashion Zane was famous for she finished the lesson with the follow-on shot to the head. Fresh agony ripped through my skull, and my vision blanked for a moment...
That should have ended the fight. I could feel the fatigue now in my body and joints. I was exhausted. When I tried to augment with the force, the fiery pain that burned in my nerves was more than just a nuisance. It was a warning: stop now.
No....I shook my head, raw fury and anger welling up. Irrational anger....
Boy, what are you doing? I asked myself in the voice that sounded so much like Du'an Chillum...
The voice that replied was raw with fury.
Shut up... I will NOT be defeated!I threw myself into a forward roll and rose into a combat stance. "Point."
Zane's face now looked very serious. "Karm, stop this now. What are you trying to prove?"
"I..." For a moment confusion reigned. Then icy rage and resolve. "No. Not again. Fight!"
I didn't wait. I launched my attack, physically and with the force. I intensified my song, reaching out, focusing it...
No... I can't do that... The crystal isn't here... The crystals in the practice sabers were neither the Ancient One or the Adegan crystals of my new staff. They were simple Ilum crystal, and had no force connection. The augmented song I tried to launch through the crystal reverberated ... and fed back through me.
It was to much. I felt my body fail, muscles cramping. Fire coursed through my body, my mind. The battle song died, and I felt a veil drop over the song and the force as my connection to both failed. I collapsed, writhing in pain, and for a time all I knew as burning agony.
No... Not again....Again, I had gone to far. Again, I had lost connection.
Again I had failed...
I came back to myself to feel strong hands working the worst of the knots out of my back. The pain was immense, my arms and torso still cramped. I could barely breathe. Gingerly I lifted the veil, reaching for the song, the force....
It was like dipping burned skin into hot water. The connection ... burned. But it was still there. Still working. I gritted my teeth and initiated a mild healing song. Slowly the soothing energy flowed into my limbs, relaxing muscles and clearing the fatigue poisons, but I couldn't keep singing long enough to clear everything. I drew a full breath and rolled over on my back, pulling the claws of my hands back out, stretching the muscles of my fore-arms as Zane used the opportunity to carefully stretch my hamstrings.
Finally I was loosened enough to sit up and move again. "Thank you, L'Gan."
Master Zane sat next to me. "Karm, what is going on? What are you trying to prove? Arnor told me you've been in here every day for hours. Are you trying to kill yourself?"
I met her eyes. She was genuinely worried. And if Arnor had sent her here to intervene, then my wife was far more concerned than I had convinced myself she was. "No. I just..."
I stopped.
What? C'mon Karm. What is it? You know. Say it.I looked down at my hands, then back up at my peer. "I lost the Ancient One and couldn't help Arnor because I ... went to far. I wasn't strong enough."
Zane's eyes widened slightly, then hardened. "Hogwash."
Anger - fury - welled up again in my chest. "What do you know about it?" I snapped back.
The room echoed with the sound of Zane's slap across my face. "You know perfectly well what I know about it! How dare you..."
I felt the burn on my cheek from her hand. I saw the tears in her eyes, shining. Remembered her husband and son, dying together while she lay nearby, wounded and unable to help them...
...not strong enough...I saw the pain in her face and realized I had caused it. Caused it on purpose. "L'Gan, I am so sorry! Forgive me..."
Zane leaned in, nearly nose-to-nose with me. "I will, Karm ... if you will forgive yourself."
"But..." I slumped back on the floor, staring up at the ceiling. "But what I did..." My voice was a whisper. "I ... hurt her ... so bad ... so bad ..."
Zane grabbed my hand. "You saved her, Karm. You saved Ken. You saved that other Gray, Zearic, and created the opening that let his wife finish the mission. Do you really think Arnor, Jorya, or Ken would be better off if you hadn't done what you did?"
I looked at her. "No..."
Zane stood up. "Then let it go, Master Karmack. Or it will eat you alive."
Zane sent her practice staff back to its place in the salle armory rack and walked away, leaving me alone with my thoughts.
Learn from failure, Karmack. Du'an always told you that. Learn. And forgive. You forgive others. Forgive yourself!Arnor's broken form flashed in my memory. Her form, broken, naked, bloody... And surrounded by dead enemies. Covered by my own cloak. Rescued...
You saved her...Ken's face, bloody and shocked, his right arm gone at the shoulder, his heart and lungs immolated by the Zabrak's saber. That same face, slack now, as the healing song poured through me, through the Ruh Crystal, and the force energy reformed that shattered body... Ken's face, alight with hope and joy as he received his knighthood.
You saved him..."Maker, forgive me!" I felt the tears begin as I released my selfish pride. "Maker... I am yours. Forgive me my foolish pride..."
Slowly the knot in my chest, a knot I had barely acknowledged was even there, unwound its death-grip on my heart. The anger and rage I had been directing outward dissipated as I released the fear and self-loathing that had fueled them.
I could not forgive myself. But the Maker was faithful and promised in his Way that He would forgive. And so, as the tears flowed, I laid myself at His feet and sought His forgiveness, His mercy, His grace. And as the Way said, the Maker replaced my tears with His light. My sorrow with His joy. My suffering with His relief.
And I heard it ... the Song rang with it. As my own eyes dried, the Tears of the Singer fell...and set me free.