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Author Topic: New Fanfic idea (Feedback please)  (Read 4263 times)
DarthRegol
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Balance Should be Key over control


« on: April 07, 2020, 12:12:39 PM »

So my friend and I have come up with a story idea:
This takes place during TCW Era
Essentially the main character is Sai'le Wredna who is a human Jedi...one who is more attuned to the dark side naturally, but wants to uphold Jedi traditions.  He is very powerful, almost too powerful so the Council has him lead a squad of...sort of black ops jedi who use unconventional methods of fighting (saberstaffs, tonfasabers, force weilding multiple shoto sabers etc).  Sai'le himself uses a duel wielding style, along with a personalized combo of Ataru and Makashi.  He proves himself enough that he is granted an Padawan: Avani, a twilek girl.  One of his squad, Naroh, develops feelings for Avani, and is pursuit of his feelings he denounces the council and asks Avani to come with him but her loyalty is stronger to her master.  Naroh takes it as well as he can, but humiliated he joins the Sepratists as a Sith assassin.  The council orders Sai'le and his squad to track down Naroh and either kill or capture him. Naroh manages to kill most of the squad until Sai'le has a chance to kill him, but hesitates, allowing Naroh to strike a fatal blow at him, which is intercepted by Avani, taking the blow herself. Drivin by rage, Sai'le taps into the dark side but is wounded and Naroh destroys his sabers, but allows him to live out of sorrow for his murdered love..Sai'le crawls over to his dead padawan, and takes her lightsaber, and in a surge of dark side energy the crystal turns red and Sai'le becomes fully open to his dark side...driven by his new determination for revenge...

Thats part one...we have part two but I want to hear what people think of the plot first and see if I should change some things up.
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Karmack
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« Reply #1 on: April 07, 2020, 12:36:53 PM »

I am intrigued.   My experience has been that the key to any good story is that it be in some way character driven.   This certainly seems to fit the bill, and I for one look forward to reading more!  The exploration of a character that is drawn to the dark side of the force while also being drawn to uphold a more traditionally "good" moral base would be fascinating.   Especially if, as many of our forum members postulate for their own personal avatars, this character finds a way to balance the Sith view of the force with a morality and ethics that are generally taken as "good" by those around him.

This may not be where you're going in the end, but ultimately the character's journey is the point.   :-) 

So lets go on a trip!
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Lord_S_Gray
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« Reply #2 on: April 07, 2020, 03:09:05 PM »

Good overall story board,
some mods I would make are more character progression and just set up e.g.

"He is very powerful, almost too powerful so the Council has him lead a squad of...sort of black ops jedi who use unconventional methods of fighting"

sounds a bit unlikely, if the council is worried about dark side leanings and abilities putting him in charge of black ops Jedi seems the last thing they would do given their conservatism.  Perhaps if he starts off with a dark side leaning not as strong as it becomes later i.e. the council might umm and aah a bit but decide he is no darker than say Master Tholme or Quinlan Vos (EU) and his skills fit.  would also be a better fit for assigning a padawan perhaps with an express goal of having him develop a more empathetic connection to the force (which is distinct from empathetic personality of course)

Then as the war progresses that dark side connection he finds the most useful for achieving his goals as each mission passes, perhaps add in a Council 'handler' whom Sai'le Wredna reports to and their relationship gets progressively worse as the war goes on to add another layer of tension and conflict, perhaps Sai'le begins to find himself 'hamstrung' byt the rules the 'Handler' imposes on him, like he is fighting with one hand tied behind his back, so when chaos erupts within his squad he is already primed and frustrated ready to slip more to the dark.

Anyway just some thoughts, if you ever want to discuss it or get some tips feel free to PM any of us saberfourm fanfic authors, and definietely check out these for some stories with somewhat similar concepts


Storms of Exodus - plenty of high stakes comabt and war scenes - http://www.saberforum.com/index.php?topic=39517.0
Gray and the Unchained - http://www.saberforum.com/index.php?topic=37226.0 - for Avani and Naroh, the characters here Ken and Jorya are also younger Knights finding their place as well as black ops type missions. http://www.saberforum.com/index.php?topic=37226.0
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Lord_S_Gray

Surik: "Kreia, what are you—are you a Jedi, a Sith?"
Kreia: "Does it matter? Of course it does, such titles allow you to break the galaxy into light and dark, categorize it. Perhaps I am neither, and I hold both as what they are, pieces of a whole."

DarthRegol
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Force Alignment: -8
Posts: 77


Balance Should be Key over control


« Reply #3 on: April 07, 2020, 05:02:27 PM »

Good overall story board,
some mods I would make are more character progression and just set up e.g.

"He is very powerful, almost too powerful so the Council has him lead a squad of...sort of black ops jedi who use unconventional methods of fighting"

sounds a bit unlikely, if the council is worried about dark side leanings and abilities putting him in charge of black ops Jedi seems the last thing they would do given their conservatism.  Perhaps if he starts off with a dark side leaning not as strong as it becomes later i.e. the council might umm and aah a bit but decide he is no darker than say Master Tholme or Quinlan Vos (EU) and his skills fit.  would also be a better fit for assigning a padawan perhaps with an express goal of having him develop a more empathetic connection to the force (which is distinct from empathetic personality of course)

Then as the war progresses that dark side connection he finds the most useful for achieving his goals as each mission passes, perhaps add in a Council 'handler' whom Sai'le Wredna reports to and their relationship gets progressively worse as the war goes on to add another layer of tension and conflict, perhaps Sai'le begins to find himself 'hamstrung' byt the rules the 'Handler' imposes on him, like he is fighting with one hand tied behind his back, so when chaos erupts within his squad he is already primed and frustrated ready to slip more to the dark.

Anyway just some thoughts, if you ever want to discuss it or get some tips feel free to PM any of us saberfourm fanfic authors, and definietely check out these for some stories with somewhat similar concepts


Storms of Exodus - plenty of high stakes comabt and war scenes - http://www.saberforum.com/index.php?topic=39517.0
Gray and the Unchained - http://www.saberforum.com/index.php?topic=37226.0 - for Avani and Naroh, the characters here Ken and Jorya are also younger Knights finding their place as well as black ops type missions. http://www.saberforum.com/index.php?topic=37226.0
Definitely! I think you brought up some great points there, perhaps rather than in charge that "black ops" is more of a way for the jedi to keep all there assets but potential threats in one place under watch by a master or two?
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"Two there should be. No more, no less. One to embody power, the other to crave it" -Darth Bane

DarthRegol
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Balance Should be Key over control


« Reply #4 on: April 07, 2020, 05:31:32 PM »

So now that some have responded...the original idea for part two was that Sai'le would be captured by Sidious and seeing Sai'le's rage and power, Sidious would offer to train him personally in the dark side under the promise that Sai'le would no longer serve the Jedi order but instead the Sith as Darth Regol, which, in his current state, Sai'le accepts without hesitation.  Sidious trains him and Darth Regol quickly becomes a master of using the dark side excelling to red lightning (im gonna have to find some filler here but not necessary at this time) and then as a test, Sidious has him track down Naroh who has deserted the Separatists and kill him. Stronger than ever before and with new powers, Darth Regol defeats Naroh and is about to take his life, but once again hesitates, the Jedi way of mercy that was ingrained into him since he could remember resurfacing once again.  In his pity, he strikes out at Naroh with lightning, but leaves him alive.  Upon returning to Sidious, he admits his weakness, but Sidious brushes it off and says that his new task is to journey to Mustafar and kill the Separatists (bear with me I'm not plagiarizing).  When Darth Regol arrives, the Separatists are already dead, and Anakin standing over their bodies.  Neither know what to do, as both sense the dark side in the other.  Then Sidious appears in a hologram telling Anakin that his final test is to kill Darth Regol, proving him stronger in the force and the dark side.  Though Darth Regol realizes that this was all Sidious wanted out of him, he is determined to prove him wrong, and at least put up vicious fight.  In the end the inevitable happens and Anakin strikes him down, and leaves him to die, calling him a more worthy opponent than the entire Order.  The last thing Darth Regol sees before losing consciousness is Anakin walking out of the fortress.

This is part 2 of three! Yes there is a third part!
Also this is just concept, I realize that much of this seems cliche but Feedback please!! 
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"Two there should be. No more, no less. One to embody power, the other to crave it" -Darth Bane

DarthRegol
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Force Alignment: -8
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Balance Should be Key over control


« Reply #5 on: April 07, 2020, 05:34:26 PM »

I am intrigued.   My experience has been that the key to any good story is that it be in some way character driven.   This certainly seems to fit the bill, and I for one look forward to reading more!  The exploration of a character that is drawn to the dark side of the force while also being drawn to uphold a more traditionally "good" moral base would be fascinating.   Especially if, as many of our forum members postulate for their own personal avatars, this character finds a way to balance the Sith view of the force with a morality and ethics that are generally taken as "good" by those around him.

This may not be where you're going in the end, but ultimately the character's journey is the point.   :-) 

So lets go on a trip!
Thank you! Oddly the way I wanted him to go changed so many times, Naroh's path was originally what Sai'le's is and vice versa...I hope you enjoy the part two plot!
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"Two there should be. No more, no less. One to embody power, the other to crave it" -Darth Bane

Lord_S_Gray
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« Reply #6 on: April 07, 2020, 05:46:01 PM »

Definitely! I think you brought up some great points there, perhaps rather than in charge that "black ops" is more of a way for the jedi to keep all there assets but potential threats in one place under watch by a master or two?

Perhaps with  more sinister intent, all these 'dark leaning' Jedi that want to fight but are unsuitable for working with clones placed together for dangerous missions with a mentality that even if they get killed it rids the council of a problem...like a suicide squad...cold but I can see it being more probable as a way to make use of the fringe Jedi as the war heats up. As they come to realsie this it would certainly make them more willing to turn.....

So now that some have responded...the original idea for part two was that Sai'le would be captured by Sidious and seeing Sai'le's rage and power, Sidious would offer to train him personally in the dark side under the promise that Sai'le would no longer serve the Jedi order but instead the Sith as Darth Regol, which, in his current state, Sai'le accepts without hesitation.  Sidious trains him and Darth Regol quickly becomes a master of using the dark side excelling to red lightning (im gonna have to find some filler here but not necessary at this time) and then as a test, Sidious has him track down Naroh who has deserted the Separatists and kill him. Stronger than ever before and with new powers, Darth Regol defeats Naroh and is about to take his life, but once again hesitates, the Jedi way of mercy that was ingrained into him since he could remember resurfacing once again.  In his pity, he strikes out at Naroh with lightning, but leaves him alive.  Upon returning to Sidious, he admits his weakness, but Sidious brushes it off and says that his new task is to journey to Mustafar and kill the Separatists (bear with me I'm not plagiarizing).  When Darth Regol arrives, the Separatists are already dead, and Anakin standing over their bodies.  Neither know what to do, as both sense the dark side in the other.  Then Sidious appears in a hologram telling Anakin that his final test is to kill Darth Regol, proving him stronger in the force and the dark side.  Though Darth Regol realizes that this was all Sidious wanted out of him, he is determined to prove him wrong, and at least put up vicious fight.  In the end the inevitable happens and Anakin strikes him down, and leaves him to die, calling him a more worthy opponent than the entire Order.  The last thing Darth Regol sees before losing consciousness is Anakin walking out of the fortress.

This is part 2 of three! Yes there is a third part!
Also this is just concept, I realize that much of this seems cliche but Feedback please!! 

Yeah I personally wouldn't go there, messes too much with Canon. Dooku however is well known for recruiting jaded Jedi Quinlan Vos and Sora Bulq, notable from the Dark Horse Clone Wars Comics, maybe look into Dooku and Sora Bulq on wookiepedia.

I think you can get some solid cannon connection there and you have more freedom with what you do with the characters than Sidious.  In the stories I've done I've alluded to some canon characters but never featured them prominently for that reason (e.g. only appearance of Palpatine is in a vague force vision across 600 years).

Plus you want this to be your story and your event's trying to tie it into canon events limits what you can do and makes it feel forced, the galaxy is a big place, the Clone are occurred over thousands of systems explore that, lots more freedom to do what you want.

Just my opinion of course.

 
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Lord_S_Gray

Surik: "Kreia, what are you—are you a Jedi, a Sith?"
Kreia: "Does it matter? Of course it does, such titles allow you to break the galaxy into light and dark, categorize it. Perhaps I am neither, and I hold both as what they are, pieces of a whole."

DarthRegol
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Balance Should be Key over control


« Reply #7 on: April 07, 2020, 05:53:51 PM »

Perhaps with  more sinister intent, all these 'dark leaning' Jedi that want to fight but are unsuitable for working with clones placed together for dangerous missions with a mentality that even if they get killed it rids the council of a problem...like a suicide squad...cold but I can see it being more probable as a way to make use of the fringe Jedi as the war heats up. As they come to realsie this it would certainly make them more willing to turn.....

Yeah I personally wouldn't go there, messes too much with Canon. Dooku however is well known for recruiting jaded Jedi Quinlan Vos and Sora Bulq, notable from the Dark Horse Clone Wars Comics, maybe look into Dooku and Sora Bulq on wookiepedia.

I think you can get some solid cannon connection there and you have more freedom with what you do with the characters than Sidious.  In the stories I've done I've alluded to some canon characters but never featured them prominently for that reason (e.g. only appearance of Palpatine is in a vague force vision across 600 years).

Plus you want this to be your story and your event's trying to tie it into canon events limits what you can do and makes it feel forced, the galaxy is a big place, the Clone are occurred over thousands of systems explore that, lots more freedom to do what you want.

Just my opinion of course.

 
Totally understand. Of course this was the original idea, its changing every five min.  I did consider Dooku as a master at first but it seemed over used...
I understand the messing with canon problem, which is why I tried to mirror it with canon so there weren't any major holes, but I'm still playing around with it. I could nix Sidious and have it be Dooku, but then Dooku dies and Darth Regol is still there, so I don't know where to go then.  I also really want him to fight Anakin and lose showing even more the pure strength of Darth Vader.  But this is why I put it on the forum! All crit is appreciated and welcome!
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DarthRegol
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Balance Should be Key over control


« Reply #8 on: April 07, 2020, 05:58:18 PM »

But I just had a thought...It's possible that maybe Sidious simply leads him to a Sith Holocron (maybe Bane or Revan or Nhilus) and leaves him to his own devices, and...hmmmm...something something something...he doesnt train him himself, rather presents the opportunity for the new Darth Regol to learn on his own, and Darth Regol's natural power with the dark side is a perfect receptical to the teachings of the past Sith, and thats when he tracks down Naroh and then so on.  Maybe he travels to the temple rather hoping for redemption but then finds it under siege and thats when he fights Anakin and therefore he can be lost in the crowd after being cut down.

Then part three.
How's that for an edit?
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Lord_S_Gray
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« Reply #9 on: April 07, 2020, 06:05:29 PM »

Totally understand. Of course this was the original idea, its changing every five min.  I did consider Dooku as a master at first but it seemed over used...
I understand the messing with canon problem, which is why I tried to mirror it with canon so there weren't any major holes, but I'm still playing around with it. I could nix Sidious and have it be Dooku, but then Dooku dies and Darth Regol is still there, so I don't know where to go then.  I also really want him to fight Anakin and lose showing even more the pure strength of Darth Vader.  But this is why I put it on the forum! All crit is appreciated and welcome!

I think, thematically, a better way is for if it is Dooku, him to be a bit, 'hands off' offering only the very occasional scene, that way your character develops on his own more. If I was doing it I would do it this way....
here the Handler is whichever Jedi is overseeing the balck ops/sucicide squad whatever taks force of bad eggs.
-After Part 1 Sai'le is blamed personally for the events with Avani and Naroh by the Handler and demoted
- Becomes frustrated darker and darker and evenutally absconds to seek out Naroh
- Naroh meanwhile has joined up with the Sepratists, Dooku using him possibly under Bulq or similar
- Sai'le tracks down Naroh through the war, confronts him with with Dooku present, Dooku doesn't interfere, Naroh asks for help, by definition this makes him appear weak, Sai'le wins Dooku makes offer playing on his rejection etc. saying he can become so much more etc. etc.
- Gets deeper and deeper into darkside etc.
A more fitting finale is rather than Anakin (yet) now self proclaimed Darth Regol fights his former handler who chides him to see what he has become, how he knew he was rotten from the start etc.

I'd have Regol versus Vader later on, perhaps a guilty attempt to right his wrongs by defeating Vader and the Emperor that fails utterly if you're going for a redemption story that is.
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Lord_S_Gray

Surik: "Kreia, what are you—are you a Jedi, a Sith?"
Kreia: "Does it matter? Of course it does, such titles allow you to break the galaxy into light and dark, categorize it. Perhaps I am neither, and I hold both as what they are, pieces of a whole."

Lord_S_Gray
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Force Alignment: 306
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« Reply #10 on: April 07, 2020, 06:07:11 PM »

But I just had a thought...It's possible that maybe Sidious simply leads him to a Sith Holocron (maybe Bane or Revan or Nhilus) and leaves him to his own devices, and...hmmmm...something something something

better idea, but I think just letting him develop darkside power by instinct ie letting go of Jedi dogma is even more interesting, that was it is all within him, much darker tone in my opinion and more powerful character development.
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Lord_S_Gray

Surik: "Kreia, what are you—are you a Jedi, a Sith?"
Kreia: "Does it matter? Of course it does, such titles allow you to break the galaxy into light and dark, categorize it. Perhaps I am neither, and I hold both as what they are, pieces of a whole."

DarthRegol
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Force Alignment: -8
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Balance Should be Key over control


« Reply #11 on: April 07, 2020, 06:10:33 PM »

better idea, but I think just letting him develop darkside power by instinct ie letting go of Jedi dogma is even more interesting, that was it is all within him, much darker tone in my opinion and more powerful character development.
Hmmmm true!  Maybe both! Dooku and a Holocron?
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"Two there should be. No more, no less. One to embody power, the other to crave it" -Darth Bane

DarthRegol
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Balance Should be Key over control


« Reply #12 on: April 07, 2020, 06:11:51 PM »

I think, thematically, a better way is for if it is Dooku, him to be a bit, 'hands off' offering only the very occasional scene, that way your character develops on his own more. If I was doing it I would do it this way....
here the Handler is whichever Jedi is overseeing the balck ops/sucicide squad whatever taks force of bad eggs.
-After Part 1 Sai'le is blamed personally for the events with Avani and Naroh by the Handler and demoted
- Becomes frustrated darker and darker and evenutally absconds to seek out Naroh
- Naroh meanwhile has joined up with the Sepratists, Dooku using him possibly under Bulq or similar
- Sai'le tracks down Naroh through the war, confronts him with with Dooku present, Dooku doesn't interfere, Naroh asks for help, by definition this makes him appear weak, Sai'le wins Dooku makes offer playing on his rejection etc. saying he can become so much more etc. etc.
- Gets deeper and deeper into darkside etc.
A more fitting finale is rather than Anakin (yet) now self proclaimed Darth Regol fights his former handler who chides him to see what he has become, how he knew he was rotten from the start etc.

I'd have Regol versus Vader later on, perhaps a guilty attempt to right his wrongs by defeating Vader and the Emperor that fails utterly if you're going for a redemption story that is.

and I for sure like the fighting his old handler!
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"Two there should be. No more, no less. One to embody power, the other to crave it" -Darth Bane

DarthRegol
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Balance Should be Key over control


« Reply #13 on: April 07, 2020, 06:17:14 PM »

Part 3 og idea was that Naroh saves Sai'le from death, and though they are still at odds, they stick together for survival, and part three is not fleshed out after that. My friend and I had an idea that the pair would come across a force sensitive child many years later and try to become teachers, both wanting to train them a different way. The story is in a concept phase, and other than that, we decided that Vader would eventually track them down, and Sai'le confronts him once more, and this time he loses, and Vader takes his life, but the fight allowed Naroh and the new child to escape
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Taegin Roan
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« Reply #14 on: April 07, 2020, 06:18:47 PM »

I will admit, the premise has me intrigued. I haven't had time to sit down and think about what could make it better though. I'll for sure be keeping abreast of any develoments.

Perhaps with  more sinister intent, all these 'dark leaning' Jedi that want to fight but are unsuitable for working with clones placed together for dangerous missions with a mentality that even if they get killed it rids the council of a problem...like a suicide squad...cold but I can see it being more probable as a way to make use of the fringe Jedi as the war heats up. As they come to realsie this it would certainly make them more willing to turn.....

Along these lines, this "suicide squad" type thing does seem like something the Jedi Counsel could commission. After reading Dark Disciple and seeing the darker sides of some of the characters (Ki-Adi Mundi specifically), it doesn't seem too far fetched. But maybe it could be something where the Republic (i.e. Papa Palps) "requests" a more elite squad from the Jedi to send on more dangerous/covert missions. Then Palps could technically still be influencing Sai'le, but not quite so directly, and he could still run into Dooku, and retrieve "artifacts" before the CIS does.

I don't know if that made sense or not. Roll Eyes
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