Tell me what you think and how I can improve.

[Darth Rifter]

These are the first chapter and a half of my Rifter book, and I need some feed back, plus a sneak peek to you all so you know Kerlapon's history.

Prologue: Darth Rifter
   Now you may be asking yourself who Darth Rifter was. Many people before you have. Few people were actually able to get to really know Rifter, and received the privilege to call him a friend. Everyone else was killed. Rifter didn’t want this life to begin with, it was forced upon him, you could say. Several events in the past, before he was born, plus a few in his childhood turned him into the man he is today. Rifter had a tough training, and suffered so much.
Rifter had many attempts on his life, and had many hard choices to make. His actions almost caused the deaths of almost a million people. Normally Sith do not care about meaningless deaths, but that did not sway Rifter from saving them, it was his destiny after all, what he was born to do.
 He went through three masters before he became a full-fledged Sith. His most notable master was the Sith emperor, Darth Yega. Rifter grew and expanded with Yega, and his last master, Darth Cronfios. All in all Rifter’s life was full of struggle and hardships.
Though, to better understand Rifter, one must look back at his home planet’s history, about two hundred years before Rifter’s birth, to the time of The Twins.





Chapter 1: 200 Years Before

A time of expansion and peace, yet nefarious elements in the Sith Empire were poised to strike at the heart of the Republic; a tactic that would launch the entire galaxy into war. The Galaxy was in serious danger of a war, and there was one such system that was about to have a massive war themselves.
   This system was known as the Erlapon system. It contained four planets, Kerlapon, Lerlapon, Gerlapon, and Nerlapon. Out of these four planets, Kerlapon was the only one where people lived. It had a population of about seven hundred thousand people. Out of all those people, five hundred and two were Force sensitive. They had roughly three hundred Sith, and two hundred Jedi. Though, there were two Force sensitive humans that were special. You see, these two boys were brothers, identical twin brothers.
   Their names were Argian and Kortunan. Argian was a powerful Sith Lord, while Kortunan was a Jedi master. Each one had a very special ability.
Argian could absorb one’s Force powers, form it into a sphere of energy, and then thrust it back into their victim’s chest. The energy was so intense, that it burned through their chest, causing them to burn from the inside out, killing them slowly and painfully, such was the way of the Sith.
Kortunan could block one’s Force powers from them, causing them to become helpless, while his allies attack.
Argian and Kortunan where bitter rivals, they always argued. They hated each other so much, just because one served the “wrong” side of the Force. They had fought many times, but where never able to kill one another. Since they were twins, they knew each other’s own moves.
One day the brothers were having a meeting with each other, trying to decide who gets which planet for an academy, since Kerlapon was running out of room for the growing amount of Force users.
“Listen brother,” said Argian, anger running rampant through his voice, “The Sith deserve Nerlapon, it has the best resources for us. Plus, we are stronger, and aren’t hindered by the Great Lie you Jedi live by.”
“Oh Argian, how foolish you sound,” said Kortunan. “We do not live a great lie. We follow the Force as you do, but we actually listen to what it says, instead of assuming it is telling us to kill everything.
“The Jedi are right and just, and as so, we deserve the better planet. We shall have Nerlapon, and you can have Gerlapon.”
“Are you serious? I can’t believe that. Accusing us of living a lie, and then suggesting we take that back water planet. I cannot believe we are related. Since there is no way we will ever agree on this, then there is only one thing to do.” Argian forced his lightsaber to him, activating it while in mid-air. His blade was black with a harsh red glow, the likes one has never seen before. “We will have a great Sith-Jedi war. That will decide who gets what planet. If you disagree, then I will still have all my Sith go out and kill every last Jedi. Either way, we are getting Nerlapon for ourselves.”
Kortunan looked at his brother before him, how far he had fallen into the dark side. “Brother, it saddens me to see you like this,” Kortunan spoke with a tear in his eye. “Do you not remember our childhood, we got along so well, and then you fell into the dark side, and I lost the brother I once loved. Now here you are, with your lightsaber aglow, threatening to kill anyone, just to get a planet. I’m sorry I cannot stand for this, if it is a war you want, it is a war you will get.”
With that Kortunan drew out his saber, black with a yellow glow. They stared into each other’s eyes for what seemed like an eternity. Finally Argian broke the silence.
“The brother you love is gone for good. Now if you will excuse me, I have a battle to prepare for.” With that, Argian sheathed his saber and left the room. Kortunan just sat down and started meditating, preparing for what was about to come.
Over the next few weeks, both sides were preparing for what possibly could be the biggest war yet. On the Jedi side, they were checking all of their ships, making sure that they worked just fine, in case of space combat. They also gave each and every blaster and lightsaber a full examination, making sure they were in perfect working order.
The Sith themselves were preparing as well. Every single Sith warrior was required to fight for the dark side of the Force. Argian made sure everyone was prepared by putting them through rigorous and tough training. Both sides wanted to make sure that they would win the war, and were ready to die for the good of the Galaxy.
A few days before the start of the war the two brothers met again, due to the persistence of Kortunan.
“Listen Argian, I will give you one last chance to end this,” said Kortunan. “Please just stop this foolishness and just quit. Give the Jedi Nerlapon, you can have Gerlapon, it may not be the best, but it is still nice. You can prevent many useless deaths by just coming to your senses and doing what is right for the Galaxy.”
“Ha-ha,” chuckled Argian cruelly. “It is so sad that you would truly believe that I would just give up so easily. I mean we have known each other for all our lives, and I know you have never seen me give up on anything. Remember that instance of Lerlapon, I wouldn’t stop until those silly aliens were dead, and how great it was to see their bodies, cut up into many pieces. Now every species in Outer Rim knows not to trespass on Lerlapon.
“So, no brother, I will not give you Nerlapon, the Force wills me to have it, and I must obey what the Force wills me to do. So, goodbye, I will see you on the battle-fields in southern Kerla district next Tuesday.”
With that Argian left the council room, going off to his fortress to put the finishing touches on his plans for the war. Kortunan left the council room as well, heading for his base, to make sure everyone was ready for what was about to happen.
      
*      *    *
   The day of the war came. Both armies lined up on the battle lines, troopers in front and Force users in the back. The two brothers paced back and forth on the battle line. Both of their lightsabers ignited ready for the coming action.
   Suddenly, both brothers stopped in the exact same spot. They stared into each other’s eyes for what seemed like an eternity. Argian quickly turned around and did a Force jump into a nearby hovercraft. Kortunan did the same thing and sheathed his saber. Both of them nodded, and gave the same signal.
   With that, the war started, and shots were fired. Immediately both sides lost a few men. At the beginning of the war there were a thousand men, five hundred on each side. The brothers flew to a safe distant to watch the battle unfold.
   The battle was not short, and soon the sides disbanded, expanding all over the planet. The war raged rampantly and soon it was having its toll on the planet.
   The war lasted for two years straight. It started off hot, but within a few days, many Jedi and Sith went into hiding. Over these two years Kerlapon suffered much damage. Before the war started it was a fruitful planet. Many great species of plant grew there, and the vegetation was plentiful. There were also many species of animals, most edible.
   Unfortunately, over the course of the war, the animals were all killed, and the soil turned infertile, killing all plant life. The current leader of Kerlapon, Gortank I, was sick and tired of the war and finally put an end to it. He ordered anyone who sees a Jedi or Sith to capture them and turn them over.
   Eventually enough Force users were captured that the war ended. The brothers couldn’t believe that the Jedi and Sith gave up so easily. There were only fifty Jedi and fifty Sith left, hidden in the brother’s bases.
   “Men,” said Argian, “This is ridiculous. How could you allow your brethren to be captured so easily? You know what the emperor did with those men? He executed them. Now we are probably severely outnumbered to the Jedi. Listen lay low; I am going to the emperor and personally will get this matter taken care of.”
   Argian angrily left the base’s meeting room, his eyes blazing red with fury. He hopped on his speeder and headed for the emperor’s palace.
   On his way, Argian suddenly lost all power to his speeder. He quickly found a nearby village, and went to see if they had any power cells. He found one of the villagers outside, destroying the remains of his ravaged garden. He recognized Argian as the commander of the Sith and remembered the big bounty he had on his head.
   “Excuse me,” said Argian, “But could you take me to a vendor of speeder parts? I am afraid mine is out of power and needs a new power cell.”
   “Sure, I sell speeder parts,” said the villager. “Just please follow me into my back room.” Argian gave the villager a nod and followed him into the back room.
   “Alright, now where are the speeder power cells, sir?”
   “I’m sorry, Mr. Sith, but this is where I claim my bounty.” With that the villager quickly pulled out a stun blaster and shot Argian directly in the chest. Argian quickly fell to the ground and his body went limp and he fell unconscious.
   Meanwhile, Kortunan was having problems of his own. He too was having a meeting with his fifty remain Jedi knights.
   “Well boys,” said Kortunan, “We aren’t doing well on the battlefield. I am afraid you are it. Though, what the emperor did was just inhumane. We lost so many good men because of him. I know that many of you are upset and don’t want to fight anymore.
   “I am sure that now my brother will give us Nerlapon, and if not, then I will settle for Gerlapon.” With this statement the crowd started to get unsettled, obviously upset and angry at Kortunan’s decision to give up what they spent two years fighting for.
   “Now, now listen here my Jedi brothers.” Kortunan said reassuringly. “I thought about this long and hard, and to prevent any more unnecessary deaths we have to let the Sith win, this time. I went into this war thinking we would lose only a few men, but now we have lost almost all of them and the terms have changed.
   “Now if you excuse me I am going to stop by the emperor to give him a piece of my mind before I go see my brother about this war.” With all that said Kortunan took a deep breath and left the council room.
   Kortunan quickly mounted his speeder and headed straight for the emperor’s palace, unaware of the trap that was set for him.
   About half an hour later, Kortunan arrived at the place. He was greeted at the gate by the emperor’s guards.
   “Sir please come with us, the emperor would like to have a word with you,” said the armed guard. Kortunan followed wondering what the emperor had to say to him. After a few hundred feet in, the guards turned to him, and did a sweeping leg kick while stunning him, knocking him unconscious as well. The guards dragged the Jedi’s limp body and tossed him into the prison hold, right next to his brother. Before they locked the door, they stripped the Jedi of all his weapons, including his own saber, bound him in rope, and locked the door.
   Kortunan woke up, and allowed his eyes to adjust to his surroundings. He finally was able to observe the dreary prison cell he was in. He also noticed he was bound, so he couldn’t move. Finally Kortunan spotted his brother, tied up as well.
   “Well Argian, I see they got you too, huh?” said Kortunan with a fake smile.
   “Yeah, I got jumped by a villager after stopping for some power cells,” Argian replied reluctantly.   
   “Yeah, well you’re lucky, I walked right into my trap.”
   “Well Kortunan, what do we do now?  We are trapped in here, and most likely will be executed.”
   “The only thing we can do, meditate. I know we will die, but we should try to become one with the force.”
   “You’re right, it was good knowing you brother, and I will see you in the afterlife.” Both brothers slipped into a state of deep meditation. They didn’t even notice it when the guards took them out of the prison cells.
   The brothers finally slipped out of meditation, and took in their surroundings. They noticed they were outside, and there was a huge cheering crowd around them. They looked up from the tables they were tied to and saw the emperor in front of a podium.
   “My fair citizens of Kerlapon, I welcome you. I have captured the two responsible for the destruction of our planet. Now you all get to see what happens when you try to have a war. Also, to prevent this from ever happening again, I am declaring a new law, effective immediately. Any child who is born with Force powers shall have them quickly and permanently severed, as to prevent this from ever happening again.
   “Now, do you two have any last words for us, before we behead you with your own lightsabers?”
   Both Kortunan and Argian spoke their last statement in unison, “You Kerlapon, have made a mistake. To pay for what you are about to do, we set a prophecy in action. One day, there will be another pair of identical twin boys born. Once they are born, one of them has but twenty years to set this planet right, or else, all will be destroyed.”
   Those were the last words the brothers said, for the emperor gave the signal, and the executioners ignited the brother’s respective lightsabers and swiftly cut off their heads. The emperor gave out a cheer as the crowd did the same.
   “Long live Kerlapon, never again shall we have to endure this kind of tragedy,” shouted the emperor, with the crowd chanting in the background.         

[Darth Rifter]

Chapter 2: The Second War


   The emperor’s law went into effect immediately. Luckily, the surviving Jedi and Sith were able to flee from the planet before they could be captured. The Jedi ended up taking Nerlapon, and the Sith got Gerlapon.
   Over the following years each side built an academy and trained anyone that they could save from being severed from the Force. Though the amount of Jedi and Sith never reached more than a hundred, just to be safe. No one wanted another instance to happen again.
   Almost two hundred years went past with this law in effect, and no wars ever broke out. The current emperor didn’t even know anything about the hidden academies on the nearby planets. The only planet they ever went to was Lerlapon. It was the only planet with vegetation and edible animals. The citizens of Kerlapon would take an hour’s trip to Lerlapon, get enough food for a while, and head back.
   Life wasn’t as easy for the Kerlaponians as it was before the war. In fact, it was much harder. The war had done something really weird to the atmosphere. It was different than anywhere else, and if the citizens went anywhere else, even to Lerlapon, they had to wear a respirator. The war had somehow changed the oxygen type on Kerlapon. Other than that, there were no major complaints.
   After a while the Jedi and the Sith were staring to get on each other’s nerves. They had been bothering each other and trying to kill each other. It seemed that they could only keep a truce for about two hundred years. They had a major feud and started yet another war, though this one was considerably smaller.
   The Sith created their own council that consisted of six men. The two leaders were Torgukan and Platonus. Torgukan handled the academy, making sure that the students, which totaled about a hundred, were well trained. He usually was in charge of planning the council meetings.
The current army leader of the Sith was named Darth Platonus. He was a powerful Sith, and was a great tactics leader. He spent months planning the invasions, and had many talks with his men, making sure they were fully prepared for the battle. Even though Torgukan didn’t want to cause anymore conflicts on Kerlapon, he still wanted the Jedi to be destroyed. He gave Platonus about thirty men to take. They still had twenty other warriors ready to fight, in case they didn’t have enough.
   “Ok, men,” said Platonus, “We have a battle soon. We will be fighting the Jedi and paying them back for all the deaths they caused 200 years ago. The most important thing we do is to go to them. The reason our past brethren died so easily is because they allowed the Jedi to come to them. If we want to beat the Jedi, we must sneak into their facility and attack.
   “Now the Jedi are run by a man named Argunan Pacel. He is a very powerful Jedi master, though he has a weakness. You see his wife is in the hospital, getting ready to give birth. We will strike there first, and hopefully that will cripple Pacel.
   “So men, we move out in an hour. Get on your armor and mediate, because we will have the battle we have been born for.”
   “Um, Master,” asked one Sith, “What exactly are we fighting for? Is it for the planets again? I mean why now, it is just pointless. We are happy here, and they are happy there.”
   “You see, Cornan,” said Torgukan, “we are fighting for Kerlapon. The winner of the war will take down the cruel emperor and rule the planet themselves. That will show that stupid dictator who is boss. He will regret ever keeping that law in action. Though I think we should lay off Kerlapon, Platonus thinks otherwise. Since he is the army commander, he as ruling over this matter. Platonus, don’t fail us. Most importantly you must bring back Argunan’s lightsaber. It will serve as a trophy for your winning.
   “Now boys if you will excuse me, I am going to go prepare, for in less than an hour, we take Kerlapon for ourselves.” Platonus said as he exited the academies council chambers and went to his private quarters to get ready for the battle.
   Meanwhile on Gerlapon, Argunan was prepping his men as well. Getting them ready, and making sure that they knew what they were up against.
   Much like Platonus, Argunan was the commander of the Jedi army. They had about a hundred students and thirty warriors. Argunan was on the Jedi Council, but he wasn’t the leader. He did however have the council chamber to himself sometimes for meeting with all his warriors.
   “Men, the Sith are getting antsy,” said Argunan bluntly. “They want to take over Kerlapon, and we must stop them. Now tomorrow is the two hundredth anniversary since that terrible law went into effect. It is also the day my child is being born. I am sure the war will start today, and I am counting on you to do your best. Now if you excuse me, I am going to go tend to my wife, and remember, don’t underestimate your enemy, goodbye men.”
     Argunan hopped in a small ship and headed for Kerlapon. In no time he landed and quickly masked his Force signature. The emperor, now Gortank III, had built a device that can detect one’s Force signature. They weren’t too advanced, so simply masking one’s Force energy was enough.
   He quickly ran to the local hospital his wife was in and stood by her side.
   “Listen honey, I know you will do just fine. Have you chosen a name yet?” asked Argunan.
   “Yes,” replied his wife. “I have chosen Natul, and Katel. We are having twins.” Argunan gasped at this. He was so happy.
   “I can’t believe it. We are having twins, and they are Force sensitive, I can tell. Don’t worry, honey. I will hide their energies when the doctor scans them. I won’t let them severe our babies. Then when they are old enough, I will take them to Nerlapon, and train them as Jedi.”
   “That is wonderful. Honey, you’re not going to war are you?” she asked, worriedly. She became nervous. The last thing she wanted was for her husband to be killed in battle.
   “Not until Thursday, okay? I want to make sure you and the babies are safe. There is no way I will let them be hurt.” Argunan saw his wife smile and he smiled too. He only hoped that this war wouldn’t have negative consequences.
      Platonus landed his ship in the outskirts of Kerlapon. There were no soldiers here, so he didn’t have to worry. All his men exited and gathered in a group. They watched as the Jedi ship landed about 500 meters away. All the Sith drew their sabers as the Jedi came out.
   The Jedi saw the Sith and drew their sabers. They all stared at each other before racing towards on another, sabers at the ready.
   They started off strong, both sides, and soon, just like the last war, they all split up. The Sith went one way, and the Jedi the other. By the end of the first day only a few from both sides lay dead.   
   It was late at night, and Gortank III was scowling. Another war, and he didn’t like it. He summoned his messenger and had him broadcast a message to all homes and hospitals.
   “Citizens of Kerlapon, I speak to you know,” said Gortank III. “Due to the recent war that started earlier today between the Jedi and Sith, I must update a previous law. Now, instead of just severing the Force from an individual, anyone born with Force powers will be executed. No questions asked. This law goes in effect now. I will let this small war die off, but if any Force user sets foot on this planet after this war, you will be killed.” With that Gortank went to bed, angry.
   Argunan sighed. Looks like the emperor wasted no time this time. He looked to his wife and gave her a reassuring look.
   “Honey,” he said, “I can’t stay for long. I will stay as long as it takes to convince them that our children are normal. Then I will go. I am sorry, but I will come back, I promise.”
   Argunan and his wife woke up early in the morning, due to his wife going in labor. As his wife was giving birth, all Argunan could think about his men dying. He turned to his wife who was in pain.
   The doctor quickly came in and started. He talked to Argunan’s wife and trying to get her to stay calm. The doctor told her to give a big strong push, and soon, one baby was born. Then she gave another push, and the second one was born.
   “Ah,” said the doctor, “identical twins. Now, let me get the scanner and I will check for Force powers.” As the doctor went for the scanner, Argunan hide both of his sons’ Force energy. The doctor quickly scanned and smiled. “Well, no force powers, how lucky. Well Mrs. Pacel, soon we will have you out of here, and you both can go home. I will go retrieve the release papers.”
   The doctor left and Argunan hugged his wife and said, “I have to go. You will be fine. I will be back in a few days, and then we can raise our babies together.” With that he left and went to the battle field. The doctor had Mrs. Pacel sign the papers, and then he helped her get herself and her kids back to her home.
   

[Infantrymyers]

looks good man, you gonna base it off of events in the RP server?

[Darth Rifter]

yep, since this is Rifter's story.

[Infantrymyers]

ya i kinda figured ive been reading through the RP forums so i have an idea whats going on when i get out of the Academy

[ed_ification]

Is this being told by an external narrator?  The prologue and first bit of part 1 seem to be, but then you switch narrative person, which is a big no-no in grammatic terms.  You should also watch your spelling and punctuation.

Skip days of the week as we use them - Monday, etc. aren't used in the Star Wars universe.

You rely on the phrase "You see" several times in the story - to the point of repetition.  You might want to avoid that in your final draft.

"Had done something really weird" - that's something a person describing the event with no knowledge of it might say.  You as the writer have all the knowledge, and should tell your audience.

One cannot change oxygen "types".  Do you mean isotopes?

You switch between Argian and Kortunan in chapter one.  Kortunan has a black saber with a yellow glow and then Argian sheathes his saber and leaves...

You're not really describing much of the action aside from people talking.  You're simply telling people that events happen, rather than describing the events.  There's an old saying:  "Show, don't tell."  Don't tell us THAT these things are happening, show them to your audience.

I know this may come across as overly nitpicky, and I don't mean for it to be.  I'm trying for constructive criticism, to try to help you improve on your work. 

[Darth Rifter]

what do mean exactly by switching between Agrian and Kortunan? and where is it that I switch Narrative, becuase it is suppose to be third person passive.

[ed_ification]

what do mean exactly by switching between Agrian and Kortunan? and where is it that I switch Narrative, becuase it is suppose to be third person passive.

Ah, you are correct.  Missed it in the first read.  Forum posts don't tend to do paragraph breaks well... and apparently me and reading aren't friends lately.

Passive voice bad!  You should always try to stay in the active voice.

The prologue comes across as being told by an external narrator, almost like someone telling a story verbally to an audience.  Then we shift to the tale itself, and that comes more in the third person.

[Darth Rifter]

wait not passive, i meant like how some of us do in the RP, being third person, and also telling what happened in the past

EX. John  woke up with a smile on his face. As  he walked downstairs he felt a strange urge to dance, and he couldn't explain it. He then got hungry and walked into the kitchen for food.

As opposed to, John wakes up with a smile on his face. He walks down stairs and feels a strange urge to dance and can't explain it. He then gets hungry and walks into the kitchen for food.

The first example is what I am trying to do, and the prologue was ben pass' idea, and I liked it, but I can see how going from telling a story verbally to third person past is bad. So I may just take out the prologue, but I also like it for it explains the first two chapters basically. Any idea on how to fix it correctly in the right tense and in third person?

[ed_ification]

   Now you may be asking yourself who Darth Rifter was. Many people before you have. Few people were actually able to get to really know Rifter, and received the privilege to call him a friend. Everyone else was killed. Rifter didn’t want this life to begin with, it was forced upon him, you could say. Several events in the past, before he was born, plus a few in his childhood turned him into the man he is today. Rifter had a tough training, and suffered so much.
Rifter had many attempts on his life, and had many hard choices to make. His actions almost caused the deaths of almost a million people. Normally Sith do not care about meaningless deaths, but that did not sway Rifter from saving them, it was his destiny after all, what he was born to do.
 He went through three masters before he became a full-fledged Sith. His most notable master was the Sith emperor, Darth Yega. Rifter grew and expanded with Yega, and his last master, Darth Cronfios. All in all Rifter’s life was full of struggle and hardships.
Though, to better understand Rifter, one must look back at his home planet’s history, about two hundred years before Rifter’s birth, to the time of The Twins.

An attempt at a revision:

Who was Darth Rifter?  Many seek to know.  Few truly knew Rifter, and fewer still knew him as friend.

Rifter did not choose his path; it was thrust upon him.  Events that preceded his birth set the stage for the man he became.  Rifter struggled through a difficult training period, and suffered greatly.  Many trying choices faced him - some that nearly obliterated thousands of lives.  Some say that as a Sith, he did not care about meaningless lives; regardless, Rifter faced his destiny and his birthright, battling through the many struggles and hardships that opposed him.

Three Masters instructed Rifter before he reached his Lordship...

Many attempted to end his life.  Few tried to understand it.  To truly understand, one must go back, back some 200 years, back to his home planet, and the Time of the Twins...

So, I moved some things around, to keep the ideas grouped a bit more.  I also edited some things out, because some things should be revealed in the story, not in the prologue...

The prologue should set the stage for the story, not sum up early chapters...

[Darth Rifter]

Thank you ed