Click here for lightsabers
  • Home
  • Help
  • Login
  • Register
Pages: [1]   Go Down
Author Topic: A short story I wrote... tell me what you think?  (Read 1553 times)
TheHobbitofDune
Knight Commander
*

Force Alignment: 473
Posts: 6097


« on: May 04, 2012, 04:53:18 PM »

This isn't Star Wars related. I hope you guys don't mind. I wrote this for my creative writing class back in my junior year of high school. Its not really that good but it contains a pretty original (at least I think it is) concept that I've been hoping to refine and turn into a full-length book, but I never got the chance. Anyway, I got an A on the story, so I figured it isn't that bad. Any constructive criticism would be most appreciated. Thank you and have a wonderful day.

-------------------

She wakes up. "It cant be true, can it?" She thinks, looking around. "No, this can't be... no!" She opens her mouth wide, letting out a gutteral scream. "What does it take to stay dead around here?!" she wonders aloud. The flap in the door opens and a small metal tray is slid through. The tray is stacked high with entrails. Her entrails. The middle of the plate was cleared out and the number eight was written crudely in her own blood. She yells and throws the tray at the wall. Eight... eight times she had been killed so far. Eight time she would wake up in her dark, damp cell. "I will escape," she mutters.
"Mark my words, I will escape."

The next day, she had once again found her opportunity. It had ended in disaster. She finds herself in her cell. This time, however, the Doctor decides to pay a visit.

"Patient 401," he says. "You're quite the fiesty one, aren't you?"

Patient 401 looks down at her straightjacket, wishing she could take her arms and wrap them around the old man's throat. The Doctor is known throughout the St. Michaels Psychiatric Hospital as an evil old man who's goal in life is to "help others". All of the staff view him as such. She growls at him, exposing her teeth in a feral snarl. "My, my," says the Doctor. "Getting a little worked up are we? Ah, I have just the thing." He pulls out a tiny object from his coat pocket, exposing it with a flourish. "Ta-da! Now open wide, sweety!"
he cackles, advancing on Patient 401.

She growls again, backing herself into a wall. Just a hairsbreadth away, the Doctor's face lights up in a maniacal grin. Wisps of shadows seem to peel off from the walls, taunting her with Death's caress. He forces the pill into her mouth, sweat forming on his brow. She spits it back out, the now mushy pill leaving a visible mark on his glasses. Their facial expressions swap sides and she bites down
hard on his neck. The Doctor howls in pain and shoves her back into the wall. Cursing her and promising to make her life a living hell, he slams the door shut behind him. Patient 401 licks the blood from her mouth and chuckles to herself, "I already am living in hell."
At night, she stays awake, letting the voices of her neighbors wash over her in a cacophony of moans. She stares at her herself, her sorrow reflecting back at her from a tray. Her long, once golden hair is a tangled mess, her face is tattooed with scars, and her eyes betray no emotions. She sighs. "My name is Lucy Maxwell," she mutters to herself. "But to them I'm just..." Interrupting her, a lock creeks apart, and her celldoor is swung open. The moans grow louder, Instantaneously. Patient 401 quickly rearranges her face into a mask of indifference just as two guards and the Doctor step into the cell.

"Well, well, well," says the Doctor. "What do we have here? A classic case of Karma comes a-knocking once again!" This bland joke elicits a bout of cackling from the madman, sending his body into spasms. When no one else laughs, he says, "What? Not funny? But it... ah, to hell with it! Guards, take her to interrogation room B!" They advance on Patient 401 and she attempts to bite them and spit at them, growling all the while, but to no avail. They drag her out, with the Doctor following close behind. Her screams quickly become drowned out by the cacophony of moans.
When they reach the interrogation room, the guards lay her atop an operating table in the center of the room. The Doctor wheels over a cart with a dirty tray atop of it. He sets the cart right next to the table. Patient 401 stares wide-eyed at the collection of torture devices. She starts to struggle, but the guards hold her steady. Nobody speaks, and the silence is suffocating. She sweats profusely.

The Doctor hums a merry tune as he picks out a watering can and a piece of cloth. "Oh, Lucy," he chuckles, placing the cloth over her mouth. "Lucy, Lucy, Lucy."

"No!" she screams, thrashing her legs about.

"Oh, yes!" he says, tilting the watering can.

"Mmm! Mm!" she gags as the water splashes into her mouth. The Doctor's cackle's reveberate around the room as he tips the watering can up higher. Soon, she feels light headed as the oxygen is forced out of her body. Her lungs start to collapse as well. Eventually, she dies. Her body ceases it's eratic movements and water intermingles with her previous tears. The Doctor waves the two guards out of the room. Reverting back to his true, serious nature, he reaches into his coat pocket and extracts a tiny device. On a bright LED screen that takes up most of the bizarre machine, the words "Reset: Y/N" stare up at him in digital text. Just as he is about to say "yes", a voice interrupts with a hoarse "no". The Doctor looks up, alarmed. Leaning on the operating table, Patient 401 grins devilishly back at him. "In Asylum I live a lie," she says, simply.

"You're not real," says the Doctor, fear etched in his face.

"Don't play stupid with me," says Patient 401. "None of this is real, is it?"

"W-what do you-"

"Shut up! I'm imagining all of this, aren't I? This is all just some sick, twisted dream, isn't it?"

The Doctor just stares at her a moment, eyes judging how much she knows. Finally, he says, "Alright, I give up. You are currently trapped in an alternate plain of reality. All of this... it's all in your head. I am your brain's answer to a truly nightmarish nemesis. As you can tell, I even have the powers to make you die and come back to life, at will." He holds up the device.

"I want to wake up," she says, arm outstretched. "Give me that device, it's time I break out of this filthy cage."

The Doctor looks uncertainly down at the device. "Are you sure?" he asks. "I gurantee you won't like what you see on the other side."

"I don't care," she says, coldly. "Anything is better than this. Now, hand it over."

He sighs, handing her the device. She looks down at the screen which still reads, "Reset: Y/N". She says, "Yes." Immediately, she falls to the floor, dead.
She wakes up in a cell eerily similar to the one she had occupied previously. Confused, she looks down at her straightjacket. The realization hits her as she lets out a bloodcurdling scream. Even in real life, she lives in an Asylum. Escape is impossible. The door opens and a man in uniform walks in. He arrests her on the spot for the murder of Mr. Crane. The Doctor. It all comes full circle.

Even though she did not realize it, her alternate reality affected more than just her brain. It affected her body as well. Whenever certain events took place in her reality, her body would react accordingly. When she had attacked the Doctor, her body attacked the Doctor as well. This happened in the hospital, where her parents had placed her in hopes of finding a cure to her condition. She had thus been set to St. Michaels Psychiatric Hospital for further treatment. Now, she wakes up, back at square one. The Doctor truly has made her life a living hell.
« Last Edit: May 04, 2012, 04:57:57 PM by MakashiDeviant » Logged

BenPass
Knight of the Consular Order
Knight Commander
*

Force Alignment: 690
Posts: 6031


Jedi Consular


WWW
« Reply #1 on: May 07, 2012, 05:41:45 PM »

Wow, that really is interesting. A bit dark, but that's what you're going for (I assume). Like I said, it is interesting. I don't know if you've come across it or not, but I've been working on a dream world/real world story too. It's a neat concept and certainly one that rings true with people; we all have dreams and it would be horrifying to realize that they were true. Just an idea and feel free to dismiss it, but when speaking of the surgical instruments/torture implements, why not make them sterile and shiny rather than dirty? I don't know about you, but the idea of someone being cold and calculating enough to sterilize the instruments is more frightening to me than a total madman who let's them get caked on with blood and offal. Like I said, just my opinion, and it really is a cool story.
Logged

May the Force be with me? Sure! It can come along!
"Lux triumphat super obscurum" - "Light triumphs over darkness"

TheHobbitofDune
Knight Commander
*

Force Alignment: 473
Posts: 6097


« Reply #2 on: May 07, 2012, 05:54:26 PM »

Wow, that really is interesting. A bit dark, but that's what you're going for (I assume). Like I said, it is interesting. I don't know if you've come across it or not, but I've been working on a dream world/real world story too. It's a neat concept and certainly one that rings true with people; we all have dreams and it would be horrifying to realize that they were true. Just an idea and feel free to dismiss it, but when speaking of the surgical instruments/torture implements, why not make them sterile and shiny rather than dirty? I don't know about you, but the idea of someone being cold and calculating enough to sterilize the instruments is more frightening to me than a total madman who let's them get caked on with blood and offal. Like I said, just my opinion, and it really is a cool story.

Thank you Ben Smiley Yes, that most certainly was what I was going for. I'm only ever good at making dark stories. I usually go for either truly dark and moody, really dark satirical humor, etc. I really like the concept of dream worlds. I would love to read whatever you write, as well. Hmm, thats a good idea. It would be more true to form for the doctor to have him sterilize his instruments rather than leaving them dirty. Thanks for that idea! I appreciate it  Smiley
Logged

BenPass
Knight of the Consular Order
Knight Commander
*

Force Alignment: 690
Posts: 6031


Jedi Consular


WWW
« Reply #3 on: May 07, 2012, 06:03:55 PM »

Thank you Ben Smiley Yes, that most certainly was what I was going for. I'm only ever good at making dark stories. I usually go for either truly dark and moody, really dark satirical humor, etc. I really like the concept of dream worlds. I would love to read whatever you write, as well. Hmm, thats a good idea. It would be more true to form for the doctor to have him sterilize his instruments rather than leaving them dirty. Thanks for that idea! I appreciate it  Smiley


My pleasure Smiley you definitely need to stick with what you're comfortable writing; it'll flow more naturally. I'm glad you liked the idea. If you did want to read what I have posted I'll give you the link. It's a work in progress but I've not felt much like writing lately. I'll continue it later on. I've got three books in the works right now but I haven't finished any of them...just my first. Good luck with the writing!!

http://www.saberforum.com/index.php?topic=5272.0
Logged

May the Force be with me? Sure! It can come along!
"Lux triumphat super obscurum" - "Light triumphs over darkness"

TheHobbitofDune
Knight Commander
*

Force Alignment: 473
Posts: 6097


« Reply #4 on: May 07, 2012, 06:13:24 PM »

My pleasure Smiley you definitely need to stick with what you're comfortable writing; it'll flow more naturally. I'm glad you liked the idea. If you did want to read what I have posted I'll give you the link. It's a work in progress but I've not felt much like writing lately. I'll continue it later on. I've got three books in the works right now but I haven't finished any of them...just my first. Good luck with the writing!!

http://www.saberforum.com/index.php?topic=5272.0


Wow! That was amazing. It truly trumped everything i've ever written, haha. No wonder i've never gotten any responses  Tongue You have a great talent. Definitely would love to read more, but there is of course no rush. Just write it whenever you feel like it. I think that was what really got to me during my old english courses back in high school. The deadlines. Its so much better to work at your own pace. Although if you spend too much time working at your own pace it can make you lazy and not want to write anymore. I guess there needs to be a balance. But enough of my blabbering  Cheesy
Logged

BenPass
Knight of the Consular Order
Knight Commander
*

Force Alignment: 690
Posts: 6031


Jedi Consular


WWW
« Reply #5 on: May 07, 2012, 06:31:57 PM »

Wow! That was amazing. It truly trumped everything i've ever written, haha. No wonder i've never gotten any responses  Tongue You have a great talent. Definitely would love to read more, but there is of course no rush. Just write it whenever you feel like it. I think that was what really got to me during my old english courses back in high school. The deadlines. Its so much better to work at your own pace. Although if you spend too much time working at your own pace it can make you lazy and not want to write anymore. I guess there needs to be a balance. But enough of my blabbering  Cheesy
Why thank'ee Smiley I'm of the opinion though that we always tend to find the flaws in our work while missing those in others. You're right about deadlines too lol
Logged

May the Force be with me? Sure! It can come along!
"Lux triumphat super obscurum" - "Light triumphs over darkness"

TheHobbitofDune
Knight Commander
*

Force Alignment: 473
Posts: 6097


« Reply #6 on: May 07, 2012, 06:38:46 PM »

Why thank'ee Smiley I'm of the opinion though that we always tend to find the flaws in our work while missing those in others. You're right about deadlines too lol

I agree. At the same time its so hard to find anything good about my own work.
Logged

Pages: [1]   Go Up
Send this topic | Print
Jump to: