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Author Topic: Has anyone here been to the dark side and back?  (Read 952 times)
LightAndDark
Knight Apprentice
*

Force Alignment: 10
Posts: 29



« on: December 15, 2017, 04:25:36 PM »

I was once originally one with the light. I was always one to do the right thing for others, and devoted myself to that cause. it did not last for long. When you have to deal with thoughts of suicide all through high school, see things that tell you that you must save the world, believe that everyone in the entire world can hear your thoughts, cannot trust even your own parents, inflict self injury, become trapped in a dark void with no way to escape, and no way to even speak out loud this pain, you lose yourself. Overtime these burns, these scars fuel a hateful fire that consumes who you once were and leaves your whole world bare, and leaves you to choke on the ash and smoke that surrounds you. The resentment for all those who choose not to help you, to get you out of this dark hole builds up, i need to come back to the light....... does anyone know how to do this?
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LightAndDark
Knight Apprentice
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Force Alignment: 10
Posts: 29



« Reply #1 on: December 15, 2017, 10:37:42 PM »

I was once originally one with the light. I was always one to do the right thing for others, and devoted myself to that cause. it did not last for long. When you have to deal with thoughts of suicide all through high school, see things that tell you that you must save the world, believe that everyone in the entire world can hear your thoughts, cannot trust even your own parents, inflict self injury, become trapped in a dark void with no way to escape, and no way to even speak out loud this pain, you lose yourself. Overtime these burns, these scars fuel a hateful fire that consumes who you once were and leaves your whole world bare, and leaves you to choke on the ash and smoke that surrounds you. The resentment for all those who choose not to help you, to get you out of this dark hole builds up, i need to come back to the light....... does anyone know how to do this?


Im sorry guys I dont know what led me to write this, its been a pretty rough and dark past few years and I feel like Im losing my mind.
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Tzimho
Knight Officer
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Force Alignment: -75
Posts: 129


I'm one with the force, the force is with me..


« Reply #2 on: December 16, 2017, 12:25:19 AM »

I've had some interactions with the darkside inside of me. Selfharm, suicidal thoughts, even had dreams where I'd watch my friends getting murdered by others.
Even though I kinda got over it by finding some love and support in different communities and friends, sometimes I still feel the darkness looming over me like a shadow.

Can't say that I can help you, sorry. But I kinda get where you come from.

The reason I identify myself as a gray jedi is also because of my past, still have those "impure thoughts" now and then. Luckily I'm more and more accepting that they will always be a part of me and running away from it will only make it worse. By learning from my past and learning how to deal with it that really keeps me on the go.

Still have a lot of insecurities, but I am growing as a human being every step I take foreword.

Just know that writing it off can really give you some breathing space.

Even while writing this I let a tear, not because of my sadness, but because of the relieve of how far I've come.
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LightAndDark
Knight Apprentice
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Force Alignment: 10
Posts: 29



« Reply #3 on: December 16, 2017, 12:35:02 AM »

I've had some interactions with the darkside inside of me. Selfharm, suicidal thoughts, even had dreams where I'd watch my friends getting murdered by others.
Even though I kinda got over it by finding some love and support in different communities and friends, sometimes I still feel the darkness looming over me like a shadow.

Can't say that I can help you, sorry. But I kinda get where you come from.

The reason I identify myself as a gray jedi is also because of my past, still have those "impure thoughts" now and then. Luckily I'm more and more accepting that they will always be a part of me and running away from it will only make it worse. By learning from my past and learning how to deal with it that really keeps me on the go.

Still have a lot of insecurities, but I am growing as a human being every step I take foreword.

Just know that writing it off can really give you some breathing space.

Even while writing this I let a tear, not because of my sadness, but because of the relieve of how far I've come.


Thank you for sharing this, its good to know that Im not alone in this fight. And I think I may identify as a Grey Jedi as well.....


Thank you for sharing this, its good to know that Im not alone in this fight. And I think I may identify as a Grey Jedi as well.....
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Illyiss
Knight Commander
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Force Alignment: -491
Posts: 946


There are shadows darker still...


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« Reply #4 on: December 16, 2017, 01:20:14 AM »

I am very familiar with those kinds of darkness.  I have dealt with suicidal ideations (different from being suicidal, btw) as long as I can recall, bouts of rage which took years and years to mostly have a handle on, depression, anxiety, and other dark issues.  Find someone, or many someones you can effectively talk to.  Not just tell about, but people who are good at listening and letting you really share.  A good therapist can help a lot.  You may need to go through several before you find one that meshes well with you.  A therapist isn't meant to fix you, but to help you share, and develop good, healthy coping habits, and overcome negative habits.  From what you have said, if you are not seeing one, I would encourage you to consider it strongly.  Sometimes medication can help you take the edge off of things, and cope, sometimes not.  We are each different, as is the struggles we face.  Please, reach out when those darknesses get near to overwhelming, there are many who are willing to listen, to help.  Stay strong, stay present in the moment (it really helps.  Honestly, the books "The Jedi Path" and even more so, "The Dharma of Star Wars" have helped me, though any good books that work for you on the subjects would be good), and strive for a full and enjoyable life.
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Darth Pandæmis

Peace is a lie...

Jedi Council of Ohio

Dominix LE V4 Tri-Cree FO, Sentinel LE V4 BR, Sentinel V4 BR, Dark Initiate LE V3 CG

LightAndDark
Knight Apprentice
*

Force Alignment: 10
Posts: 29



« Reply #5 on: December 16, 2017, 04:02:20 AM »

I am very familiar with those kinds of darkness.  I have dealt with suicidal ideations (different from being suicidal, btw) as long as I can recall, bouts of rage which took years and years to mostly have a handle on, depression, anxiety, and other dark issues.  Find someone, or many someones you can effectively talk to.  Not just tell about, but people who are good at listening and letting you really share.  A good therapist can help a lot.  You may need to go through several before you find one that meshes well with you.  A therapist isn't meant to fix you, but to help you share, and develop good, healthy coping habits, and overcome negative habits.  From what you have said, if you are not seeing one, I would encourage you to consider it strongly.  Sometimes medication can help you take the edge off of things, and cope, sometimes not.  We are each different, as is the struggles we face.  Please, reach out when those darknesses get near to overwhelming, there are many who are willing to listen, to help.  Stay strong, stay present in the moment (it really helps.  Honestly, the books "The Jedi Path" and even more so, "The Dharma of Star Wars" have helped me, though any good books that work for you on the subjects would be good), and strive for a full and enjoyable life.


Thank you for this, and I will strongly consider seeing a therapist, I have been stuck like this for years now and I think it is time to heal, to do what I can to rid myself of this pain. It may take a while, but I will do what I must.
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Illyiss
Knight Commander
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Force Alignment: -491
Posts: 946


There are shadows darker still...


WWW
« Reply #6 on: December 16, 2017, 03:00:29 PM »



Thank you for this, and I will strongly consider seeing a therapist, I have been stuck like this for years now and I think it is time to heal, to do what I can to rid myself of this pain. It may take a while, but I will do what I must.

It is a long struggle, I'm not going to lie, but worth it, as you advance to having more good days than bad, and get better and better.  Stay strong, and may the Force be with you.
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Darth Pandæmis

Peace is a lie...

Jedi Council of Ohio

Dominix LE V4 Tri-Cree FO, Sentinel LE V4 BR, Sentinel V4 BR, Dark Initiate LE V3 CG

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