Venting.

[Lady Agana Kath]

My stellar IT dept. is at it again. I'm back to not being able to view imgur images again..........at least until the afternoon. >

*grumbles*

[Illyiss]

Sounds like your "IT" department sucks.

[Darth Logos]

Well I do define IT as Idiot Technicians.

[Illyiss]

Inept techs. 

[Edon Bluewolf]

Horrible week long headache slowly wearing off just before the doctor's appointment tomorrow morning...

[Illyiss]

Horrible week long headache slowly wearing off just before the doctor's appointment tomorrow morning...

Silver lining, it's going away.

[Jev Moldara]

I've done some soul searching and realized why I am so closed off and guarded.

First off, some backstory. This isn't bragging. It's just the truth.

I am abnormally strong. Yes, I'm a big guy, but even for a big guy, I am freakishly strong. Always have been.

There was an incident when I was around two where a six-year old kid angered me and I supposedly went after him (I don't remember obviously because I was two). According to family members, I latched my hands around that kid's throat and was strangling him. My father, who was like 6'4 and over 300 pounds, was whooping my ass to make me let go and I just was not doing it. It took my father prying my hands away from the kid, and even then, he had a difficult time. That level of strength understandably frightened my parents, who took it upon themselves to teach me the only way they knew how. They constantly told me to always keep my temper in check and never lash out, because with my strength, I could seriously hurt someone or even kill them without even trying.

Now, I am not blaming them for anything, because as I said, they did the only thing they could. I'm just explaining what happened.

Given that my parents loved me and I loved them, I didn't want to disappoint them, so I took these lessons to heart and learned to ignore things that made me angry.

Well, while this worked, it also marked me as an easy target for everyone. People started messing with me, using me as a (sometimes literal) punching bag because I would not do anything about it for fear of hurting someone. I would rather be hurt than hurt someone else.

Something had to give though, so I took the only reasonable action I could. When I hit middle school, I learned to move around unnoticed. I became invisible. A ghost. I became as unobtrusive as possible, just fading into the background, capable of slipping in and out without being seen.

I was lonely, but at least the constant abuse from classmates had mostly ended.

Now, the invisibility wasn't perfect, as I was still targeted by the worst of the lot. Even worse than that were the ones who saw that I was lonely and pretended to be my friend or pretended to be interested just so they could get close and really hurt me. It became a game to them, as I discovered, with points and everything. "Who can screw with Patrick the worst?"

That's when I started building my armored shell around me, to make sure that nobody and nothing could get in and hurt me. I stopped trusting people and started viewing them with suspicion when they would approach me to talk, wondering what their angle was. No matter what people tried, they couldn't get in unless I wanted them in.

I was safe at last. Unnoticed. Unremarkable. Unobtrusive. Impenetrable. It's a lonely existence, but it's safe. I've been that way ever since, for over 25 years now. More than half of my life.

Now, as I have passed my 40th and then 41st birthdays, I've realized that I don't want to be this way anymore, but I have been so used to it that I know of no other way to be. I am frankly terrified that I have missed my life and that it's too late to change.

[Darth Logos]

I've done some soul searching and realized why I am so closed off and guarded.

First off, some backstory. This isn't bragging. It's just the truth.

I am abnormally strong. Yes, I'm a big guy, but even for a big guy, I am freakishly strong. Always have been.

There was an incident when I was around two where a six-year old kid angered me and I supposedly went after him (I don't remember obviously because I was two). According to family members, I latched my hands around that kid's throat and was strangling him. My father, who was like 6'4 and over 300 pounds, was whooping my ass to make me let go and I just was not doing it. It took my father prying my hands away from the kid, and even then, he had a difficult time. That level of strength understandably frightened my parents, who took it upon themselves to teach me the only way they knew how. They constantly told me to always keep my temper in check and never lash out, because with my strength, I could seriously hurt someone or even kill them without even trying.

Now, I am not blaming them for anything, because as I said, they did the only thing they could. I'm just explaining what happened.

Given that my parents loved me and I loved them, I didn't want to disappoint them, so I took these lessons to heart and learned to ignore things that made me angry.

Well, while this worked, it also marked me as an easy target for everyone. People started messing with me, using me as a (sometimes literal) punching bag because I would not do anything about it for fear of hurting someone. I would rather be hurt than hurt someone else.

Something had to give though, so I took the only reasonable action I could. When I hit middle school, I learned to move around unnoticed. I became invisible. A ghost. I became as unobtrusive as possible, just fading into the background, capable of slipping in and out without being seen.

I was lonely, but at least the constant abuse from classmates had mostly ended.

Now, the invisibility wasn't perfect, as I was still targeted by the worst of the lot. Even worse than that were the ones who saw that I was lonely and pretended to be my friend or pretended to be interested just so they could get close and really hurt me. It became a game to them, as I discovered, with points and everything. "Who can screw with Patrick the worst?"

That's when I started building my armored shell around me, to make sure that nobody and nothing could get in and hurt me. I stopped trusting people and started viewing them with suspicion when they would approach me to talk, wondering what their angle was. No matter what people tried, they couldn't get in unless I wanted them in.

I was safe at last. Unnoticed. Unremarkable. Unobtrusive. Impenetrable. It's a lonely existence, but it's safe. I've been that way ever since, for over 25 years now. More than half of my life.

Now, as I have passed my 40th and then 41st birthdays, I've realized that I don't want to be this way anymore, but I have been so used to it that I know of no other way to be. I am frankly terrified that I have missed my life and that it's too late to change.

I'm not trying to dismiss your pain by any measure, but I feel the best way to say it is to be blunt. You are alive, and therefore still have time to learn and make changes. It's only too late when you're dead.

[Illyiss]

Logos is right, you are alive, you can still make changes, intentional decisions about your life.

[tx_tuff]

It is tough to put yourself out there but that is what is needed. At 41 you will have plenty of time to change the way you are living, after all it was a learned behavior and not one that came natural.

You have to find some people with the same interest as you, rather it be something more sabers or anything else. Get some meet and greets together and start from there.

Sent from my XT1650 using Tapatalk

[Illyiss]

It is tough to put yourself out there but that is what is needed. At 41 you will have plenty of time to change the way you are living, after all it was a learned behavior and not one that came natural.

You have to find some people with the same interest as you, rather it be something more sabers or anything else. Get some meet and greets together and start from there.

Sent from my XT1650 using Tapatalk

This is good advice.  Get together with others with similar interests, and let the networking go from there.

[Edon Bluewolf]

Silver lining, it's going away.

Gold lining, still managed to score some good meds!  The pain is melting away back to happiness finally!  Vent - no refills 

[Illyiss]

Gold lining, still managed to score some good meds!  The pain is melting away back to happiness finally!  Vent - no refills 

Yeah, well, sticking with more and more meds is no fun.  Trust me.

[Frizzenflyer]

two of my cretins called out this morning.
Cretin a called out because he has had a hacking cough since saturday and he can barely speak.
Cretin b called out because he "has a cold". . . and by a cold he meant a girlfriend that is going to be with all day. Side note, why would you post that on facebook? I mean in general, not just when you've called out with a "cold". I would post the exact wording of his post but I am pretty sure that would get me into trouble, paraphrased it is: "Happy Valentines Day, Britches (I added an r)! I get to spend all day in bed with my gf!".

in other news the awkward quiet girl weirded me out when she got in by asking what my wife and I are doing for Valentines Day, I am not married and when I indicated that that was the case she smiled and walked away. Beau still hasn't stopped laughing at that.

[Darth Logos]

frelling Valentine's Day. That is all.