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Author Topic: Homecoming  (Read 275 times)
JNovaarii
Knight Lance Corporal
*

Force Alignment: 0
Posts: 48



« on: June 22, 2019, 03:36:02 PM »

Ok so here is one of the stories I have been working on.  It is definitely a work in progress and I am sure that the grammar is not the best but here it is.  Enjoy and feel free to offer ideas to make it better



Homecoming:  A Star Wars Story



***Introduction***

Raiiken Strykker was a male Fi'arii who was taken from his people and culture at a vary young age therefore he had no knowledge of who he really was or where was from.  His parents had left his people's empire due to a falling out with the Fi'arii crown.  Raiiken's mother (Janella as he knew her) was the sister of the then Empress, Jenaara.  Janella fell in love with a member of the Royal Guard and started to have a relationship.  It was of course prohibited for a member of the royal family to engage in such a relationship.  By the time their relationship was discovered they already had a child together.  The High Council of the FI'arii Empire of course demanded that Raiikaaro (Raiiken) and Shaiilaaara (Janella) cease their relationship immediately. When they refused, they were banished forever.  However Empress Jenaara exercised her executive privilege to send a Royal Guardian to protect and look after the child.  She chose one of her Elite Guard, Jeskaaro Nova'arii.  He was to change his name to Jeskan Korvo and pose as a jedi as best he could.  He was also to remain in the shadows so as to not alert the parents of his presence.

The Strykkers fled to and joined the Republic.  Later on becoming SIS agents for the Republic.   The Strykkers ran an upscale night club on Coruscant as a cover.  One night on the way back to their apartment after they had picked up their son they were jumped from behind by a figure in a dark, hooded cloak.  The hooded figure cut the Strykkers down in short order.  Their son who's name was Jorrarr, was protected and hidden in the Force.  Jeskaaro discovered a couple of days later that their attacker was a Zabrak sith by the name of Darth Krossus.  This happened when Jorrarr was 10.  From then on he had intense hatred of sith

When Jorrarr was old enough to make his own decisions, he legally changed his name  to Raiiken to honor his father's memory.  He joined the New Republic military and accelerated rather quickly through the ranks.  He was content being a special forces trooper.  Command held no interest for him.  Before Raiiken's father died, he met Lieutenant Arla Brixton.  They eventually became good friends.  Raiiken made Arla promise him that if anything ever happened to him that she would look after his son.  She did just that.  


Chapter 1


A YT-2400 Corellian light freighter dropped out of hyperspace near the Outer Rim planet of Skaara.  The ship was the personal property of Lieutenant Raiiken Strykker, special forces trooper of the New Republic.  Raiiken’s father had left it to him after his death.  He had never seen the ship before his father’s death.  The little freighter was presented to him as the Sunfist.  It was one of several things his royal guardian, Jeskaaro Nova’arii, had presented to him when he was old enough.  Among the items that were two Royal Guard lightsabers and a portable holoprojector that contained a personal message from his father.  Raiiken remembered activating the little holoprojector for the first time and watching the four-minute message for the first time.  Tears came to his eyes at the sight of seeing the image of his father, someone he hadn’t seen in eight years since his parents’ murder.  The recording starts with an image of his father looking directly into the lens of the recording device as if adjusting something.  His father then turns around and walks toward an overstuffed leather chair, sits down and then starts speaking, looking directly into the lens of the holocamera  “My beloved son Jorrarr, if you are seeing this message then that means I am no longer with you.  I am so proud of the young man that you are becoming and couldn’t be more proud to call you my son.  There are many things that your mother and I should have told you about who we really are and where we are from but didn’t know where to start.  Take care of your mother, you are the man of the house now.  There are a few items that I’d like you to have.   The first is a Yt-2400 Corellian light freighter named the Sunfist, two Fi’arii Elite Royal Guard lightsabers, a few other bits, and this personal holoprojector.  The lightsabers will need some explaining”.  His father shifts uncomfortably in the chair and tilts his head down appearing to look at the floor.  As he lifts his head up he begins to speak again  “Son, there is no easy way for me to say what needs to be said.  First and foremost I would like to say that I am sorry that your mother and I kept certain things from you, but it was for your protection that we did so.  That being said, you deserve to know the truth and here it is.  
 
Upon dropping out of hyperspace, the comm on the small freighter came to life,
“unidentified Republic vessel, this is Fi’arii Space Command,  state your name and purpose for being in our airspace.  Do not make any moves that can be perceived as hostile or you will be shot at immediately.”  
Aboard his ship, Raiiken sat in the pilot’s chair in the cockpit staring at the comm speaker for a split second, chuckling softly to himself.  Being a veteran soldier and member of New Republic Special Forces, the intentional threat was laughable at best but was smart enough not to get confrontational without provocation.  
 Having had a moment to compose himself he responded, “This is Lieutenant Raiiken Strykker of the New Republic military, here as a guest of your Empress, Kandaara Aiello Asha’arii, and who might you be” he asked, referring to the comm operator on the other end of the comm.  
 The other man responded, “That is none of your concern, standby while I verify your credentials.”   Another ship dropped out of hyperspace just an instant after the YT-2400.  The moment it dropped out of hyperspace behind the Corellian freighter, it was instantly recognized as a T-88 Starbird, a heavily modified version of the x-wing.  It had been specially commissioned by Incom for the Fi’arii military.  It looked like an x-wing version of the Arc 170, with the addition of four additional laser cannons.   The Fi’arii design also allowed for the addition of a gunner to operate the main laser cannons and the rear facing laser cannons.  The little starfighter was also instantly recognizable because the identification transponder identified it as the personal vessel of the Suva’arii Knight and member of the Elite Royal Guard, Jeskaaro Nova’arii.  A familiar voice came over the comm speaker at the command center of Fi’arii Space Command,  it was the man in the x-wing.  Jeskaaro didn’t recognize the voice coming from the command center,  but based on prior experience it was likely that the voice behind the comm was likely a low ranking ensign.  
 “Ensign, this Jeskaaro Nova’arii, Suva’arii knight and member of the Elite guard.  Raiiken is with me and is here on the behest of the Empress herself.’  
The ensign on the other end of the comm was clearly rattled  and responded: “but…..”  Jeskaaro cut him off “Are you questioning my authority as a member of the Elite Royal Guard?”  
 “No your excellency,” said the young male with fear in his voice.  
 “I thought not", replied Jeskaaro with a sigh,  …..the ensign continued
 ” just give me a moment to clear both of you for landing at the Empresses personal hangar.”  
 “Thank you, Ensign, we will await your instructions and I will expect to see you at the hangar as I want to have a private conversation with you”.  
 “Stand by,” said the ensign.  The junior man's voice came back over the comm thirty seconds later, “you are cleared to land at the  designated hangar, wait…”  
 Jeskaaro interrupted the comm operator again “I am aware of the landing procedure, we will wait for our fighter escort.”  Just then two of the modified x-wings appeared from the planet’s surface and came up behind the two vessels.  
A voice came over the comms of both ships and the owner of the voice identified himself,  “This is Lieutenant Commander Eshkaaro Shepa’arii of the Fi’arii Royal Space Force, it would be mine and my wingmates honor to escort your excellency and the Empress’s guest to her personal hangar.  We will flank your two ships down to the hangar."   As the two starfighters escorted the ships to the surface, Raiiken couldn’t help admiring the modified x-wings.  They were just like Jeskaaro’s, with the exception that the s foils of these two were completely black with the first having three plum colored diagonal stripes near the tips of the wings and the second had only two,  indicating the ranks of the pilots.  The three diagonal stripes indicated that the rank of lieutenant commander and two stripes indicated that the second pilot was a lieutenant.  As Jeskaaro and Raiiken reached the designated hangar, the two pilots soluted at the two through their cockpit canopies and peeled off back toward where they originated from.  Upon landing, the two ships were immediately surrounded by soldiers in gleaming white and plum armor armed with heavy, sinister looking blaster rifles.  

As the ramp to Raiiken’s ship, the Sunfist, descended, he was surprised to see both sides flanked by armored knights that could only be members of the Royal Guard that formed a long runway.  Their visible weapons consisted of a black and chrome saber pike that they held at their side in the right hand.  Each individual had on almost black, skin-tight greaves and matching tunic.   The greaves and tunic were covered with a mirror finish, plum colored armor plating.  Each guard wore a hooded cloak and armored, almost knee-high boots.  Each knight had a long hilted lightsaber they held in their right hand.  Coming toward them was a female that could only be the empress herself, with a short white and plum gown and a rather ornate looking crown on her head.  She was surrounded by four similarly armored, cloaked figures that could only be described as awe-inspiring.  Each of them had two black and chrome lightsabers hanging at each side of their waist that were identical to the long hilted lightsabers, just shorter so as to be hung at the waist and used more like a sword.  Upon seeing the sabers closer up, he realized they looked just the ones his father had shown him and later given to him by Jeskaaro.
Logged

current saber : Initiate v4 with fire orange blade, soon to have Obsidian v3 sound and av switch installed

wishlist dream saber:  Dark Initiate v5 with gold claws, with most of the black anodizing removed to create a custom look

"I am neither a servant of the light or the dark, but a servant of the balanced will of the Force. and serve the greater good of the galaxy"- Jeskaaro Nova'arii, Suva'arii Knight and Elite Guardian of the Fi'arii Empire

Light or dark points appreciated as warranted, My alignment will remain more or less neutral

Lord_S_Gray
Knight Commander
*

Force Alignment: 164
Posts: 1104



« Reply #1 on: June 23, 2019, 03:24:51 PM »

Nice detailed start and back story. I think the best way to improve is just keep writing to find your own particular style, takes a while but after a bit you get into your own thing more confidently, would also recommend reading other writers see what you connect with, given you have lots of cool details like the T-88 and the Royal guards attire I'd suggest checking out anything on here by theDutchman (Probably Gray and the Unchained http://www.saberforum.com/index.php?topic=37226.0 or Schisms Vhal'Dan Civil War http://www.saberforum.com/index.php?topic=38018.0) even if you just read the prologues and first few chapters you can see how he uses as lot of detail like you had but weaves in the characters point of view a bit more fully, might give you some ideas, but ultimately just keep doing your own thing and experiment till you find what works for you.
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Lord_S_Gray

Surik: "Kreia, what are you—are you a Jedi, a Sith?"
Kreia: "Does it matter? Of course it does, such titles allow you to break the galaxy into light and dark, categorize it. Perhaps I am neither, and I hold both as what they are, pieces of a whole."

JNovaarii
Knight Lance Corporal
*

Force Alignment: 0
Posts: 48



« Reply #2 on: June 23, 2019, 06:40:49 PM »

Thanks for your inpuy Gray
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current saber : Initiate v4 with fire orange blade, soon to have Obsidian v3 sound and av switch installed

wishlist dream saber:  Dark Initiate v5 with gold claws, with most of the black anodizing removed to create a custom look

"I am neither a servant of the light or the dark, but a servant of the balanced will of the Force. and serve the greater good of the galaxy"- Jeskaaro Nova'arii, Suva'arii Knight and Elite Guardian of the Fi'arii Empire

Light or dark points appreciated as warranted, My alignment will remain more or less neutral

Karmack
Forumverse Loremaster
Master of Ceremonies
Knight Commander
************

Force Alignment: 912
Posts: 4401


Light side points please.


« Reply #3 on: June 24, 2019, 08:50:33 AM »

Hey, well begun!   

I will echo LSG: Keep writing!  You just need to find your own flow and go with it.  This is a good beginning, though, and you're on your way.   Whatever you do, though: Don't stop!  Now that you've introduced them, we're all going to want to know what happens to your characters!
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signature picture by DarthScrub

Master Singer of the Mak'Tor

TheDutchman
Knight Commander
*

Force Alignment: 779
Posts: 3136


Avatar courtesy of For Tyeth


« Reply #4 on: June 24, 2019, 10:28:08 AM »

First off: glad to see you here JN!  You've taken a monumental step in the exposition of your invented species to now a full-blown narrative!  Congratulations are in order!

I have to say: well done with your introduction!  You've hooked me with your story format and your character Raiiken Strykker has the beginnings of a good protagonist (also: Jeskaaro Nova’arii as his protector/co-protagonist; I like the deliberate vagueness of him, perfect for a shadow character).  Your history with the Fi'iarii is interesting as well, from the dynastic familial drama to the cultural naming convention(s) of the Fi'iarii (again: great name for a people   Smiley).

I cannot agree with LSG and Karm more: as you continue to write, you'll find your rhythm that not only enriches the narrative but indeed improves systemic storytelling.  As my illustrious fellow authors and friends have already suggested: an excellent way to help you find and strengthen your own "voice" as an author is by reading others; finding out for yourself what you like, what you want to avoid, what will work for you and what doesn't can often be found vicariously through others.  I can tell you that due in NO small part to me reading the stories of Karm, LSG, Teagin Roan, TheDrunkenConsular, Lady Revan, and Golden Fedora that i feel that my own writing has improved.  CERTAINLY it has as a result of the constructive criticism and feedback from those who've commented on my own works.  I was looking back at my first story versus my current, and I am thankful for the responses of everyone who commented  Smiley

There is one instance in particular that I applaud you on: wonderful way to keep us (the reader) in suspense with Raiiken's "truth" where his father's message is interrupted.  I want to know more  Cheesy

JN, good start!  I'm eager for chapter 2  Smiley

Nice detailed start and back story. I think the best way to improve is just keep writing to find your own particular style, takes a while but after a bit you get into your own thing more confidently, would also recommend reading other writers see what you connect with, given you have lots of cool details like the T-88 and the Royal guards attire I'd suggest checking out anything on here by theDutchman (Probably Gray and the Unchained http://www.saberforum.com/index.php?topic=37226.0 or Schisms Vhal'Dan Civil War http://www.saberforum.com/index.php?topic=38018.0) even if you just read the prologues and first few chapters you can see how he uses as lot of detail like you had but weaves in the characters point of view a bit more fully, might give you some ideas, but ultimately just keep doing your own thing and experiment till you find what works for you.

I would like to say that I'm honored that LSG would think so highly of me so as to offer those stories as examples.  But I would be remiss in saying that they were all mine; I believe that those stories are benefitted by the fact that they are in fact collaborations between Karm, LSG, and myself (ESPECIALLY "The Gray&the Unchained").  I KNOW that my writing is improved from the input that they both shared with me  Smiley

To reiterate: you're in GOOD company JN!  And here's to your continued success as a writer!
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Sig courtesy of DarthScrub

Maenowan Nexu Master of the Vhal'Dan

My sabers:Zearic's Aldrnari, Archon v3 (modded w/ activation box) w/Obsidian, AS; Zearic's shoto, Initiate v5 w/Obsidian, AS; Graflex SE w/Obsidian, GB; Archon v3 (modded w/ activation box) w/Obsidian, CG; Dark Sentinel v4 w/Obsidian, BR; Sentinel LE v4 w/Obsidian, GB; Apprentice v4 w/Obsidian, AS; Sentinel LE v4 stunt, EG; Aeon LE v4 stunt, FO; Dominix v4 stunt, BR; Aeon v3 stunt, SY

JNovaarii
Knight Lance Corporal
*

Force Alignment: 0
Posts: 48



« Reply #5 on: June 24, 2019, 01:58:06 PM »

There is more to chapter 1.  Raiiken actually has to meet the Empress who is also his cousin

Sent from my LG-LS777 using Tapatalk
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current saber : Initiate v4 with fire orange blade, soon to have Obsidian v3 sound and av switch installed

wishlist dream saber:  Dark Initiate v5 with gold claws, with most of the black anodizing removed to create a custom look

"I am neither a servant of the light or the dark, but a servant of the balanced will of the Force. and serve the greater good of the galaxy"- Jeskaaro Nova'arii, Suva'arii Knight and Elite Guardian of the Fi'arii Empire

Light or dark points appreciated as warranted, My alignment will remain more or less neutral

JNovaarii
Knight Lance Corporal
*

Force Alignment: 0
Posts: 48



« Reply #6 on: June 24, 2019, 02:02:08 PM »

Thank you guys for the positive comments.      I am truly overwhelmed by your response.  These characters and the creation of the Fi'arii means so much to me.

Sent from my LG-LS777 using Tapatalk
Logged

current saber : Initiate v4 with fire orange blade, soon to have Obsidian v3 sound and av switch installed

wishlist dream saber:  Dark Initiate v5 with gold claws, with most of the black anodizing removed to create a custom look

"I am neither a servant of the light or the dark, but a servant of the balanced will of the Force. and serve the greater good of the galaxy"- Jeskaaro Nova'arii, Suva'arii Knight and Elite Guardian of the Fi'arii Empire

Light or dark points appreciated as warranted, My alignment will remain more or less neutral

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