Rajen
Knight Officer
Force Alignment: 28
Posts: 103
Is the Dark Side stronger? No. Quicker, easier...
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« Reply #1 on: November 18, 2012, 03:12:14 AM » |
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Hi Frizzenflyer,
I enjoyed your story. I'm always intrigued about people's thoughts on Light vs Dark and the Grey in between.
I wasn't sure if you were after a critique but I thought I'd offer some of my notions on how you might improve this piece. If you prefer, then just ignore this and keep on writing - that's the main thing anyway!
So, firstly, I'd suggest you break up the piece into smaller paragraphs. The definition on what a paragraph is and how best to structure one varies but in short, paragraphs should be designed to help a reader follow the ideas you're writing about. Generally, you should use a paragraph any time you're raising a new point, a new perspective, or something that contrasts with your last point.
Another thing about paragraphs links to my second suggestion which is about dialogue. Good dialogue is one of the most difficult things to write well - and takes a LOT of practice. As far as the correct structure, any time you have someone begin to speak (and use "inverted commas") you should begin on a new line/paragraph. When someone new begins to speak, start a new line.
Also, when punctuating dialogue keep the commas and full stops inside the inverted commas. There's no need for another one after the inverted commas.
Like this:
“Zer Finz, enter.”
Not this:
“Zer Finz, enter.”.
One of the best ways to check how to punctuate dialogue is to open up just about any page in any novel and study how it's written.
My third point is a comment on the story. I thought it would be most unusual for a Knight only just out of his training to be given the great responsibility of having an apprentice. Especially in a circumstance where the apprentice's master has just died. There's lots of potential there for confusing negative thoughts which should be handled with care and probably only by a very experienced master.
Aaaaanyway. Just want you to know my words are meant only to help you improve. The most important thing about writing, above all the rules and 'suggestions' is just to keep doing it. As long as you're writing (and reading), improvement will come.
That said, here's my humble suggestion on how you might break up your piece into some shorter paragraphs...
Cheers, and keep on writing! :-)
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I live a kind of tightrope act. The razor-wire barrier between the light and darkness.
My mother died as I was born, I was immediately handed over to the Jedi high council, it was promptly decided that I was strong enough in the force to begin my training. Throughout my early training I often felt the eyes of my instructors burning into the back of my head. And it was not until much later that I understood. I was, without effort, constantly thwarting attempts to read my emotions and my thoughts. I never showed emotion, mostly because because I didn't feel anything. But they didn't know that. They thought I was just hiding my feelings. But I worked hard and made steady progress, and soon was among the top of my “class”. When it came time for me to be adopted as an apprentice. It was that time for another as well, Kail'Ashan.
She was short, petite, and light blue. She stuck to me throughout our early training, mainly because I appeared to have no friends. She was determined to be my friend. As we waited to be summoned before the council she looked at me, “Aren't you nervous?”.
“No.”, I wasn't nervous, I didn't feel anything.
“I am terrified, but I am also really exited.”. I nodded.
“Zer Finz, enter.”.
I turned and I walked in to see the high council. That was the second time I saw the high council. It was also when I met jedi master Kredd Oln Searr. I never saw KailAshan.
The third Time I was called to meet the high council was just after I had completed my training, I was waiting to be stationed somewhere. And I assumed that this meeting would result in my being given a task.
“Zer Finz, we have just received word that Master Searr has passed of old age. He will arrive soon, we would like you to meet the transport and take him to his pyre. We also would like you to take on his last apprentice.”.
I didn't think I was ready to take on an apprentice. “Master I do not think that I am ready to take on an apprentice, but as I recall Kail'Ashan would be finishing her apprenticeship now. Unless she has changed a great deal, she would be proud to take on an apprentice.”.
“Turned, she has. Into darkness, she has gone.”. I blinked, turned? I thought, and for the first time I felt confusion.
One of the masters turned in and said to the others. “we need to do something about her.”.
I knocked my saber off my belt. “I need to step away. I might not come back. But I won't go far.”. I turned and left. And ever since I have been walking along that strand of razor-wire.
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