Venting.

[Majobu5]

It's been a terrible week, and I know there was a shooting today,  so I'm sorry if anyone is thinking I'm insensitive with the gun pointing pic, but it's the words I'm trying to get across.
Ezekiel 25:17, according to Jules(Pulp Fiction)


My wife/ex wife, whatever... Used my kids to lie for her against me for the past few months about another guy. One can say, "you guys are separated, nothing to it"
But, this is my son. And, he should have NEVER been brought into this! I'm so sad for him, and I was initially so disappointed in him, but he's 11, almost 12.. he's still a child.. he shouldn't have had to go through this. I've been so heartbroken over the whole ordeal, on top of her giving out our address to this guy, putting our kids in jeopardy, risking their safety, imo. I don't trust people, especially when it comes to my children. I constantly preach, preach, preach, online safety, disclosing info online to my boys, and she doesn't even listen! SMH...
I just felt really down folks.. so down, cuz she started to tell me she loved me and wanted me back, but she's never showed it.. said it, a million times. Shown, hardly ever. Actions speak very loudly, and hers speak volumes. Never washed, cooked, cleaned, slept in, beat me, verbally abused me, the kids, was a gaslighter, but for some reason, I still loved/love her.. I have that beaten husband syndrome, I suppose. So, I wanted the pain to stop.. and, I started cutting myself.. cut 20+ times over my wrist, forearm, hip, thigh, and chest. Felt suicidal, felt like running away, giving up.. just have nothing left..
But, I'm not going to quit. I may still be really sad, at this very moment, but I'm still kicking. As long as I'm awake, I'm still to function like a human being. I have not turned to alcohol, drugs, or any other forms or destructive behavior, until this past Tuesday when I cut. I will stop.. just need to think about the many, and not so microscopically.
Thanks for reading, if you've read it to this point

[tx_tuff]

Majobu, probably something you don't want to help but you need some kind of counseling or somebody to talk to. I guess your rant is a start.

It really does suck that your ex would put your child in the middle like that. I was once that kid and it is not fun. Do not be upset with him at all over what he did or didn't tell you. By doing that you are putting him back in the middle.

I've been divorced for about 12 years, my daughter and son where very young at the time. While her and her mom would talk shell about me in front of them I have never said any one thing bad any her or her mother in front of or to them! And trust me I have plenty I could say. But because of this I feel like my bound with them couldn't be better!

You will not be able to control who the ex wants to see and unless you get something in writing in a divorce decree you have no say so over who she gives hey address to or even who she has come over. That is just something you have to deal with, but it goes both ways. She will not have that control over you either.

Keep in mind also that by hurting yourself you are also hurting your son. So if you need to please get help.

Sent from my XT1650 using Tapatalk

[Rapine]

All I can say is to rise above it M5, and don't let someone else take control over your life.  You're better than that man.


I agree with tx as well.  I'm sure I get bashed by my ex and family, but no bad words come from me about her.

Hang in there man.

[Majobu5]

Yes.. saw my therapist Tuesday, my psychiatrist yesterday..
Talked to my mom about it Thursday.
My mom and I have a difficult relationship because she is very overbearing and I keep her at a distance because she is one who likes to gossip and tell everyone what is going on, and I am extremely private, but nonetheless, we have a very deep, nearly 6 hour talk over the phone. To be honest, I think that was the most helpful conversation I had. I carry a lot of guilt, because my grandpa, my mom's dad, was virtually like my role model, like my male figure, my dad figure, growing up. My dad was an absentee dad, just there in presence, but never showed me affection or anything to life, but my grandpa did. The older I got, I learned my grandpa was a drinker, and those"walks" we took, he was drinking a bottle most of the time. My grandpa dealt with a lot of pain, emotional, and my granny was a spoiled, pampered woman, but, he stayed quiet, and just did it all. That's how I honor my grandpa. In my teens, he got Alzheimer's and dementia and I was too naive to understand that he was still in there, he could still understand, even though externally, he appeared lost. And so I felt I abandoned him the last 5 years of his life, cuz I was selfish and "I" couldn't see him like that.. so it was something I never told my mom... Fudge.. it's something I never tell ANYONE!! I just try to be him, cuz I miss him, love him, and I'm doing it minus the drink.. but, I broke down, and I asked my mom, how did he do it, for so long?
He answer was, he was just like you... He didn't express his pain.. so he just drank more, but, he was disappointed in my granny, upset my uncle went schizophrenic and couldn't help, and his dad, he never saw.. he was abandoned as a baby. His brothers died young, in war, it affected him. My grandpa was human.. he definitely wasn't this ultimate being that nothing ever got to him, and I see that, today. So, I'm going to be a better, stronger person here on out as long as I could

[ThreadJack]

Was SUPPOSED to get that car yesterday. We had a (rough)plan, but then he never returned my message in the morning, so we didn't meet up. Just one more person who's letting me down. Why not, everyone else seems to.

Everyone seems to care about themselves, no one ever gives a shell about Brooke it seems. Even my own mother refuses to call me by my proper name, won't change pronouns, persistently tells me I'm her "son" and she "loves me," yet she continues to put her own beliefs and comfort over my mental health and well being, then wonders why I don't want to talk to her and lock myself in my room all day every day. I only live here out of necessity, but slowly I'm inching towards dumping everything and moving away anyway, not caring.

I can't effectively stand up for myself with my parents without my own car, as I have no way to get away when things go bad, which they will.

On top of this(actually probably mostly because of) and all that I'm going through, I'm too depressed to bother attempting to function sometimes. Today is one of those days. My father's response to seeing me visibly upset is to basically ask me when I'm getting my own car and lecturing me about getting another job. Hell, I can't even be bothered to apply for jobs lately. Even getting on this forum or my computer in general takes too much energy. That's how terribly depressed I've been. But again, nobody cares.

[Frizzenflyer]

Was SUPPOSED to get that car yesterday. We had a (rough)plan, but then he never returned my message in the morning, so we didn't meet up. Just one more person who's letting me down. Why not, everyone else seems to.

Everyone seems to care about themselves, no one ever gives a shell about Brooke it seems. Even my own mother refuses to call me by my proper name, won't change pronouns, persistently tells me I'm her "son" and she "loves me," yet she continues to put her own beliefs and comfort over my mental health and well being, then wonders why I don't want to talk to her and lock myself in my room all day every day. I only live here out of necessity, but slowly I'm inching towards dumping everything and moving away anyway, not caring.

I can't effectively stand up for myself with my parents without my own car, as I have no way to get away when things go bad, which they will.

On top of this(actually probably mostly because of) and all that I'm going through, I'm too depressed to bother attempting to function sometimes. Today is one of those days. My father's response to seeing me visibly upset is to basically ask me when I'm getting my own car and lecturing me about getting another job. Hell, I can't even be bothered to apply for jobs lately. Even getting on this forum or my computer in general takes too much energy. That's how terribly depressed I've been. But again, nobody cares.

I know that there is not much one can say to make you feel better, but we are here for you none the less, and you have my phone number. Don't hesitate to let me know if there is something i can do. I know how lack of resources can make even doing what others consider "the least you can do" a challenge, even without the extra hurdles of people choosing not to respect who you are. But you are strong, you will overcome what obstacles rise into your path.

Has any money changed hands on the car deal?

[ThreadJack]

I know that there is not much one can say to make you feel better, but we are here for you none the less, and you have my phone number. Don't hesitate to let me know if there is something i can do. I know how lack of resources can make even doing what others consider "the least you can do" a challenge, even without the extra hurdles of people choosing not to respect who you are. But you are strong, you will overcome what obstacles rise into your path.

Has any money changed hands on the car deal?

Do I have your number? (Sorry things are a little foggy right now, my memory is crap lately)

Luckily no, it was a trade and I still have my car with title.

[Frizzenflyer]

Do I have your number? (Sorry things are a little foggy right now, my memory is crap lately)

Luckily no, it was a trade and I still have my car with title.

I thought so, I will send a PM.

[Xamon]

okay bear with me this may sound horrible at the start.
I don't care what gender you are or want to be what you look like or what religion you follow, What I care about is that you are a person. Frankly I have never met you but I think we would be friends if we did.( we can be forum friends of course but not quite the same thing) You are in pain and I really do understand, I am bipolar but without much of the up phase and agoraphobic. When I was getting to the breaking point and during early treatment there were days when I just pulled the blankets over my head and stayed there all day. I got through this with help from professionals and friends, some of them online, and so will you. A lot of people will say be strong I say hell no, break down cry scream throw a tantrum, you don't need to have someone around to listen to it, these things are part of our biology to deny them sends a system out of balance, let them go then you don't have to be strong you just are strong. Anyway that is my two cents, I hope you can get out and find a good place. In the meantime look both ways before crossing the street, eat a cookie, have a nap, and keep talking to us.

[ThreadJack]

okay bear with me this may sound horrible at the start.
I don't care what gender you are or want to be what you look like or what religion you follow, What I care about is that you are a person. Frankly I have never met you but I think we would be friends if we did.( we can be forum friends of course but not quite the same thing) You are in pain and I really do understand, I am bipolar but without much of the up phase and agoraphobic. When I was getting to the breaking point and during early treatment there were days when I just pulled the blankets over my head and stayed there all day. I got through this with help from professionals and friends, some of them online, and so will you. A lot of people will say be strong I say hell no, break down cry scream throw a tantrum, you don't need to have someone around to listen to it, these things are part of our biology to deny them sends a system out of balance, let them go then you don't have to be strong you just are strong. Anyway that is my two cents, I hope you can get out and find a good place. In the meantime look both ways before crossing the street, eat a cookie, have a nap, and keep talking to us.

[Darth Tepes]

Questions I don't mind:

Are/Did you going/go to college?

Do you have Children?

What I do mind is when I answer "no" to those questions, I get the  Third degree.   

[Rapine]

Agreed.   To each his/her own I say.  College isn't for everyone, and bringing a child into this world is no one else's decision but your own.

[Darth Tepes]

Agreed.   To each his/her own I say.  College isn't for everyone, and bringing a child into this world is no one else's decision but your own.

Yep, plus you never know if the reasons for answering NO are painful to talk about. 

[Gar-Wi Musan]

Agreed.   To each his/her own I say.  College isn't for everyone, and bringing a child into this world is no one else's decision but your own.

Yup.

Yep, plus you never know if the reasons for answering NO are painful to talk about. 

Double yup yup.

Personally, I didn't go to college (for long) and I do not regret it at all. And I will (almost certainly) never have kids, but I love them. My best friend has a 5 month old son. Amazing kid and I love him to death. It's just not for me. 

[ThreadJack]

Yep, plus you never know if the reasons for answering NO are painful to talk about. 

Thank you!!!! I got it a bit this semester from some girls in one of my classes, when we got to talking about kids. I was like "I think I might adopt." They looked at me kinda weird and the one girl was like "You don't want to have your own kids?!" and someone chimed in about her sister saying giving birth was the best experience she ever had. I had kinda withdrawn at that point and looked visibly upset, I think they got from my expression and demeanor "oh, she probably CAN'T have her own kids." I wasn't pushed, but I did have an explanation, a simple "I can't because medical reasons, that's all I'm saying." Even that might not have gotten out, this is a sour subject for me, I'd give anything to be able to carry my own child, but I'm not equipped that way.