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Author Topic: Invictus  (Read 2470 times)
Golden Fedora
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The Grey Prophet


« on: October 09, 2018, 12:21:54 PM »

So a few weeks ago I got the idea to write a story in the Disney timeline with the First Order and all that, but with my own changes. My story Invictus is set about 30-40 years after what we see in TFA and TLJ. the First Order won the war and the Galaxy has lived in constant hopelessness for decades.

PROLOGUE:
      77 A.B.Y.
   “We both know how this ends!” A man in black yelled into the darkness.
   “It ends with you dead!” another man called out. As soon as he finished talking two greenish beams snapped into existence swinging towards the man in black’s throat. Those beams would have decapitated the man in black, but then an orange blade appeared and stopped the two Teal blades.
   “Your dead now Free.” the man in black growled, igniting a second orange blade.
   “Then I’ll take you with me!” Free yelled, deactivating his sabers and moving back into the shadows. The man in black looked around the chamber for his elusive opponent.
   “You know you can’t sneak up on me Free!” the man in black yelled looking around the room. Sensing something behind him he whirled around, swinging his fiery sabers in a wide arc. His saber slammed into Free’s with a loud clash. Free quickly disengaged from the fight and slid back into the shadows
   “Come out and fight me like a man!” the man screamed throwing his hands out to the side spraying fire around their surroundings. They were on a large platform with Free crouching by one of the edges in a corner. The man made the fire hover in 6 orbs in the corners
   “You can’t hide from me now Free, why not fight me?” the man in black said raising his sabers.
   “Fine then.” Free said. His sabers ignited with a loud snap and Free rushed the man in black. The two began to trade blows almost too fast for the eye to track. For the beginning of the fight neither of them could gain any advantage over the other, but then the man in black began to push forward against Free, shoving him back towards the edge of the platform. Free became desperate, trying to work around the man in black and back towards the center of the platform but the man in black wouldn’t have it, and he continued pushing him towards the edge. By this time Free was covered in blood from gashes on his arms and legs, but the man in black was still fresh and ready to keep the fight going. As they approached the edge, the man in black blasted his sabers through Free’s guards and shoved him to the ground on the edge of the platform. Free tried to call his sabers to him with the force but the man in black sliced off Free’s hands and watched as his sabers flew into the void. Free screamed in pain as he fell to his knees and watched his hands fall to the ground.
   “Goodbye Free.” the man said. The man in black then stabbed Free through the heart. Free looked at the man in black and, with his last words, said something that would haunt him forever...


CHAPTER I
   67 A.B.Y.

   The crowd roared as Tyr stepped into the arena. He looked around at his friends and colleagues who were about to watch him fight to the death for his name in the Decade Games.  The Games are week-long brutal contests of speed, strength, and agility held every ten years, founded by the founder of their civilization on the planet Tyalos, Aeris Stahr. Tyalos is in the same star system as Kashyyyk and Trandosha, but it has more of a desert climate than it’s woodland counterparts.
Tyr looked around the blood-stained arena and realized who his opponent was. His opponent was the two time champion Baron Rynt Invictus, almost undefeated in all forms of combat for 20 years. He was one of the most powerful men on Tyalos both physically and politically, and his prefered weapon was a double-ended spear. Tyr on the other hand, was nowhere near as well known. He was a relatively unknown gladiator in underground fight clubs. The only skills he had were skills he gained fighting on the streets, his only weapons were a sword and knife provided by the Decade games. His mind was already blown because of how far he had actually made it, He made it through the qualifiers and first five heats with little resistance and the quarterfinals with the same. The Semi finals were harder, he came pretty close to losing to a young man from the other side of town. That man is dead now.
   “Ladies and Gentleman! This is the fight you have been waiting for all week long! The two time winner of the Combat portion of the Decade games; Baron Rynt Invictus. And the, so far, undefeated challenger; Tyr!” blared the arena speakers
“If Tyr wins, then he will take the Baron’s rank and his name, Invictus. Both of these competitors have everything to lose, Tyr, his life, and what reputation he may have. And Rynt, His rank, reputation and life. So without further ado, let the contest begin!”
A loud gong sounded. Tyr drew the sword and knife from his sheaths at the same time that Rynt raised his spear. Tyr slowly began to close the distance between them being careful to stay out of range of Rynt’s spear. Rynt stood almost perfectly still, only moving when Tyr tried to get behind him. Eventually Tyr got tired of the games and he lunges in and swings his sword at Rynt’s throat but Rynt brought up his spear and blocked Tyr’s blade and used the other blade to swipe at Tyr’s head. Tyr managed to dodge at the last second, but he took a nasty gash on his left arm. He screamed in pain and staggered backwards. Rynt swung again, this time striking Tyr in the leg. Tyr screamed again. Rynt grinned as the crowd roared and cheered him on, he moved forwards to finish Tyr off. Tyr managed to get his sword up and block Rynt’s first strike, but the second blew his sword out of his hand and sliced open his hand. Rynt used the handle of his spear to bash Tyr in the head, the he brought it around and stabbed Tyr in the side.
“And that makes three.” Rynt said with a wicked grin on his face.
With the last bit of his strength Tyr drew his knife with his uninjured hand and drove the knife up through Rynt’s stomach and into his lungs. Rynt looked at the knife in his chest with huge, surprised eyes, looked at Tyr, and fell over dead. The entire arena fell deathly silent, until one brave soul began to clap. The whole stadium was cheering for the competitor who only seconds before they thought was a dead man.
“Tyr! Tyr!” the crowd chanted. Tyr himself barely heard them, he looked down at his adversary and he smiled a grim smile.
“I won.” he said, then he fell over unconscious.
Later on he woke up in the small medbay that was under the arena.
“You are one lucky boy.” one of the medics said, “not many people have stood against Rynt Invictus and lived to tell about it.” Tyr just moaned in response, turning over and intending to fall back asleep.
“Hey, you can’t pass out now kid, you have to get ready for the celebration. And some of the surgeons want to see if your new arm works.” the medic said.
“New arm?” Tyr said questioningly. The medic gestured towards Tyr’s left arm. He looked down and saw that right in the middle of his bicep his arm stopped being flesh and blood and turned into a shiny silver steel.
“What happened to my arm?” Tyr asked the medic looking at his new appendage with intrigue.
“In your fight with Rynt you took a very bad wound to your arm. One of Rynt’s blades was poisoned, by the time we figured this out, your arm from the elbow down had been rendered useless. The rest of your am and body would have followed unless we amputated your arm.” the medic said.
“What can it do?” Tyr asked the medic.
“Everything your old arm could do, but it is relatively fragile compared to other cybernetics, it is about as strong as you old arm was.”
“Why is it fragile?” Tyr asked the medic.
“Stronger cybernetics are Illegal in most of the galaxy, The New Order doesn’t want people to become cyborgs like General Grievous back in the Clone Wars.”
“That’s bull.” Tyr said angrily while testing out his new arm.
“And many people agree with you, but nothing can defeat the Order. We all know what happened to the Resistance.” the medic said in a grim tone, getting on odd look on his face.
   “Also, when you go to the celebration, don’t let the people get to you. Some of them will be quite upset that Rynt lost to a boy like you, many of them placed large wagers against you. So try not to show off your new arm too much, some of them may take it as a sign of weakness.”
   “Why could it be a sign of weakness?” Tyr asked.
   “It implies that you can be hurt. Killed.” the medic said.
   “Can’t everyone be hurt?” Tyr asked questioningly.
   “Not you, you can never be hurt. The Invictus name means undefeated. If you ever lose a fight it could mean the loss of your name, reputation, and the support of the people. And if you ever are defeated you can never let it show. You have to always stay up, no matter how much you want to go down.” the medic said. By this time all the other medics had left the room and Tyr was alone with the medic.
“Well I should go.” Tyr said “Big celebration and all.”
“Enjoy the celebration.” the medic said, picking his things up and turning to leave.
“Hey! I never got your name.” Tyr said getting up and following him.
“Dameron. Jason Dameron.” the medic said turning to face Tyr
“Wait, as in Poe Dameron? The resistance pilot who was in a dogfight with Kylo Ren?” Tyr asked in amazement.
“Mhm, that Dameron. Poe was my father. He raised me until I was 15. That battle happened on my 16th birthday. My father was killed the day I became a man.” Jason said.
 “See you at the party Invictus.”


That is all I'll be doing for now, but Chapter 2 is coming along pretty good and should be posted within the next week. Another thing, My friend is writing another version of this story but from Free's Point of View. He will be posting it under his forum name, Jagen Moonrider.
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Karmack
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« Reply #1 on: October 09, 2018, 01:10:42 PM »

Hey GF!   This is an interesting setting!  I don't know off-hand of anyone writing from a post-TFA point of view that has the First Order WINNING!  Bold!  And I am looking forward to watching this timeline develop! 

Invictus indeed...   So, does that mean he's now the ruler of the planet?  :-)
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Golden Fedora
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« Reply #2 on: October 09, 2018, 01:18:23 PM »

Not the planet, but over the next few years, he will develop into a powerful figure on Tyalos.
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For Tyeth
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« Reply #3 on: October 09, 2018, 01:41:29 PM »

Hi Golden Fedora,

Great start to your story (though I did get a sneak peek that wrote itself as I read it  Wink ) Looking forward to seeing how this develops and all my new reading I have to do now thanks to you all!
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Golden Fedora
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« Reply #4 on: October 09, 2018, 03:42:06 PM »

Hi Golden Fedora,

Great start to your story (though I did get a sneak peek that wrote itself as I read it  Wink ) Looking forward to seeing how this develops and all my new reading I have to do now thanks to you all!

Thanks Tyeth, I am glad you like it. Chapter 2 is getting close to being done and will be uploaded by Friday unless something comes up
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Lord_S_Gray
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« Reply #5 on: October 09, 2018, 03:48:57 PM »

Invictus...what a poison crown that seems to be, I wonder if he gets a special Sword of Damocles as part of becoming Baron....

"We all know what happened to the Resistance." well no we don't but i look forward to finding out.

Anyway good start with the 77 ABY then sudden switch up - who is Free and the man in Black - are they at all related to Tyr? Don't know but it sets a mystery to answerable from the get go.
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Lord_S_Gray

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Golden Fedora
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« Reply #6 on: October 09, 2018, 03:58:07 PM »

Invictus...what a poison crown that seems to be, I wonder if he gets a special Sword of Damocles as part of becoming Baron....

"We all know what happened to the Resistance." well no we don't but i look forward to finding out.

Anyway good start with the 77 ABY then sudden switch up - who is Free and the man in Black - are they at all related to Tyr? Don't know but it sets a mystery to answerable from the get go.

the thing with the resistance will all be revealed later, maybe chapter three or so. Free you'll learn about in chapter two, and the man in black...

my little secret.   Cool
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TheDutchman
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« Reply #7 on: October 10, 2018, 08:43:03 AM »

GF, great start with your story!  It engaged and drew me in immediately, from the "Man in Black" future prologue to the First-Order mandated gladiatorial games to the nod to established canon ("Dameron")  Smiley

Looking forward to Chapter 2!

BTW, if you'd like to include any of our "Forumverse" just PM the author and I'm sure they'll be more than amiable at the opportunity  Smiley
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Golden Fedora
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« Reply #8 on: October 10, 2018, 10:32:25 AM »

Thanks, Dutchman, and I will.
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Golden Fedora
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The Grey Prophet


« Reply #9 on: October 11, 2018, 07:50:18 AM »

Here is Chapter two. I hope you guys enjoy it!

CHAPTER II
   67 A.B.Y.

Tyr had never been to the Decade Festival before. Before they were killed, his parents didn’t let him go because they said he was too young to attend and they were probably right. 5 year old Tyr would not have survived the excitement. The Festival is a two-month long party full of eating, drinking, and basically everything you expect from a party but on a much larger scale, and it was way more of a party for the Victors. All Victors, past and present, were treated like gods, every single one of them had an army of servants to tend to their every need, and more food and drink than they could ever want. People were all over the Victors asking for advice and other matters that none of them were qualified to speak on.
After six weeks the party still felt like it had barely started, Tyr had more than he ever had before. Back when he was a gladiator he was treated fairly well, he was provided room and board by the club, and all his food was provided by the club also, but what he had now made all that look like nothing, Now he was living like a king, which is a pretty accurate statement since when he killed Rynt he took his rank of Baron which was a rank only a few other victors held.
He looked over at some of the other Victors and noticed there were few his age, only two others that he could see, a girl and a boy, the girl looked about his age the boy a bit younger. He decided to go and talk to them.
      “Hello there.” Tyr said to the boy who was a bit closer to him.
      “Hi.” the boy said coldly.
      “What’s your name?” Tyr asked.
      “Dargus” he said back.
      “Tyr Invictus” Tyr responded
      “Well if we are using our new names I’m Dargus Free.” Dargus said.
      “And I’m Aradyn.” The girl said. “Aradyn Rush now.”
      “I’m Tyr. So what do you guys think of the celebration?” Tyr asked.
      “I enjoy it, I think Free is a little sick from eating so much.” Aradyn said jabbing Free in the ribs
      “Well, what category did you guys compete in?” Tyr said. Free was the one to respond this time
      “I competed in escapism and Rush in the speed contests.” Tyr was very impressed by this. Those were two of the hardest categories to win. Escapism because there are 4 people chained to the ceiling which is slowly lowering an electrified shield and the first person to escape can get the blaster from the center of the arena and kill the other three. And speed because to win you have to be fast enough to avoid six imported Nexu beasts like the ones used in the ancient gladiator pits of Geonosis. Basically, if you can avoid them until all the others die you win.
      “That’s really impressive. Did you guys get any special rank like I did?” Tyr said
      “No, Rynt was the only two time winner in these games.” Rush said
      “I still can’t believe he lost to you.” Free said.
      “You know I only won because he stabbed me in the side and let down his guard. It was easy to stab him when he was gloating.” Tyr admitted
      “Then you don’t deserve his rank at all” Free said walking off.
      “Don’t let him get to you Tyr.” Aradyn said. ”He’s just jealous he didn’t get any special rank.”
      “Did you?” Tyr asked.
      “Not one like yours, I got a decent sized place on the west side of town, but not much of a rank. Dargus got the same” Aradyn said.
      “Tyr!” someone called from the crowd.
      “I gotta go, see you later Aradyn. Tell Dargus I’ll catch him later.” Tyr said walking off. After walking around for a few minutes he found who had called him, It was Jason the medic from before the party.
      “Jason! It’s been a while.” Tyr said with a smile on his face.
      “Yes, yes, can we please go somewhere a bit more private.” Jason said looking around.
      “Sure.” Tyr said, “can I ask why?” stepping into the doorway of a nearby building
      “We are being watched.” Jason answered curtly.
      “Watched? Watched by who?” Tyr asked looking concerned.
      “The New Order, and they’re coming here, looking for me.” Jason said.
      “Why? Did you do something wrong?” Tyr asked.
      “Not as you would see it. They are trying to kill me because I am the last living relative to a resistance member. With my death, all ties to the resistance would be cut and the Order would never face a challenge from the populace again!” Jason was getting upset now
      “Alright, alright, calm down Jason. How do you know they are trying to kill you?” Tyr asked, trying to ease his anxiety.
      “I saw a man watching me earlier today, and I went over to talk to him and he started to run. So I chased him. When I caught up to him he pulled a gun on me and when he fired I dodged out of the way and I pulled my weapon and shot him in the head. When his body hit the ground a small device fell out of his pocket.” Jason said pulling out a small silver rectangle. “This device holds a recording of a man saying to find and kill me and anybody associated with me.”
      “That’s intense.” Tyr said eyes wide.
      “And that’s not the worst part, the recording also says that if they do not hear back by the specified date then the New Order will attack the ceremony and kill everyone here.”
      “What? Why didn’t you say something sooner?” Tyr said getting angry
      “The Order has spies everywhere, including in the games. The only reason I trust you is because I have seen you a lot. Ever since I get here 4 years ago. I knew you were here long before the Order knew that I was here.” Jason explained.
      “When did you realize he Order knew you were here?” Tyr asked.
      “Last year, I saw a group of stormtroopers in the plaza. They were showing a holo of me before I got here asking if anyone had seen me. They searched the entire city for five months looking for me.” Jason said.
      “Well I assume they didn’t find you, I mean you are standing in front of me.” Tyr said failing to put a smile on his face.
      “The only reason I am alive is because they did catch me. About eight months ago the Order broke into my safe house and took me to their Destroyer in orbit. They tortured me for almost 3 months until I was able to escape. When I came back I realized that I had been taken right before a group of Trandoshan marauders had just raided the village looking for me. The bounty on my head was so large, yet the people in my village defended me. Every single one of them is dead now because of me.” Jason said with a grim look on his face. “And don’t try and say it isn’t my fault because it is. If I hadn’t gone there, the Trandoshans never would have went there, and those innocent people would still be alive.”
      “What did you do then?” Tyr asked.
      “I went for revenge. I used most of my money to buy a refurbished Z-95 and went to Trandosha. After a week of searching I found the group responsible for slaughtering the people in my village. I dropped a Electron bomb into the center of their village.”
      “Woah!” Tyr said in horror. Electron bombs were nearly impossible to come by for many reasons, the main being that they are strong enough to crack the crust of a planet. The second being that there is only one place to get one and that is an old factory from the late Imperial era on Sullust. The journey is almost as dangerous as the prize. Due to extreme electromagnetic fields caused by a First Order superweapon, ships can only stay in the air for a minute or so before having their engines completely fried. Then seekers must journey through the catacombs of the planet towards the old factories where they must work their way through a labyrinth of corridors flooded with lava and rusted equipment. And all of this effort is for a prize the size of a hand grenade. But this could never be used as a grenade, Electron bombs cause an atom to lose all of its electrons, causing a chain reaction where the atoms cannot hold together. When the dust clears there is absolutely nothing left of the target, just a large mass of dirt slowly settling to the bottom of a giant crater.
      “I was so consumed by rage that I destroyed tens of thousands of lives in retaliation for the deaths of a hundred” Jason said with a sad look in his eyes.
      “Why did you do it?” Tyr asked.
      “I still don’t know why I got so angry, I just felt a need that they needed to pay and that an electron bomb was the way to do it.” Jason said.
      “But you know what those things can do, why would you ever use one of those?” Tyr asked. An explosion erupted on the other side of the road before Jason could respond.
      “What was that?” Tyr yelled looking around. Another, closer explosion hit the square, pushing Tyr and Jason into the wall of the building.
      “Where are those coming from?” Jason called out, looking around the half destroyed square. As soon as he said this a dark grey ship flew into the square and deposited 20 some stormtroopers into the square.
      “Stormtroopers.” Tyr said in awe. He had never seen the elite soldiers of the order.
      “Stormtroopers.” Jason said, with less awe and more hate. Jason then reached into his coat and pulled out a pistol. Jason flipped a little red switch and watched a bar on the side of the gun slowly light up blue.
      “Do you have another one of those?” Tyr asked trying to see if he did.
      “Use your swords.” Jason said getting up.
      “Use your swords.” Tyr said mockingly drawing his knife and short sword.
      “For Tyalos!” Tyr yelled jumping into the square and cutting off the head of the nearest trooper. Jason stood behind a pillar and shot two of the troopers across the square. By this time the stormtroopers had figured out  what was going on. 3 troopers pulled riot batons, while about five others began to fire at Jason pinning him down.
      “Come on!” Tyr yelled, throwing his dagger into the throat of the closest trooper and dashing to the next one. The remaining two stormtroopers moved apart so that if Tyr attacked one of them, the other would have a clean shot to his back. Tyr began to circle around them, stepping in the direction of the fallen trooper. Once he got close enough he dove for the dagger embedded in the throat of the dead soldier, the stormtroopers rushed at him trying to strike him while he was on the ground, Tyr rolled away and stabbed at the trooper but his sword was deflected by the troopers armor. He was stunned by his and his sword dragged on the ground, the troopers took advantage of this, swinging at his neck. To save himself he let go of his sword and as soon as the first trooper’s strike passed by he rushed in and stabbed underneath the trooper’s breastplate and impaled it in the soldier’s lungs. He then pulled the blade out of the trooper and turned to the final one. The last trooper raised his baton and rushed at Tyr. Tyr spun out of the way and stabbed the trooper in the back of the neck as he ran by.
Tyr looked around the square trying to find Jason. He spotted him on the other side of the square, firing at a squad of six stormtroopers, completely unaware of the three other soldiers coming up behind him, blasters leveled at his head.
      “Jason!” Tyr yelled, trying to warn his friend of the soldiers behind him. Jason did the wrong thing in that moment. He turned towards Tyr and his foot slipped on a loose stone causing him to fall to his hands, which exposed his arm to the troopers in front of him. The stormtrooper captain seized the opportunity and fired. Jason screamed in pain as his arm below his elbow was blown off by the high powered rifle.
      “NO!” Tyr screamed, sprinting to his fallen friend. He was still a good thirty feet away when the stormtrooper captain raised his rifle and finished the job with a fiery bolt through Jason’s heart. Tyr roared in anger dashing over and decapitating three of the troopers.He threw his dagger into the throat of another. The remaining five troopers didn’t want to just stand there, so they did the smart thing and started shooting at Tyr. Tyr did a dodging roll towards a large piece of rubble between him and the soldiers. He tried to peek out and see what the troopers were doing. He got a laser less than a foot from his face. He ducked down and noticed the corpses of the stormtroopers at his feet, these gave him an idea, he reached over and picked up one of the troopers rifles. He jumped out from behind the rubble and fired at the troopers, taking three of them down before the other troopers realized what had happened. The remaining three turned and raised their rifles. Tyr emerged from his roll and was confronted with the barrels of three F-22C repeating blasters. He slowly set his rifle down and slowly raised his hands. Two of the three pushed him to the ground, the third reached behind his back and pulled out a pair of binders and fastened Tyr’s hands behind his back. Tyr looked around and, for the first time, noticed the civilians held at gunpoint all around the square. The people were all watching him, they had all seen him fail. They had witnessed the undefeatable be defeated. He had forever lost the respect of everyone here.
      "Take those three and get back to the ship!” a voice said behind him. Two of the troopers grabbed Tyr by the shoulders and directed him towards the dropship about 15 meters away. He looked around and saw that there were two other people being led towards the ship behind him, but they had bags over their heads so he couldn’t tell who they were. When he was about 5 meters away from the dropship he spun and knocked the two troopers to the floor and made a dash towards the shop at the edge of the road. It looked like a random escape to the troopers but he knew that there were weapons in that building. Adais’ place always had extra weapons lying around.
      “Stop or the people will die!” Someone yelled. Tyr slowly stopped and turned to see who had spoken. He saw a tall figure in a crisp black officer’s uniform with a deep blue cape over his right shoulder striding towards him.
      “You wouldn’t kill an entire town to get me,” Tyr called, then much quieter “I don’t matter that much.”
      “Oh but you do matter Tyr, and I am more than willing to kill these people.” the officer said signaling to the troopers holding the people. The stormtroopers raised their blasters and opened fire into the crowd.
      “NO!!” Tyr screamed running towards the falling civilians. He hadn’t even taken two steps before three stormtroopers tackled him and dragged him into the dropship.
      “NO! LET ME GO!!” Tyr yelled. Eventually, the troopers got tired of this.
      “SHUT UP KID!!” one of the troopers yelled, proceeding to slam the butt of his rifle into Tyr’s nose. Tyr’s body hit the deck like a stone.


Chapter three should be up sometime next week.
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TheDutchman
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« Reply #10 on: October 11, 2018, 03:09:32 PM »

Great action GF!  Poor Jason; I really feel for the guy.  Not just for his death at the hands of the stormtroopers but also the despair and regret that his decision resulted in the deaths of countless thousands.  Still, a VERY good Aesop: what is the cost of revenge and do you want to pay it?  Excellent pathos.  Speaking of...

Memorable scene where Tyr is forced to capitulate, the collective deaths of the gathered crowd first being threatened and then carried out.  That First Order officer is definitely one evil...guy. 

I also like the introduction of Rush and Free (or is it re-introduction in Free's case?).  Vibrant characters, good pacing, tight action.  Well written!

Here's to Chapter 3!
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Sig courtesy of DarthScrub

Maenowan Nexu Master of the Vhal'Dan

My sabers:Zearic's Aldrnari, Archon v3 (modded w/ activation box) w/Obsidian, AS; Zearic's shoto, Initiate v5 w/Obsidian, AS; Graflex SE w/Obsidian, GB; Archon v3 (modded w/ activation box) w/Obsidian, CG; Dark Sentinel v4 w/Obsidian, BR; Sentinel LE v4 w/Obsidian, GB; Apprentice v4 w/Obsidian, AS; Sentinel LE v4 stunt, EG; Aeon LE v4 stunt, FO; Dominix v4 stunt, BR; Aeon v3 stunt, SY

Lord_S_Gray
Knight Commander
*

Force Alignment: 164
Posts: 1104



« Reply #11 on: October 12, 2018, 05:18:20 AM »

Great action GF!  Poor Jason; I really feel for the guy.  Not just for his death at the hands of the stormtroopers but also the despair and regret that his decision resulted in the deaths of countless thousands.  Still, a VERY good Aesop: what is the cost of revenge and do you want to pay it?  Excellent pathos.  Speaking of...

Memorable scene where Tyr is forced to capitulate, the collective deaths of the gathered crowd first being threatened and then carried out.  That First Order officer is definitely one evil...guy. 

I also like the introduction of Rush and Free (or is it re-introduction in Free's case?).  Vibrant characters, good pacing, tight action.  Well written!

Here's to Chapter 3!

Agreed, but what also interests me is the society of Tyalos - the way people are named Rush, Free, Invictus based on these Hunger Games like death matches...thats something very unique i don't think I've seen in a Star Wars context before - the survival of the fittest concept implicit in it is something i can see the First Order being very interested in exploiting - the perfect place to recruit from...
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Lord_S_Gray

Surik: "Kreia, what are you—are you a Jedi, a Sith?"
Kreia: "Does it matter? Of course it does, such titles allow you to break the galaxy into light and dark, categorize it. Perhaps I am neither, and I hold both as what they are, pieces of a whole."

Golden Fedora
Knight Commander
*

Force Alignment: 547
Posts: 1552


The Grey Prophet


« Reply #12 on: October 12, 2018, 05:27:52 AM »

Great action GF!  Poor Jason; I really feel for the guy.  Not just for his death at the hands of the stormtroopers but also the despair and regret that his decision resulted in the deaths of countless thousands.  Still, a VERY good Aesop: what is the cost of revenge and do you want to pay it?  Excellent pathos.  Speaking of...

Memorable scene where Tyr is forced to capitulate, the collective deaths of the gathered crowd first being threatened and then carried out.  That First Order officer is definitely one evil...guy. 

I also like the introduction of Rush and Free (or is it re-introduction in Free's case?).  Vibrant characters, good pacing, tight action.  Well written!

Here's to Chapter 3!

Agreed, but what also interests me is the society of Tyalos - the way people are named Rush, Free, Invictus based on these Hunger Games like death matches...thats something very unique i don't think I've seen in a Star Wars context before - the survival of the fittest concept implicit in it is something i can see the First Order being very interested in exploiting - the perfect place to recruit from...


Thanks, guys! When I first started writing, I mainly did action scenes only because I didn't know how "normal" people should act, but after reading what some people have posted here (Karmack's We Are Gray/Hide and Seek, and the first part of the Aether series, well that really helped me to realize some of the things I was doing wrong when I tried to write non-action scenes. (my main problem was trying to make them more "action-scene" like) and I am very glad you all enjoy it, I started work on Chapter 3 yesterday, and I kind of have it planned out where I want it to go. Until the next installment friends!
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"Easy is the path to wisdom for those only not blinded by themselves."

-Broadside

TheDutchman
Knight Commander
*

Force Alignment: 779
Posts: 3136


Avatar courtesy of For Tyeth


« Reply #13 on: October 12, 2018, 08:46:33 AM »


Thanks, guys! When I first started writing, I mainly did action scenes only because I didn't know how "normal" people should act, but after reading what some people have posted here (Karmack's We Are Gray/Hide and Seek, and the first part of the Aether series, well that really helped me to realize some of the things I was doing wrong when I tried to write non-action scenes. (my main problem was trying to make them more "action-scene" like) and I am very glad you all enjoy it, I started work on Chapter 3 yesterday, and I kind of have it planned out where I want it to go. Until the next installment friends!
Honestly, you chose two outstanding authors to research  Wink
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Sig courtesy of DarthScrub

Maenowan Nexu Master of the Vhal'Dan

My sabers:Zearic's Aldrnari, Archon v3 (modded w/ activation box) w/Obsidian, AS; Zearic's shoto, Initiate v5 w/Obsidian, AS; Graflex SE w/Obsidian, GB; Archon v3 (modded w/ activation box) w/Obsidian, CG; Dark Sentinel v4 w/Obsidian, BR; Sentinel LE v4 w/Obsidian, GB; Apprentice v4 w/Obsidian, AS; Sentinel LE v4 stunt, EG; Aeon LE v4 stunt, FO; Dominix v4 stunt, BR; Aeon v3 stunt, SY

Lord_S_Gray
Knight Commander
*

Force Alignment: 164
Posts: 1104



« Reply #14 on: October 12, 2018, 01:41:51 PM »


Thanks, guys! When I first started writing, I mainly did action scenes only because I didn't know how "normal" people should act, but after reading what some people have posted here (Karmack's We Are Gray/Hide and Seek, and the first part of the Aether series, well that really helped me to realize some of the things I was doing wrong when I tried to write non-action scenes. (my main problem was trying to make them more "action-scene" like) and I am very glad you all enjoy it, I started work on Chapter 3 yesterday, and I kind of have it planned out where I want it to go. Until the next installment friends!

What I found was the more I read and write the easier that became and overtime you'll firm up your style more and find what works for you - e.g. comparing We are Gray to say Wind Chimes you'll see his style improve but still keep the key things that make it his own (solid blend of action and character very easy to read and in depth song of the force exploration). Keep it up the more you write the better you'll get and keep trying to push what you think you can do! And thanks for reading our first forays love to hear what you think, feedback is really what drives us all!
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Lord_S_Gray

Surik: "Kreia, what are you—are you a Jedi, a Sith?"
Kreia: "Does it matter? Of course it does, such titles allow you to break the galaxy into light and dark, categorize it. Perhaps I am neither, and I hold both as what they are, pieces of a whole."

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