Venting.

[Luna]

I'm a little pressed for time, so my responses will be much shorter than I would like them to be, but I will do my best to reply to/thank everybody.

For starters, you were backed into a corner as near as I can see it.  Be proud of who you are, I, for one, will not and do not judge.  You did NOT tear your family apart, no matter what anyone may say, you may have allowed the information to become public knowledge, but odds are it would have in time anyways.  Affairs never tend to do anyone any good and always end up hurting loved ones.  In this case I would blame your father for starters, and maybe look to your mother because obviously somewhere in their relationship there's been a breakdown in communication.  Sometimes a good airing of the grievances can get all those skeletons out of the closet and into the light of day so that people are forced to deal with them and actually talk.  Who knows, it may make things better in the long run.

So, internet hugs to you, try and hang on and see how things work out, it may take a little time, but several of us will be here if you need to keep venting.

*I too am a father of three (21, 19, 16) the oldest two being girls... I can be made available in PMs as well if you really want to unload.  Again, no judging, just a sympathetic ear/eye.

Thanks, it really means a lot to me. Now that I think of it, I really was in a corner. I think my mother is just a little clueless... she's the clueless socialite stereotype incarnate. Thanks for the offer, I'll PM you if I need anything

Luna, first off...this is about as safe a forum to ever come up with whatever as I have ever seen.

Your situation is a tough one, but nothing is beyond repair.

I have a pile of kids...27, 21, 19, 18...the first three girls.

Believe me when I tell you that between them, living their young crazy lives, I have had to ride the roller coaster called "OMG" more than once.

One letting in an 18yr old through her second floor window when she was 13-14, getting pregnant by the same guy...going through all of that...no details beyond that is necessary...it was ugly.

One dating a guy who we found out after they broke up that he had date raped her when she was 14; she stayed with him out of guilt...we found out when he bragged on facebook about the 6 14-15yr old girls he had plucked without their consent...my son who had a friend of a friend looped it back to us.

And on and on.

Yours is not all that uncommon.

We as a forum will support you of course.

I as a person on the same support you and offer all the internet hugs and well wishes that I can muster...PMs are available if desired or needed, for another Father's input.

Your life is yours to live.

The issue with your Dad...it is not easy to understand right now but he made his choices and he is an adult.  It is not yours to manage for him.  That he did what he did to have anything to be caught for is not on you.

You gotta let that part go.

That is easy to say and so very hard to do, but try.

Your family will come back, give it time.

There are stages everyone goes through when a major event happens...be it a house fire, wrecking a car, getting arrested, etc. or the more personal stuff like teen age pregnancies, catching kids with drugs, etc.

These stages take the pace they take...they can not be forced, do not try.

There are initial stages of anger, which eventually leads to denial, and then in the end a measure of acceptance.

Not everyone reaches this stage, but most do over time.

And truthfully if they do not reach the acceptance point, that is on them and not on you.

You did not break your vows, you did not assault or injure anyone...you simply had to deal with who you are at this very moment.

Life can be wonderful and full of ponies and rainbows...but life also reminds us that ponies poo, a lot...and also reminds us that usually where there are rainbows there is rain.

Step around the poo, get out of the rain, pick yourself up...life is not over, it is just getting started for you.

There are real councilors ready to help online, on the phone, and in person...where ever you are.

Find them...talk to them...and listen to them.

The rest will fall into place.

Believe me...I promise that as a parent, and my wife backs me up here on this for sure, I would much rather get a life choice situation like being interested in same sex partners than something life damning like having HIV from dirty needles from being addicted to heroin.

Oh we would be mad or upset at the moment...that is life, and you wish the best for your kids and your friends...easier is better, but you have to be true to yourself.

We would support our kids no matter what...give us a couple days to chew on the tough bits as they come up...and I am sure they will come around in their own time.

Your business is your own...that you could share here is important.

A simple forum for supporting LED toys...leading to being a forum that could give even the smallest measure of support and friendship to another person...that has real value.

Chin up...it is not the end of the world...it just got more interesting is all.

Big hug from me Luna...I do not care boy or girl or pony...all the same to me...I would rather you be who you are and be comfortable in that skin.




PS
Your Mom will need hugs too...sooner than later...just saying.

That made me tear up a little. I can't tell you how much I appreciate what you said. I'll do my best to follow your advice, and I'll respond to your PM ASAP.

What the Wise Jedi said above me and just to add

You didn't cheat... your father did that's not on you that is on him

Hey at least you didn't have to come out

Be with your mother she needs you now more than ever she just got two shocks ... One shouldn't be nowadays and I'm sure they had an idea if they didn't they are daft ...

Anyways good luck keep your head up shoulders up and love your mother and love your girlfriend ...

Sometimes rash decisions are the best and get you on your feet and moving

Good luck

I appreciate that you cooled down before you told us what happened ... That is a feature I see less and less nowadays ... It shows your maturity !

Thanks very much for you advice, and especially for the compliment. I you all hadn't already guessed, my self-esteem is shot right now, so it means a lot

First off Luna, I figured you were a girl from about your 3rd interaction with me.  I can understand your reason for keeping your gender a secret.  No problems from me.  Who you are, is who you are.  It is very tough when a gender role is defined and when someone falls outside that role, they are criticized for it.  I can understand why you chose to stay in the closet but keep in mind, you are not alone.

You did not destroy your family.  As Rel has more eloquently put it, it is your father that is the sole doer of that.  Having been in that type of situation, I can honestly say that when someone has made up their mind to cheat, nothing or no one will stop them from doing what they want to do.  Of course they'll point fingers and place blame but it is simply a diversion away from them. 

Had I been in your situation, I have no doubt I would have done the very same thing.  Once again, you are not alone there. 

Feel free to let PM's fly if you need more freedom to speak. 

As the father of a daughter, I may be faced with hearing that very same thing about her.  My biggest concerns with her life is that she is healthy and happy.  Everything else is just a father's desires and not necessarily those of my daughter. 

Even if your family is not proud of you, many of us here on the forum are.  As Ben Kenobi best put it, you have just taken your very first step into a larger world. 

It's very hard to not feel alone in a situation like this, so that's pretty much exactly what I needed to hear to keep my head above the water. It's great to get advice from people with the experience of raising their own daughters, and thanks for the offer. I won't hesitate to take you up on it if need be.

Also... what was our third interaction?

well I think all the wise words have been said, but ill just say this- you are who you are. whether you are a guy or gal, whether you like guys or gals, doesn't matter im not about to judge you on that, and im sure many others here wont either.

Thank you very much, it means more than you can know to have a judgement-free area in a time like this. I only wish everyone IRL could be like this.

Oh Luna...

*hugs*

And keep in mind it's not your fault. It's your father's. You didn't do anything wrong.

I'm here if you need to talk.

The hugs are much appreciated, and although I still feel that I handled the situation at least a teeny bit wrong, it's nice to know that others don't think so. I'll definitely PM you if I need to talk

First .... Second: I knew the entire time you were a lady. Never the less Luna we are here, and I hope the wise above my help you. I have meany friends that have gone through similar things. I have always stood by them literally and spiritually. If need be I'm always available. Remember every thing changes and it is always inevitable. It may not happen the way you want it to, but when it dose theirs no looking back. So move forward when ready and remember the first step is a duzzy. As always MTFBWY and there's always mlp when all else fails lol.

Well, it turns out that I'm not too good at hiding my gender after all Anyway, thanks for the advice. It's hard to remember that things can change sometimes, but I think I'm just about through the first step.

Thanks again for everything, points for everyone I'm heading back to my house now that my mother has calmed down (thankfully, since SOTJ's house is haunted as ****). I'll post further updates hopefully later today.

[kewlkev360]

Well, it turns out that I'm not too good at hiding my gender after all Anyway, thanks for the advice. It's hard to remember that things can change sometimes, but I think I'm just about through the first step.

Thanks again for everything, points for everyone I'm heading back to my house now that my mother has calmed down (thankfully, since SOTJ's house is haunted as ****). I'll post further updates hopefully later today.

Well I can make you feel better there, because I was totally fooled.  Then again, I've a reputation around my house as a bit clueless. 

Anyways, a bit late for the advice giving but I'd say don't beat yourself up for revealing the dirty laundry.  You aren't responsible for hiding your dad's indiscretions.  I'm not great at the advice giving but we are all friends  here and hope everything works out for you.

[Master Bluespike74]

3rd interaction:  You began talking about how much you liked Natasi Daala.  A strong female character living in a male dominated world and became a leader in her own right. 

[Master Rel]

3rd interaction:  You began talking about how much you liked Natasi Daala.  A strong female character living in a male dominated world and became a leader in her own right. 

Curious, because we have a couple guys here on the RPG who primarily or only play and identify with female characters lol.



PS
Luna...great news about Mom calming down...being a Mom tends to toughen a woman up at the core, but I am sure hugs and support will be most welcome.

Internet hug

[Master Bluespike74]

Curious, because we have a couple guys here on the RPG who primarily or only play and identify with female characters lol.



PS
Luna...great news about Mom calming down...being a Mom tends to toughen a woman up at the core, but I am sure hugs and support will be most welcome.

Internet hug

When being programmed by society to be a certain way and assume certain gender roles, even when you come into your own,  a trace of that programming continues to exist.  Every time I talk about anything related to a kitchen, the red necks in my area begin look at me with suspicion and the women think I am lying. 

Even though religion is prohibited on this forum, my ardent disdain for pork should give anyone with a little insight an idea of what religion I can be identified. 

Even if I began talking about how much I love BLT sandwiches, something would inevitably pop up that would immediately have someone questioning if I truly liked pork bacon.  (I love turkey bacon by the way)

This is why I believe that it is hard on people that are outside a societal norm to speak openly about what is troubling them.  Fear of rejection, fear of reprisal, fear of something and often times it is a real fear. 

The reason so many of us like the Internet is because we have anonymity to be our true nerdy selves without the toilet swirls, class rings to the head slaps, wedgies, and so forth. 

[Master Lucien Kane]

Hey Luna, I'm sorry about the troubles your having. I have never dealt with a situation like that, but my family had serious issues with me marrying my wife. I don't know if it was control, or jealousy, or psychosis. They flipped out when I told them I was going to marry my then girlfriend. They started off with valid arguments, which I kindly listened to and offered counterpoints. I knew there would be some question about my age, our time dating, etc. However then it quickly delved into more personal unrelated matters. They eventually accused my wife of being a satanist. (We're Christian) naturally that was the point I'd told them they'd gone too far.

Our entire engagement and first year of marriage was rocky, because of my parents. My wife lost so much weight from the stress, she developed fibromyalgia. Just terrible stuff. I felt responsible, I felt like it was my fault on both sides.

You are responsible for your actions, not anyone else's. You haven't lied, you have told the truth. Even if your parents disagree with your choice from a religious, philosophical, or whatever reasons they feel so strongly. It's not acceptable to treat your children that way.

In all honesty, I can say if my son came to me when he was older and told me he was gay, I'd be devastated. It's against my beliefs, and it's against how I will raise my son.

That being said, it will not change my love for my son one bit. I will not fly off the handle I wouldn't disown him, heck I'd try to bring him closer.

Your family will heal! That's the great news, it may not be the same, especially since a concealed affair came into the light. In my opinion honesty will be better for your family in the long run.

We love you here, you've always been a sweetheart, a pleasure to have conversations with and nothing you've revealed has changed my opinion of you which is good!

I've rambled on long enough and really offered no helpful advice but that things will get better, and you are not responsible for tearing your family apart.

[rezeb360]

So on other none related news. I've decided agents all of my costume endeavors, and I'm going with what I got. Renaissance costumes I have two not complete and kind of not great but that's more then my Jedi and merc will ever be. So I'm going that rout and am looking at joining the SCA.

[Master Rel]

So on other none related news. I've decided agents all of my costume endeavors, and I'm going with what I got. Renaissance costumes I have two not complete and kind of not great but that's more then my Jedi and merc will ever be. So I'm going that rout and am looking at joining the SCA.

The SCA can be very rewarding and fun!

Lots of opportunity for fight practice also!

http://www.sca.org/

 

[Luna]

3rd interaction:  You began talking about how much you liked Natasi Daala.  A strong female character living in a male dominated world and became a leader in her own right. 

Ah yes, I guess that was a pretty big giveaway

Hey Luna, I'm sorry about the troubles your having. I have never dealt with a situation like that, but my family had serious issues with me marrying my wife. I don't know if it was control, or jealousy, or psychosis. They flipped out when I told them I was going to marry my then girlfriend. They started off with valid arguments, which I kindly listened to and offered counterpoints. I knew there would be some question about my age, our time dating, etc. However then it quickly delved into more personal unrelated matters. They eventually accused my wife of being a satanist. (We're Christian) naturally that was the point I'd told them they'd gone too far.

Our entire engagement and first year of marriage was rocky, because of my parents. My wife lost so much weight from the stress, she developed fibromyalgia. Just terrible stuff. I felt responsible, I felt like it was my fault on both sides.

You are responsible for your actions, not anyone else's. You haven't lied, you have told the truth. Even if your parents disagree with your choice from a religious, philosophical, or whatever reasons they feel so strongly. It's not acceptable to treat your children that way.

In all honesty, I can say if my son came to me when he was older and told me he was gay, I'd be devastated. It's against my beliefs, and it's against how I will raise my son.

That being said, it will not change my love for my son one bit. I will not fly off the handle I wouldn't disown him, heck I'd try to bring him closer.

Your family will heal! That's the great news, it may not be the same, especially since a concealed affair came into the light. In my opinion honesty will be better for your family in the long run.

We love you here, you've always been a sweetheart, a pleasure to have conversations with and nothing you've revealed has changed my opinion of you which is good!

I've rambled on long enough and really offered no helpful advice but that things will get better, and you are not responsible for tearing your family apart.

I appreciate your advice/encouragement. Every little bit means a lot right now, and that's a good bit more than a little bit

Brief update:

My mom is doing pretty well, although she seems numb. There may be some self medication going on but I'm not sure. My sense of smell isn't that great so I would have a difficult time smelling alcohol on her breath, and anything else is highly unlikely.

I neither know nor care how her husband is doing. I wish him the worst.

I'm not doing all that well. The physical bruise is fading fairly well, but that's not really any consolation. My mental state is a bit dodgy. As some of you may recall, I'm bipolar (got the official diagnosis for Bipolar II a week or so ago), but I can't really tell which phase I'm in at the moment which is problematic.

Anyway, that's about it. Thanks again for all the support, it means the world to me.

[Master Rel]

Bipolar...carry a small notebook or use your notes ap on your phone to keep a general tab of your moods...this will help with the diagnosis and with your efforts to maintain.

Nothing major...feeling up or down, happy or sad, calm or nervous, etc. that sort if thing

[dhenwood]

My boss at my gym banned chalk, which means as an employee I cant really be seen using chalk in the gym because it'll reflect badly if the staff do it

Issues I have with this -

Me and the other employees do all the cleaning and dried up chalk is easy to clean

Its a safety thing, sweaty palms means dropped weights ( I could feel my grip slipping yesterday during lifts)

Lifting gloves suck, they leave you with weak skin and wrist support you dont need meaning you have weak cruddy wrists.

I just spent 10 pounds on a few blocks of gym chalk

The worst part massive callus reforming on my hand now from leg day means I cant do spins because my hand hurts to grip things

[chicago.jedi]

WORK!

What else can I say? I know every guy complains about work but I am getting to my wits end. I work at a chemical plant; it is dirty, nasty, and dangerous. I work shift work which is hard on the body, mind and family life. It is not a great job, but it pays decent, puts food on the table, a roof over my head. I can pay my bills, put money in the bank, and buy the occasional Ultra Saber. There are a lot of people worse off than me. I know this and appreciate what I have.

What makes the job unbearable? The other people, period.   The guys I work with are the most selfish, ungrateful, whining bunch of jerks I have ever met. Not all of them. There are a few guys that are a pleasure to work with and I trust my life to. The rest are the ones I am talking about. If there is no overtime, they cry poor mouth. If there is too much overtime, they have better things to do and how dare the company expect them to work. If I call in sick, I must be playing hooky. But these poor guys seem to always get sick right around Christmas, and it is always legitimate, of course.

The older guys who are closer to retirement are a real trip. They seem to have adopted a scorched earth policy. They exploit loopholes to the point of abuse, so the company writes new rules that make things harder for the next generation. They lived the good life and got away with murder but don’t want anyone else to be able to come close to that.

The days of “All you need to do to keep this job is show up,” are long gone. The job is highly technical and not for everyone. But the guys with experience don’t allow new guys the opportunity to learn and then complain that they do not know anything.  The guys who know very little con or bully others into letting them do the easy work and then cut corners at that. With rank comes privilege but it also comes with responsibility…but not for them. They want to eat their cake and have it, too, and everyone else has to service it to them on a silver platter with a smile on their face.

Everything we do affects each other. Work that one shift leaves undone becomes the next shift’s burden. The guys who are the worst offenders of this are the first to cry foul when it is done to them. It is a vicious circle of screw and/or be screwed.

I read all of the time about the decline of the American work force and the changing attitude of the American worker. Every day I work is a case study in this phenomenon. Over privileged, self-entitled, ungrateful, unproductive, lazy, spoiled, cry baby, phonies.

“Give me, give me, give me.”
“I ain’t doing that.”
“That guy got something. I didn’t even want it but now I am mad because he got it.”
“Screw this company.” 
“Where is my bonus?”

This is what I put up with every single day. And it is wearing me out. 

[Master Bluespike74]

Wow Chicago!  Sorry to hear that is happening to you.  What you are describing is the whole reason I left working law enforcement in the first place.  Too much drama and too much politics.  You certainly have my sympathies!

[dhenwood]

I came into work today and the place was a tip Chicago. I know exactly what you mean when someone slacks of on a shift then it buggers over the next person. Just drags you down, plus some dodgy guy who always tries to scam his way into using the equipment for free because he basically intimidates the odd employee called me a lot of stuff you cant post here so yeah not my best shift. I hope it picks up for you at work though, perhaps you should volunteer to train the newer guys then you'll have someone to chat too and also ensure they know what they are supposed to be doing.

[chicago.jedi]

The training new people thing is good advice and I have done that. In my time there, I am now half way up the seniority list meaning there are as many newer people below me as older guys above me. Every time we get new people I try to take them under my wing and teach them good work habits. I show them that they do not have to be like the other guys. I tell them to have hope and in time, things will get better. But many times, these guys fall to the Dark Side. They see it is just easier to be like the others. This is probably the worst part. It is bad enough having to deal with the bad apples, but they have a tendency to seed the next generation into acting the same way.

I have one new guy now who very much feels the same way as I do. He asks me, "Why do these guys do this stuff?" I tell him to have faith and not change. Unfortunately, the others ride him so bad it is not going to be easy to keep him on the straight and narrow path.

Everyday is an up hill battle for me. I try to keep my good work habits but get taken advantage of. I try to have integrity but am seen as a goody-goody. I try to be subordinate to supervisors but am looked at as a spy not to be trusted. When I have had enough, I call guys out on their nonsense, but instead of being adults and taking a good look at what they are doing, they find someone else to enable them in their nonsense. And when things get out of control, the company comes down with these kindergarden style group punishments that are nothing to the bad apples and an injustice to the good guys.

All I can do is look at the pictures of my wife and kids in my locker and tell myself it is all for them.