Ok the first Thai food experience.
And remember, you asked for it.
I should say that this was early on in life and I have experienced nothing but wonderful food from all of my post Thai food experiences...Thai and Vietnamese food is distinctive, most often all the ingredients are fresh and the flavors are quite wonderful...if you have not tried then you must!
This story is one of heat and not flavor.
(certain details which are best described with my animated body movements and facial expressions will be omitted for the sake of forum restrictions...so add a bit on your end for full effect)
So I was a guest artist at GENCON in Wisconsin, 1991, for Chaosium and FASA game companies. While I was there I was exploring the local food scene which included a great old German restaurant where we closed the place by reserving all the seats for a massive dinner.
On one day a small group of game designers and I went out for something exotic, authentic Thai food.
Now I had eaten loads of Chinese food, how different could it be?
So armed with my prior knowledge and the confidence that comes from youthful ignorance I joined this band of brothers for our excursion.
Now it show be noted this was long before I knew about my brain and at times I could be, difficult. It was hard for me to relate to other people due to my hyperactive brain not allowing me to focus on mundane conversations and the frustration could easily lead me down an aggressive path...so I could be a bit of an ass...regrettably so, it is what it is...or rather it was what it was.
We get there and it is beautiful...truly splendid with gold, tapestries, and theme embellishments...really stunning place, and big...easily 200 seats.
I am excited now!
We order drinks...I was cold so I ordered hot tea, because I loved Chinese hot teas...and how different could it be?
My tea arrived and I let it steep while reading the menu...baffled by the names and descriptions...imagine you just left French class at school and then was handed a test in Spanish...it was a bit like that.
So I took a deep draft of the tea and suddenly (this is years before the zushi experience by the way) I was experiencing some of the most bitter flavor I have ever had to endure...what I wanted to do was spue it all out but I choked it down...now I was a bit perturbed...and when Mr Biggles gets angry...
I asked the waiter to bring me an iced tea instead.
Trying to stay calm, as one does not want to be an ass...when one has the opportunity to prevent such behavior.
We order the food...I went with the closest thing I make out...a roasted chicken dish with various vegis and wide noodles.
The waiter then asked that question that will forever be burned into my brain with a red light and klaxson siren..."how spicy would you like your food?"
Now up to that moment I had had the hottest that the Chinese restaurants I had attended could offer...later I realized that this really meant as hot as they were willing to make it...so I asked what the options were.
Mild
Medium
Hot
Very Hot
and wait for it
Thai Hot
So of course, I ordered it Thai Hot as did two other members...the other guy, curiously ordered it Medium.
I say curiously because he was the one who brought us here with storied of Thai food being wonderful, spicy, and full of flavor.
Then my iced tea arrives.
I slurp it down and then spit it back into the glass...it was the same type of tea over ice...so bitter I think my lower GI O ring tightened a full degree tighter.
So I was a bit mad...the waiter smiled a bit too much...my brain was churning a bit too fast...my friends reacted a bit too slowly...and in the end I was upset...and I ordered a Coke instead.
Calmed down and mollified by the soda...familiar taste to combat the overwhelming bitter of the tea (later on I became a fan of the strong tea because I drank it correctly...it requires the heavy sweetened cream that was provided that not use at the time...making it look like this)
Moving on...we got our appetizers...pork satay with peanut sauce...100% wonderful...all anger gone...filled with peanuty and fish sauce yumminess!
(fish sauce...do not be afraid of the fish sauce...it sounds terrible...fermented seafood bits, garlic, salt, vinegar, spices...and it smells, well it smells like fish sauce which is to say "OMG!" but it is one of those things that sounds bad, smells bad, and wakes up your taste buds making everything taste better...almost in a magical way)
The entries arrive...on high serving dishes all shiny and bright...with lids on them.
I pulled my lid off and well the best way to describe it would be steamed by pepper spray...my breath was gone, I literally choked from my throat closing up...my eyes instantly watered to blurred vision state and I almost had a panic attack.
But I turned away and cleared my airway and regained my composure...because that burning steam smelled so good...the flavor was bathing my face with essence of yum.
So I was left with one of those choices in life...did I mention that the entree cost me $30?, well at the time that was my daily food allowance for the day...do I bypass the 6 alarm fire chicken or go hungry...Mr Bitter tea waiter is standing there...with this wide grin...taunting me with his calm knowing...so of course I ate it.
It was so delicious
...and I mean to say wonderfully flavorful and exotic...tasty and aromatic...and...and...and oh my firetrucking good damn the river cause it is going to flood HOT!
So hot...so tasty.
Did I mention hot?
Yes it was hot...but so tasty.
I swallowed it down in a rush, put my money on the table, did not wait for the group, I do not think I even looked up during the whole process, and walked out...scanning the street I saw a Dairy Queen about a full city block away...i bolted at full speed for the same.
Ran in the door...with hot food tears and sweat coating my skin...put a handful of money on the counter and croaked out something like "large cone"...but truthfully I suspect it was more like "lllaaaarrr kkakak ooooonnn".
(in retrospect I most likely looked like a pepper spray victim or attacker gone wrong/right?)
I ate the whole thing in a second or two...calmed down for a moment...ordered another, like a human being this time...tipped them and left...lapping at my cone like a 5yr old.
And so the story ends...or so I thought.
A night filled with churning, burping, and other gas releases of less than positive natures...and by less than I mean to say a balance of "hey what is that?" and "OMG wha tis that!"/
The morning comes quickly and I have to get to the convention hall early, artists and other exhibitors go in an hour or two before the doors open to prep the booths, and I was building an 18" Cthulhu model so I needed to get busy with my work table.
I got to the Milwaukee Convention Center and start setting up...midway laying out my tools I experienced the gut wrenching pain followed by the drano effect that was a warning that something wicked this way was coming...and most likely it would be one of those, you only get one warning moments...the convention bathrooms were several hundred feet away...yes, I had a moment of concern.
So with my best US Marine Corps trained focus, all of my martial training being called into action, with my ass cheeks pressed so hard together that my waistline reduced by two full sizes...I made that sure and determined walk...ok I will allow the word waddle to be used here...a straight and concentrate bee line for the bathroom.
Now you know where this is going, so continue reading at your own peril.
The bathroom was immense...with 40-50 stalls and three entrance doors to the throne room...I was near the middle door so I took the closest closet of hope, with a sigh of relief...the jeans were not going to have to thrown away.
I made it...whew.
Then the reality of the situation struck home.
If it was that hot going in...oh no...ohhhh noooooo (all in slow motion)
Now you miss out on facial expressions and crazy poses that I provide in person...but we continue.
I ended up standing up a bit due to the excessive, ummm...heat of the moment?...a hot wire brush on the end of power drill is pretty close to the experience...then it gets funny.
While suffering through the moment, trying not to puke from the effort to control my breathing (and you would want to not breathe by the way), the center access door opens and two guys walk in talking...certainly in no rush...followed by a "Holy crap what the hell is that smell!" and then a bit of stumbling as they ran back out the door.
I was laughing so hard i started to cry a bit...then more pain...laughing...repeat.
So nearing the end of the moment...the worst of it past...deep into recovery time...regaining composure...the door opens again...this time the sounds of a familiar urgency filled the bathroom...he makes his way in...and for some reason, with all the options chooses a stall near mine...dropped the pants and then "OMG"...I see the feet, the pants down, and him shuffling past as he went 10-15 stalls away to continue his own special moment.
Meanwhile I have nothing left...can't cry...can't laugh...worn out.
I cleaned up...and walked out the door...into...a standing ovation...with dozens of guys clapping.
What can you do at a moment like that?
I took a bow and said in a voice about as steady as I could muster..."Do not order it Thai Hot"...
I continued to the booth and tried my best to find a way to sit, but was fairly unsuccessful...
Moral of the story...be careful what you ask for.
