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Author Topic: Invictus  (Read 2472 times)
Taegin Roan
Knight Commander
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Force Alignment: 1833
Posts: 6078


Lord of the Force


« Reply #15 on: October 12, 2018, 05:59:23 PM »

Wow, I'm impressed GF. A solid beginning to a series that seems like it could be extremely good. Like LSG mentioned, I get quite a bit of Hunger Games vibes from this (which is cool), but I really hope that that is not your sole inspiration for this story. I do like the premise that the FO actually won the war, and I really liked Jason (the operative word being "liked"). Hope to see you continue this journey. You will be sure to improve as a writer as you go on. How do I know? Because I did as well. While I am not nearly as good of a writer as Karm, TD, LSG or TDC even, I can tell that my own writing has improved. One of the easiest ways to see that is in the fact that when I first started writing SotO, I had trouble even finding enough stuff to fill 2-3 pages. Now I rarely have less than 5 per chapter. Like I said, excited to see where you take us.

Point to you
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"I am the Outcast's Shadow" - Taegin Roan
"We are the spark that will light the fire that will burn the first order down." - Poe Dameron

Avatar by DarthScrub

Golden Fedora
Knight Commander
*

Force Alignment: 547
Posts: 1552


The Grey Prophet


« Reply #16 on: October 13, 2018, 08:48:38 AM »

Thank you so much everyone, you guys cannot even comprehend how much I appreciate this feedback, and this is only inspiring me to write more!

@TR and LSG
      funny thing is, when I started writing this, Hunger Games didn't even cross my mind as inspiration, it just sort of happened this way. my main inspiration was more along the lines of that old series that was kind of like the biographies of main characters, (Luke, Obi-Wan, MAUL(my personal favorite) and Anakin) I looked at the way that these books were written and tried to add some of these elements into the story.The main being Maul's childhood with him being alone and him being forced to fight to survive(Tyr lost his parents years ago and was forced to become a gladiator) and then from Luke's story where he meets new people then they---

Nevermind, I think I'll hold that little piece back for now...

@TD
      I know! I loved Karm's interpretation of the force as a song, I had never heard of that being done before, and LSG adding in a world that once had space travel but then was put back to a "Medieval-like" era was incredible.
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"Easy is the path to wisdom for those only not blinded by themselves."

-Broadside

Golden Fedora
Knight Commander
*

Force Alignment: 547
Posts: 1552


The Grey Prophet


« Reply #17 on: October 23, 2018, 11:21:12 AM »

It's a bit late, but here's chapter 3


CHAPTER III
   68 A.B.Y.

     “AAAAAAAARGH!!!!” Tyr screamed as he was brutally shocked for the fifteenth time this hour.
     “What do you want!!” Tyr screamed at his captors. The man at the console in front of him turned his black helmeted head to look at Tyr, and still looking at Tyr, pushed on a lever at his console.
     “GAAAAAHH!!” Tyr cried as the guard electrocuted him again. Then a man walked into the chamber and said;
     “That is enough for now.”  in a deep voice. Tyr looked up and saw the same officer from the square all that time ago. The man walked forward with loud steps, his deep blue cape billowing out behind him.
     “What. Do you. Want?” Tyr said, completely out of breath.
     “Do you know how long you have been here?” The man said, ignoring Tyr.
     “How long?” Tyr asked, wanting to know the true reason for this mans visit.
     “It has been exactly one year since the battle during the Decade Festival, the people of Tyalos have been almost completely destroyed, with the last pockets being hunted down as we speak.”
     “That’s impossible. Tyalos cannot fall.” Tyr said confidently.
     “Do you really believe that? You’re people are armed with light hand weapons whereas my soldiers are armed with the highest grade modern blasters and artillery.” the Man said.
     “It doesn’t matter, Tyalos has never been defeated and it never will!” Tyr said with conviction.
     “Oh, but it has, all of the major cities have fallen, and the last bits of the population are being hunted down in the Northern Mountains as we speak. But they can be saved.” the officer said with a smile.
      “How?” Tyr asked.
      “Serve the New Order, we already have three others from Tyalos who will serve under us, you are the only one who has not pledged his allegiance.” the officer said.
      “Why would I ever serve the Order? You killed my people!” Tyr started to get upset.
      “Because if you serve, then the people of Tyalos will be saved! They will be allowed to rebuild and prosper under the protection of the New Order!” The officer said with a surprising amount of emotion in his voice.
      “Why me? Why not any of the other people of Tyalos?” Tyr asked.
      “Because you are Invictus! You are a symbol to Tyalos, but the Order can make you a symbol to the entire galaxy!” The officer said, raising a clenched fist.
      “Alright, but I need to see my people. I want to know that they are safe.” Tyr said.
      “Your request will be met easily enough, but first, you should meet the three others you will be serving us with.” the Officer said nodding towards the guard at the console. The guard pressed a button and Tyr fell to the ground in a heap.
      “Stand up.” The officer said. Tyr slowly rose to his feet, hands and arms shaking
      “When do I start?” Tyr said with a golden-yellow glint in his eyes.
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"Easy is the path to wisdom for those only not blinded by themselves."

-Broadside

Lord_S_Gray
Knight Commander
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Force Alignment: 164
Posts: 1104



« Reply #18 on: October 23, 2018, 08:10:11 PM »

Oh yeah you can totally trust this office who just tortured you for a year to keep his word...
What has the First Order become in this New Order...the glimpse so far are beyond disturbing, killing planet to get a few recruits - survival of the fittest taken to extremes...I hope we get a greater glimpse into their 'New Order Culture' through Tyrs' lens.
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Lord_S_Gray

Surik: "Kreia, what are you—are you a Jedi, a Sith?"
Kreia: "Does it matter? Of course it does, such titles allow you to break the galaxy into light and dark, categorize it. Perhaps I am neither, and I hold both as what they are, pieces of a whole."

Golden Fedora
Knight Commander
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Force Alignment: 547
Posts: 1552


The Grey Prophet


« Reply #19 on: October 24, 2018, 07:14:34 AM »

Oh yeah you can totally trust this office who just tortured you for a year to keep his word...
What has the First Order become in this New Order...the glimpse so far are beyond disturbing, killing planet to get a few recruits - survival of the fittest taken to extremes...I hope we get a greater glimpse into their 'New Order Culture' through Tyrs' lens.

oh, you will... 
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"Easy is the path to wisdom for those only not blinded by themselves."

-Broadside

Karmack
Forumverse Loremaster
Master of Ceremonies
Knight Commander
************

Force Alignment: 912
Posts: 4401


Light side points please.


« Reply #20 on: October 24, 2018, 07:49:24 AM »

Ditto to what LSG said.    Much of what we've seen of the First Order in the new movie series is buffoonish.  They come across like Ferengi - they're very hard to take seriously because they don't really ... menace.  They're STUPID, dumb-on-purpose, and read more like a WWII propaganda film Nazis than real threats.

This...  This is much darker, more purely evil.  This is how I think we were supposed to see the First Order - utterly uncaring about life, only interested in one thing: Power.  If I have to kill a million people to secure this planet, so be it.  Where's that big red button....

And a golden glint in Tyr's eyes?  Oh, that could be trouble for someone ....
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signature picture by DarthScrub

Master Singer of the Mak'Tor

Golden Fedora
Knight Commander
*

Force Alignment: 547
Posts: 1552


The Grey Prophet


« Reply #21 on: October 24, 2018, 07:54:49 AM »

Ditto to what LSG said.    Much of what we've seen of the First Order in the new movie series is buffoonish.  They come across like Ferengi - they're very hard to take seriously because they don't really ... menace.  They're STUPID, dumb-on-purpose, and read more like a WWII propaganda film Nazis than real threats.

This...  This is much darker, more purely evil.  This is how I think we were supposed to see the First Order - utterly uncaring about life, only interested in one thing: Power.  If I have to kill a million people to secure this planet, so be it.  Where's that big red button....

And a golden glint in Tyr's eyes?  Oh, that could be trouble for someone ....

1: I agree with you, most of what the FO did is just stupid, why send people to the ground with a big gun when you could have used a dreadnought? you weren't taking prisoners anyways. (answer, more cinematic)

2: I was intending for it to be darker, as you said, this is how I imagined the FO should be

3: I cannot divulge anything on that as of yet
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"Easy is the path to wisdom for those only not blinded by themselves."

-Broadside

Taegin Roan
Knight Commander
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Force Alignment: 1833
Posts: 6078


Lord of the Force


« Reply #22 on: October 30, 2018, 09:08:56 PM »

A short chapter can often times do more than a long one, if structured the correct way. And I believe you have succeeded with this chapter here. Very nicely done GF. Looking forward to what you have in store for us.
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"I am the Outcast's Shadow" - Taegin Roan
"We are the spark that will light the fire that will burn the first order down." - Poe Dameron

Avatar by DarthScrub

Golden Fedora
Knight Commander
*

Force Alignment: 547
Posts: 1552


The Grey Prophet


« Reply #23 on: October 31, 2018, 05:37:07 AM »

A short chapter can often times do more than a long one, if structured the correct way. And I believe you have succeeded with this chapter here. Very nicely done GF. Looking forward to what you have in store for us.

Thanks, TR! Can't wait to bring Y'all the next chapter.
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"Easy is the path to wisdom for those only not blinded by themselves."

-Broadside

Golden Fedora
Knight Commander
*

Force Alignment: 547
Posts: 1552


The Grey Prophet


« Reply #24 on: December 03, 2018, 01:50:03 PM »

CHAPTER IV
   68 A.B.Y.

     Tyr was brought through a labyrinth of corridors and passageways to a large hangar with an old Lambda-class shuttle, painted pitch black with the emblem of the New Order on the large dorsal fin.
     “What are we doing here?” Tyr asked the Officer.
     “We will be taking this shuttle to the Star Destroyer Insurrection in orbit where you will be introduced to your teammates.” The Officer said.
     “What’s our mission?” Tyr asked.
     “You’ll learn soon enough.” The Officer said, walking up the shuttles ramp.
     “That’s a lot of help.” Tyr said to himself, walking up the ramp.
     The shuttle lifted off and flew out the open bay door. Tyr looked out the window and saw his home for the first time in a year, the city looked almost exactly how it had looked during the festival. The only major changes were the party decorations had been replaced with New Order banners, and the Arena had been replaced by a large New Order garrison that was painted black and deep red. The shuttle quickly lifted out of visual range of his town and broke through the atmosphere of his home world. About twenty minutes into the flight Tyr stood up and looked out the window and got his first glimpse of his new life.

     Imperial Star Destroyers were created to inspire terror into the hearts of anyone who opposed them. They were monstrous ships at over a kilometer long. Nearly thirty years later, the First Order capitalized on this philosophy with their own Star Destroyers, even more powerful than the Imperial-class Destroyers of Palpatine’s era. The Star Destroyers built by the New Order put those all to shame, the Nova-class Star Destroyer was 10 kilometers long, and required a crew of 300,000 personnel to run efficiently, not including the countless number of Stormtroopers and Command staff aboard. The Insurrection was an impressive sight, even bigger than the Nova’s at 26 kilometers long and 5 kilometers wide, the Insurrection was a pitch black behemoth of almost unreal proportions.
     “Woah.” Tyr said. For his entire life, he was stuck with the mindset that his town was all there really was. He knew of the other areas of Tyalos and of the Galaxy at large, but they never seemed real to him. Now, he was off of his planet and approaching one of the largest ships in the entire Galaxy.
     “That is what most say upon their first glimpse of Insurrection. That ship is the pride of the Order, no ship in the galaxy is as grand and fearsome as the Insurrection.” The Officer said with pride. And he was right, Tyr could think of no ship that could possibly be grander than Insurrection.
     “So when do I meet my team?” Tyr asked. He really hoped he would get an answer this time and not one of the Officer’s normal dodges
    “You will meet them as soon as you are oriented on the Insurrection.” The Officer said matter-of-factly.
     The shuttle was approaching the Insurrection by this time and Tyr was told to return to his seat and strap in. The shuttle approached the Insurrection’s hangar bay, and Tyr was only becoming more and more amazed by the sheer size of the Insurrection. Within 10 minutes the Shuttle had docked and Tyr and the Officer had disembarked into quite possibly the largest room Tyr had ever seen. They were in the Insurrection’s primary docking bay on the underside of the ship. The room was so large it appeared that one of the old Imperial-Class Star destroyers could have fit in the hangar with plenty of room to spare. But he was not given time to marvel, as soon as they were cleared to continue, the Officer led him through a confusing matrix of corridors and passageways until they reached a long corridor with multiple doors on each side, the doors all had names beside them but they were in a language unfamiliar to Tyr.
     “Here is your room” The Officer said stopping at a black doorway that looked just like all the others in the hallway. The door silently slid open to reveal a simple chamber that was barely a step up from his old prison cell on Tyalos. A simple cot along the far wall with a row of 3 drawers next to it. There was a small table by his bed with a single, short cabinet in it. Along with a door on the opposite wall that likely went to the refresher room.
     “It’s not much.” Tyr said.
     “You didn’t have much to begin with.” The Officer said coldly.
     “It’ll be fine.” Tyr said, anxious to be rid of the Officer.
     “You’ll find a change of clothes in the rightmost drawer, and various other items you will need over the next few days in the others.” The Officer said.
     “What do I do now?” Tyr asked.
     “First, you should probably change your clothes. It’s not a wise idea to walk around a New Order Destroyer in prisoner’s garb.” The Officer said
     “Good idea.” Tyr said stepping into the room.
     “You will find a schedule of all your activities loaded into one of the gauntlets in that drawer.” The Officer said.
     “Thanks.” Tyr said, opening the drawer and reaching for the gauntlet.
     “I’ll leave you to your room now. You don’t have any activities for the next hour or so, so you’ll have a bit of time to become acquainted with your equipment.” The Officer said. With that, he did an about-face and walked out of the room and down the hallway. The door then shut behind the Officer. Tyr began to take things out of the drawers and inspect them. The first item was the pair of gauntlets that the Officer had mentioned, they were sturdy black leather, with the left one having a small screen that lit up when Tyr pressed on it. He scrolled around the screen for a few minutes, and eventually finding the controls to bring up his scheduled assignments and the maps to get to them from his quarters. He set the gauntlets aside and pulled out his clothes from the drawer. It was nothing impressive, a tight-fitting black tunic with sleeves down to his forearms, and a pair of black pants that could snap onto the black boots they came with.
     “It looks like someone really likes the color black.” Tyr said to himself, putting the clothes on.  He then turned to the other drawers, in one was a long black cloak with a hood that could conceal his face, and multiple pieces of gear that looked like rappelling equipment, along with a long bladed knife like the one he used to carry on Tyalos. The other had a vest that had what looked like Mandalorian armor attached to it. Tyr liked this and he slipped the vest over his head and looked back into the drawer and saw a small remote that had been hidden under the vest. He pulled it out and did the logical thing in this scenario; he pushed the big red button on top of it. With a near-silent hiss, the small cabinet on the table beside his bed slid open. Cautiously, he approached it and looked inside.
     Inside the cabinet were two metal cylinders with red buttons about two thirds up the shaft. One was about 30 centimeters long, the other about 25. Tyr picked up the longer of the two, and holding it far from his body, he pushed the button.


sorry it took me so long to post this chapter. I've been really busy in my personal life and haven't had much time for writing.
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"Easy is the path to wisdom for those only not blinded by themselves."

-Broadside

Karmack
Forumverse Loremaster
Master of Ceremonies
Knight Commander
************

Force Alignment: 912
Posts: 4401


Light side points please.


« Reply #25 on: December 03, 2018, 02:19:38 PM »

A secret compartment with a pair of sabers?   Nice...   ;-)
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Master Singer of the Mak'Tor

Darth Silenoz
Knight Commander
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Force Alignment: -1285
Posts: 1333


Sith Juggernaut


« Reply #26 on: December 03, 2018, 07:25:48 AM »

I really need to start reading more of the fan fiction.

I didn't even know that you were a writer Golden. Good stuff! Keep it up.
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"I believe it is quite possible to misbehave while still employing good manners." - Darth Logos

"There are too many stupid people, and I do not have enough patience for a whole universe of bozos." - Lady Revan

Lord_S_Gray
Knight Commander
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Force Alignment: 164
Posts: 1104



« Reply #27 on: December 03, 2018, 02:53:37 PM »

A secret compartment with a pair of sabers?   Nice...   ;-)

Secret is not the word I'd use...nothing in that room isn't there deliberately...more like...a motivational tool i think...
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Lord_S_Gray

Surik: "Kreia, what are you—are you a Jedi, a Sith?"
Kreia: "Does it matter? Of course it does, such titles allow you to break the galaxy into light and dark, categorize it. Perhaps I am neither, and I hold both as what they are, pieces of a whole."

Golden Fedora
Knight Commander
*

Force Alignment: 547
Posts: 1552


The Grey Prophet


« Reply #28 on: December 03, 2018, 11:39:31 PM »

A secret compartment with a pair of sabers?   Nice...   ;-)

who said they were sabers?

I really need to start reading more of the fan fiction.

I didn't even know that you were a writer Golden. Good stuff! Keep it up.

yeah, me and Lady Revan and a few others are starting to write a bit more.
Secret is not the word I'd use...nothing in that room isn't there deliberately...more like...a motivational tool i think...

not quite motivational, but the things in that room were all there for a very specific reason...
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"Easy is the path to wisdom for those only not blinded by themselves."

-Broadside

Karmack
Forumverse Loremaster
Master of Ceremonies
Knight Commander
************

Force Alignment: 912
Posts: 4401


Light side points please.


« Reply #29 on: December 04, 2018, 12:04:34 AM »

who said they were sabers?


Tyr pushes the button, holding it away from his body.  For long seconds nothing seems to happen....

<<<  BOOOOM >>>


   *****

"What was that?"

"Probably just out-gassing.  I read a report about it last week."
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Master Singer of the Mak'Tor

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